Alyson Hannigan

This week we salute "the pal." That’s right. Even though we have no actual friends of our own to speak of here at the Loser Watch besides the people we snipe about when they’re not in earshot, we acknowledge that celebrities have plenty of "pals" and they’re all too willing to talk to their "pals" in the press that stars choose to ignore. Some people doubt the actual existence of these so-called "pals" and that they are just a cheap devise employed by gossip writers to invent quotes that the writer himself wishes he could say, but a source close to Muck Raker said that "’pals are as real as you or I, and you ought to just go along with anything they say." What? No, you’re a pal, buddy! YOU’RE a pal!

Alyson Hannigan

The former Buffy the Vampire Slayer star has quit her role in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s as-yet-unaired new TV series, saying, "My character was pointless and it certainly wasn’t challenging." Makes you just want to take her aside, slap her silly and say "Look Alyson, you work in television, a medium where people just plop on a couch watch anything that’s on to keep them from getting up and looking for the remote. You want challenging? Go on Celebrity Jeopardy and answer geographical questions because unless there’s a serial stalker on board ready to wreak some havoc on the series finale of Everybody Loves Raymond, it’s pretty much pointless characters across the board." But if I was a pal, guess I’d just say something lame like "you stick to your guns, kiddo." And then after the phone doesn’t ring so much for the next six months, console her with "Aww, QVC isn’t so bad."

George Michael

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before-George Michael is quitting the pop world for good, saying, "I have got to find ways to make music and enjoy it the way I used to." Friends of the singer are urging him to pull those CHOOSE LIFE shirts out of storage and hire some guy who doesn’t actually do anything to hog up half the photos. A Wham! reunion is just the thing he needs in order to be able to retire again from pop music before the end of this column.

Lindsay Lohan

Meanwhile, the Mean Girls star is being turned into a doll by toymakers Mattel and it is expected to hit stores this summer. In other news, the "Michael Lohan" doll is expected to hit several close relatives and some strippers soon after that.

Christina Aguilera

The pop star announced she is marrying her long-term boyfriend Jordan Bratman. A dyslexic pal is reportedly relieved that she is not marrying "Bartman." Because of course, he’s way too 1987 for her.

Random House

The publishing giant is accusing rap mogul Sean "P. Diddy" Combs of failing to pay back a $300,000 advance for a book he agreed to write in 1999. Pals of the former Puffy say he has no intentions of ever returning the money or completing his tome, Making $300,000 the Gangsta Way.

Jenna Elfman

"My character was pointless and it certainly wasn’t challenging. But at least I’m ridding the world of body thetans." The former star of Dharma and Greg is a devotee of the controversial Church of Scientology. And in the latest issue of the church’s Celebrity magazine, she states "I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. To do this, she says, it is my "duty to clear the planet." By "clearing" she means to rid the world of "body thetans" - aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago and apparently like to hang around the set of sitcoms. She goes on to say that she encountered a lot of suppressive people in the entertainment world, which means her comments met with a lot of blank stares and theremin music coming from out of nowhere. I don’t know about the planet, but she’s certainly succeeding in clearing a room. No Celebrity Jeopardy bookings for you!

Loser Couple of the Week Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis

"The Simple Life" star is rumored to be engaged to her Greek lover, Paris Latsis after an alleged Valentine’s Day proposal. Paris’ people are denying the story but Paris’ people say it’s on. Lucky for us, we’re not that interested or we’d be as easily confused as my aunt, who could never get through an episode of Simon and Simon without asking a lot of questions.

George Michael

This just in. "No, really don’t stop me. I AM quitting pop music. I just want to make sure you know it and I know it."