Alyson Hannigan

Date Movie (Unrated)
At 73 minutes, this film is 74 minutes too long.
by Chris Carle

May 30, 2006 - Instead of doing a standard review, we will instead list 50 Unfunny Things That Happen During Date Movie, in no particular order. If you don’t want the movie spoiled (as if such a thing is possible), do not read the list. You’ve been warned.

1. A cat defecates on a human toilet, making loud, flatulent noises.
2. A cat makes out with an old woman.
4. A cat licks the tongue of a burnt corpse.
5. A gorgeous woman mimics Paris Hilton’s Carls’ Jr. ad by smearing a burger on her chest.
6. We learn that the fair-skinned, red-headed main character is the daughter of an African American father and an Indian mother.
7. The same two parents have a Japanese daughter.
8. The English male lead supposedly has American Jewish parents.
9. Someone mimicking Napoleon Dynamite wears a T-shirt that says "Don’t Vote For Pedro."
10. Someone mimicking Napoleon Dynamite appears in a dream sequence and says, "Idiot. Hell no, I won’t marry you."


11. The obese female lead is made thin by a crew of auto mechanics.
12. The main character seeks dating advice and goes to a dating doctor/matchmaker, who turns out to be a little person.
13. Lil’ Jon shows up during a rehearsal dinner host to say, "Crunk."
14. The obese main character dances to Kelis’ "Milkshake."
15. During her dance, the obese main character’s breasts turn completely around.
16. During her dance, men run screaming from her because she is obese.
17. During the dance, she mimics the Marilyn Monroe street vent pose.
18. The obese main character thinks an equally obese man is interested in her, but it turns out he is interested in a homosexual man standing behind her.
19. The main character’s father, who is African-American, owns a Greek Diner.
20. The father carries around a squirt bottle full of hummus.


21. When she meets the man of her dreams, the main character accidentally hits him in the head with a coffee pot.
22. The matchmaker says, "Even I can’t help you and I found Starr Jones a husband."
23. The matchmaker suggests he kiss the main character in order to determine her technique. He discovers a chicken wing lodged in her teeth.
24. When they do kiss, the main character licks his face enthusiastically.
25. During the makeover, the crew waxes her back, which is ultra-hairy.
26. They also install a television screen and PlayStation on her stomach.
27. When the makeover is complete, the bed raises and instead of the main character, a bad facsimile of Darth Vader rises.
28. During the same scene, the camera cuts to the matchmaker, who is made up to look like Yoda.
29. Mayonnaise is siphoned from the main character’s posterior.
30. During a "Bachelor" spoof, the bachelor is introduced as a doctor with a twelve-inch cock. He is holding a rooster.


31. To eliminate contestants, the Bachelor must gun them down.
32. During a romantic walk, the main character suggests that the two of them "roll drunks," so she starts beating a homeless man.
33. After they consummate their love, the two leads notice that an old woman has been watching their activities and masturbating.
34. When the female character takes the male character home to meet her parents, the mother asks him to give a sperm sample.
35. The male lead goes to the bathroom to wash his face and uses a large pair of panties to dry his face.
36. The guy’s last name is "Fockyerdodder," an obvious homage to Meet the Fockers.
37. The father says, "I got nipples... can you milk me," then lifts his shirt to reveal six nipples.
38. In a basketball game between the fathers, one of them removes his shirt, and the other gets a face full of hair during a jump shot. He ends up coughing up a hairball.
39. The Jewish mother says, "Don’t have a conniption bubula."
40. A woman has had sex so little that when she opens her legs there are cobwebs.


41. When unloading an RV, a mother tosses her child out on the ground like a piece of luggage.
42. During a scene on the street, there is a Michael Jackson look-alike in the background trying to pick up children.
43. On a trip to the jewelry store, the characters from Lord of the Rings appear and sell "The One Ring."
44. The Gandalf lookalike gets kicked in the testicles and slumps to the floor, moaning, "My preeecious..."
45. The wedding planner the couple goes to is patterned after J-Lo, and has an extremely large derriere.
46. The male lead dresses up like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for no apparent reason.
47. The Jewish mother has a habit of pushing everyone’s faces into her breasts.
48. A bridal shop is named "Best Bride," and their logo is modeled after Best Buy’s.
49. A man shows up at the end of the movie who is supposed to look like Owen Wilson and says, "Is it too late to crash the wedding?"
50. During a flashback that spoofs Kill Bill, a Dodgeball reference occurs.

We could go on, but you get the point.

Score: 0 out of 10