Joss Whedon

Michael Bay directing - METAL GEAR SOLID

It has been confirmed that Michael Bay, in his next bit of Spielberg impression, is set to direct the big-screen version of the videogame Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time … And did anyone else get ill just reading that sentence. How can I put any finer an exclamation point on it, other than to say “No?”

The fact that I haven’t liked a single Bay film doesn’t mean I think he’s a bad director. No, I think of him more as a top-of-the-line pistol that hasn’t been fired at anything worthwhile. How about instead of directing a film based on a videogame that had the strong suits of subtlety, magic, and clear storytelling, how about one more suited to Bay’s strengths?

Enter Hideo Kojima’s brilliant-but-flawed Metal Gear Solid. The game that refined the stealth genre into what you see today in games. Hopefully, Bay can fix some of Kojima’s shortcomings (forty minutes of scenes where nothing happens and convolution for the sake of convolution) and vice versa (anything resembling a “plot” in a Michael Bay movie). It’s like they were made for each other.

Rob Zombie directing - THE KILLER INSIDE ME

In high school, I read Jim Thompson’s brilliant novel The Killer Inside Me, about a small town sheriff in Texas, who gets his jollies by, well, killing people. I was amazed by how author Thompson managed to write a king-hell crazy book without romanticizing the character of Sheriff Lou Ford one iota.

Now if one were to make a movie, this aspect of the book would not play to a lot of folks. Some would regard this as nothing more than a sleazy, violent sideshow. But if you absolutely HAD to make a movie off of it… Why not go all out?

Thank God for Rob Zombie, who can make artful sleaze. His fevered imagination and cinematic pyrotechnics could make The Killer Inside Me fresh and exciting. His common sense and grasp of film could make it a forced to be reckoned with.

Brian DePalma directing - BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

After watching his adaptation of James Ellroy’s novel The Black Dahlia, I was concerned that Brian DePalma may mellow with age, even though I was one of the four or five people who liked the picture. It was DePalma in his oft debated “restraint.” There is nothing more depressing than to see a great lion like himself drop into the filmmaking equivalent of “domestic tranquility.”

Well, BALLS TO THAT, man! DePalma needs to get himself ass-deep in king-hell crazy again. And I can think of no better potential project to do that with than a remake of the Russ Meyer-directed, Roger Ebert-scripted Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls. It’ll be like a schizophrenic getting his own meth lab. I’m telling you, it’ll be NUTS!

Drugs and trannies and acid rock… Oh my…

Wes Anderson directing - A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES

Is it just me, or is Wes Anderson just Ernst Lubitsch, only with more visual trademarks? He doesn’t flatter his characters, for he sees their flaws with a magnifying glass, but he DOES love them, and hopes for the best as they coast upon capricious fate. And does anyone need more love than Ignatius J. Reilly of John Kennedy Toole’s novel A Confederacy of Dunces?

Granted, Reilly may be more boisterous and uncontainable than any of Anderson’s prior ennui-nauts, but there is a flaw inherent. NO ONE is a good match for Reilly. He is unquantifiable. So why not give the book to Anderson, who will sit back and watch the fireworks like he usually does? He has a thing for distance, flattening the events so they seem more funny when you watch them.

The last time I checked, A Confederacy of Dunces was in the works by David Gordon Green (George Washington, Undertow). But I’m still pulling for Anderson because he doesn’t have a hateful bone in his body.

Brad Bird directing - PSYCHONAUTS

No videogame has more defenders with fewer copies sold than Tim Schafer’s Psychonauts. It’s the story of a young boy named Razputin sent to a summer camp for psychic youths only to find that not all was what it seems. The game was hailed for its wonderful story, engaging dialogue, and endearing, laugh-out-loud characters.

Oddly enough, so have the films of Brad Bird, like The Incredibles and Ratatouille.

If there has ever been a property more tailor-made for a director, I haven’t seen it. Get Pixar on it and watch the money pour in, as well as the sequel to the game that fans (like me) want. I mean seriously the guy behind The Iron Giant collaborating with the guy behind Grim Fandango and Day of the Tentacle? HOW DOES THAT NOT BLOW YOUR LOAD?!

Joss Whedon directing - RUNAWAYS

Well, he’s writing the comic book right now. Do I REALLY need to go further with this one?