Girls have a rough time in scifi. It’s bad enough that they aren’t taken seriously until they shave their heads, but it seems like only the most virtuous and honorable get to live. Girls who bend societal standards get knocked off. The next time you find yourself stuck in a scifi situation, here are Pink Raygun’s Eight Simple Rules for surviving through the closing credits.

1. Keep your panties on.

Girls who have sex get killed, that’s all there is to it. On Battlestar Galactica, Cat had sex with her ex, then died of radiation poisoning. Starbuck slept with everyone and now she’s dead. Ellen Ripley of the Alien films made it through two movies with hardly a bruise. In Alien 3, it’s implied that she had sex with one of the prisoners, and what happens? She dies.

On Lost, Shannon had sex with Sayid and Ana-Lucia had sex with Sawyer. Are they in the credits anymore? No. Following that logic, Kate is next to go.

2. Get married.

However, you can have sex within a marriage. Callie and Dualla of BSG have both been under the gun and threatened: Dualla in a hostage situation on Could Nine, Callie at the hands of a crazed officer on Kobol and at the hands of Admiral Adama in a recent episode. But, they’re nice married girls, so they get to live.

3. If you get married, don’t sleep around.

Starbuck was married to Sam, but she cheated with Apollo. Sam said there were others, too. Dualla has been a good, faithful wife and she survived her encounter with the racist doctor.

4. Have a baby.

Because in scifi, a reproductive woman is a useful woman. Not only did Callie have multiple opportunities to get shot, she got thrown into open space without a suit or a helmet or anything. But, she’s a mommy so she doesn’t have to freeze to death. She gets to have a full recovery and nag her husband about the privileged ruling class.

5. Stay away from the Enterprise and her captains.

At the very least stay away from James T. Kirk and William Riker. You’ll pick up space syphilis or something from either one of them.

6. Don’t tell lies or be a sneaky bitch.

Padme Amidala was married and pregnant, but she kept her marriage to Anakin a secret. Padme had to die. On Lost, Libby wasn’t honest with Hurley about how she knew him. Libby had to die.

7. Try to act like a lady. And that includes keeping your panties on.

Don’t smoke cigars, don’t get drunk, don’t cut your hair too short. If possible, wear a skirt. Ripley was a survivor until she shaved her head. Ana-Lucia didn’t act like a lady, and neither did Starbuck.

President Roslin survived terminal cancer. She was standing in front of a row of Cylon Centurians ready to execute her. How is she still alive? Because she doesn’t look or act mannish. She wears skirts, has long hair, doesn’t sleep around. The naughtiest thing she does is flirt with Admiral Adama.

8. Be written by Joss Whedon

The women from Firefly and Serenity broke all of these rules and managed to live. Inara is a sex worker. Zoe could kick Starbuck’s ass. Kaylee works with criminals. And yet they were all alive at the end of Serenity.