Angel

5x22 - Not Fade Away ... "Never Fade Away"

‘Wonderland’

A nice shade of ruby red, that tinges at the very inner of my essence. It is these threads, this very matter that holds me together, is all ablaze. Some with passion, and sadness, other pieces with disbelief and irritation, and yes, it doesn’t feel too dandy.

It has been minutes since the conclusion, and piecing together this soggy jigsaw afloat in my head may be more intangible that reasonable.

‘Much Love’

Perhaps I have lost all senses, reason, capability to assess anything, from major to mediocre. Truth may argue that my faith is lent out in barrels instead of doses, and my love oversees all reason.

All of which is true.

We have put our trust, many of us our lives, into the hands of the skilled and powerful. We hope for the best, but really, secretly or not, we pray for the worst. Take our lives and make what you want with them. Twist, bend, contort them into what ever form best suits you.

But please, always, respect them.

I know Joss was never bullied into changing the finale because of the lack of renewal, and I respect him for carrying on with those current set of plans. It is out of love and respect that I question his decision now.

When the fog had cleared, we were in the midst of one spectacular brawl and left mouths-a-gape and jaws-on-floors, but the thing is that those mouths will always be gaping, and those jaws will always be on the floor. We will never see the outcome of the fight; we will never truly have a winner.

I just can’t live with that.

When Buffy ended, the fable was left open. Its tale had not been befitted with those two closing comments, but the difference is that with Buffy, we were at peace. The battle had been fought, the lives tallied, the tale seemingly told. With Angel, we are in the midst of the battle, and the tale is still being written. I am a glutton for sorrow, and was expecting said sorrow, but was expecting that bittersweet after-taste of resolution. Not disappointed, but not at peace. My feelings are frozen, yet to be expressed, much like the final shot that will forever be a painting in progress, a coloring book with the pictures outlined, but not yet filled in.

I am discontent.

No, not dissatisfied as my appetite is quite pleasantly calmed, and my discontentment does not reside in the inbox of Joss or any of the writers, it’s that feeling that we will never know true resolution.

Such irony that we all got what we wished for, fought for, trialed for. It now feels like a Vengeance demon’s spite, how the Whedonverse will never really end. How we will never truly get closure, the wound will never truly heal, as the scar-tissue that remains will always be a constant reminder of what was, and never was to be.

The ‘Verse will never end.

‘You never know what you have...”

“Live the day as it is your last, because it probably is.”

What better way to go out, than with a standing applause, and smile on your face. It was the circle coming around the bend, and as it approached we got one last glimpse of our heroes, sans the death.

Let’s recap, shall we?

They often say that an artist is only appreciated after his time as passed, well a few hundred years later and our William is finally receiving kudos for his poetry! Getting liquored up, no less, as well; all of which is very befitting of our Blondie Bear.

“But I have very nice handwriting.”(Angel)

“You girl.” (Connor)

We got confirmation from Connor that his memories had been restored, and also got an added bonus of gratitude! Who would have even have thought to believe the once angst-ridden, complacent, wild and ill-mannered teen, who hated his father could have blossomed into such a wonderful young lad. The odds. Angel choosing to spend his final hours with his son, and their dialogue, was just joy-in-a-box for me. Hell, Connor even got his mitts into the batter, err, battle as well. Just when we begin to like Connor, the series had to go up and end. The odds aren’t in our favor, are they?

“What if I told you this doesn’t matter, that there are forces beyond what any of us can imagine ... what would you do?”(Gunn)

“I’d get this truck packed before the new stuff gets here.”(his she-mate)

Gunn got to see how ‘that old gang of his’ turned out. The former homeless helping the helpless, sounds like something rubbed off.

“What are you thinking about?”(Lindsey)

“Angel.”(Eve)

“You couldn’t have said a worse thing than that.”(Lindsey)

Not to be forgotten, Lorne sang his heart out, while Lindsey shagged Eve, and showed us that he really did care for her.

Then there was Wesley, who chose to spend his final day taking care of Illyria. I’ll touch basis with that later on, but as a note, I would have never thought that Wesley would have died the way he did. I dreamt of Wesley giving up his soul in exchange for Fred’s restoration, and a dream it will always be.

‘Tea and Crumpets’

There’s no way to segue to these talking points, but they must be discussed so I’ll blurb it here on after.

I honestly though Lindsey had turned for the better. If you hadn’t caught, during the trailer, they actually show, very quickly might I add, Lorne shooting Lindsey. Mistake on who ever threw the trailer together, shame on you. It is now clear why Lorne quit the team, having to kill Lindsey (who I still believe joined the side of good) after seeing him so proud, so fulfilled was very tough. I had not expected it, regardless of the trailer.

It also seems that Eve perishes as well. Once hearing that Angel had him killed, she stays inside of the collapsing Wolfram and Hart building. Joss and his usual antics of killing off those who have loved, or have been in love.

“Try not to die, you are not unpleasant to my eyes.”

At the end, Illyria touched on the subject that Gunn’s wounds were fatal, and gave him five minutes to live, at best. Our heroic Gunn opted to go out fighting, than slouched on a crate, but still, it is most certain that he will die.

Gunn, Lindsey, Eve, and Wesley, all the casualties of the never ceasing war between good and evil. How much of dent did it leave? How effective was it to kill the Circle of the Black Thorne? Incidentally, it seems that they managed to really strike a nerve in Wolf, Ram and Hart. Hence the battle that we see being waged as the screen fades to Joss.

‘Fredless’

“There is no perfect day for me, sunset, or painting, or finely aged scotch ... there is nothing more I want.”

It was a suicide mission.

Our Wesley never intended on meeting back in the alley, never intended on anything or than his own death. Perchance not consciously, maybe, but subconsciously, secretly, there was nothing more in the world that could bring him back from the void.

I dare not compare Wesley’s tragic loss to Connor’s breakdown, but the truth is that their lives were not much different. Neither could come to terms with their loss. What really makes me really sad is that Wesley will never be with Fred, as her essence was never restored, her soul, her very being has been lost permanently. We can only hope that somehow, someway Fred’s soul survived, as dealing with the truth just hurts too much to believe.

Those final moments with Fred, where she held Wesley in her arms as he died, reminded me of Wesley holding Fred in his arms, as she slowly slipped away. At very least, her love, and face were the last things Wesley felt, saw, at very least.

“You want to be with Fred.”

We wanted Fred restored.

‘Never Fade Away’

Listen.

From here on through, this time is reserved for us.

I won’t further mention how I dreamt of Wesley nobly giving up his life for the chance of restoring Fred’s essence, her soul.

I won’t mention how seeing our heroes prepare for one final battle was a little too much to take in.

I don’t need to say that I sobbed while watching Wesley pass in Fred’s arms.

I have no desire talk of Hamilton or of his death.

I don’t need to know how Gunn managed to slay an entire army of vamps, or why Wesley had to die in such an anti-climatic turn of events.

I don’t even care if those demons seemed a little over the top at the end.

None of it matters. The how and whys are behind us. The what is all we have.

That and the what’s next?

How, really, even to talk about this. It’s just too big, too final. The title card came up, and my mind just couldn’t not say what’s next? I had too many questions, questions I wanted answered in the good way.

What happens to our heroes next? Where does Lorne head off to? Does anyone manage to survive?

What about Illyria? She said her emotions had caused her powers to become unstable. Does she end up a more valuable comrade? Or perhaps a time bomb again? What happens to Connor? And as much as I had to ponder it, Nina? Do the Scoobies have any clue about the Apocalypse? Will Buffy ever find out that Spike is alive (for the time being)?

Because, let’s face it, we’re still caught in high noon, and everyone’s guns are still drawn. I refuse to accept this as an ending, simply because it doesn’t. This story has no end, not when there is still evil creeping steps closer and our heroes waiting in the wings.

And, we’ll hold out hope for a movie.

There will always be talk of a movie.

I am sad. I am distraught. I am in pain, and I will be for a few days or weeks, perhaps a lot longer. I will be put myself back together, cool, calmed and composed. Then the new fall season will begin without it, and it’s all going to really sink in, and the weight of it will crush me.

And now, along with the sadness, I’m just in shock. I’m in shock, and I apologize, because, to an extent, I’m rambling. I’m running on with this what’s next? in my brain, because it’s all my brain will allow.

It’s all I’ve got.

The problem, I think, is that I can’t look at it like an episode. I can’t see it in terms of one hour. The stories that ended tonight didn’t being today, or even this year. It is the culmination of an entire lifetime, in a way, nearly a decade of stories, and it came to a halt all at once. To attempt to separate the things that happened tonight from the rest of everything is faulty. It doesn’t work.

But I must thread on.

Joss embarked on Angel to show us that the drama of High School and our College heydays don’t simply end once the books close, in fact it just seems to become harder and harder. The purpose was to show that obstacles will get in the way, but you are the one who can make a difference.

I find it odd, when I explain to my civilian friends about my love of the show, that most of the best stories are sad ones. It is interesting that we should get so much pleasure and empowerment from a tale that is filled with so much loss, suffering and doubt. But that is the reality of life, isn’t it. We soldier on despite the pain. We overcome because our strength lies within us no matter what the universe slings at us.

Where do we go from here?

When Buffy ended, I turned to the comforting words of a man named, Matthew Heitzer. Many of you may remember him from ScoopMe.com as one of most well-written, intellectual beings to ever share his mind with us. He wrote something that I feel will have the same power as it did almost one year ago.

“Every time it is the same. People come into your lives, friendships and relationships are forged. You see these people everyday, until, one day, it is all over.

People hug. They exchange promises. They make plans. But over time, most of it fades. I have friends I still see often from high school and college. There are friends from law school and grad school I talk to every so often. But it is a fraction of what once was. Most have faded into the recesses of my memory, only to be taken out like picture albums when a sight or smell calls them back.

Much is forgotten. Much is lost. Most of what remains exists only in stories told over a cold beer late at night to people who nod their heads and remember their own sad tales. Most of the stories cannot be appreciated because they needed to be experienced, lived, and shared to have real meaning.

It’s why they are just stories.

This is our graduation day, and it is all the sadder because I know what to expect out of it now. As much as Angel means to me, as much as it has given me immeasurable joy, I know it has to fade with time.

What are we going to do?

Am I going to tell my future wife about the seven years I spent in front of the television, enriching my life. Unless she was one of us, she’d never understand, but what are the chances? If I told her, she’d think me crazy. It would make her worry.

Am I going to tell my children? Am I going to rock them to sleep at night and tell them fantastic stories of a girl I once knew? Will it be any stranger and outdated than the stories your grandfather told you about gathering around the radio and listening to old Lone Ranger serials?

These stories, they die with us. They fade with the living of our lives, to be taken out of hat boxes and steamer trunks on Sunday afternoons to fill the long dark tea times of our souls. As much as we try, we can never pass them on the way we want to. We can never will the people in our futures to feel for them as we do.

They had to be there to understand.

With us.

None of this is crazy. None of you are insane. We just knew something that others didn’t. We just lived something that others missed. It is their loss, their regret.

Which is why all of this - the show, this web site, these articles, these boards - were so important. This was our time. This was our secret. This was our life that got better with every passing Tuesday.

Don’t forget that.

Don’t let it go entirely.

Come back, sometime, in your mind, and remember how wonderful it all once was. Remember how sad it all was, how sad we all were.

How sad we all are.

Come back, because you have to acknowledge that it was real.

For them.

For us.

It’s time now.

This has run its course, and I’ve done all that I know how to do. I can’t say goodbye, and I will not usher you out the door. Stay as long as you like, look around as much as you want, and savor every precious moment of it.

I’ll leave the light on.”

It’s true.

The light will always be on, just as long as you don’t forget it, not completely.

The bond we have all formed throughout the years is a bond that I will never forget in my lifetime. The kinship, the allegiance, is a type of love I will probably never get to experience the later years of my life. We have been through so many emotions together, shed so many tears, I know I have done more than my share of crying. We have laughed and, really, had one, bloody, fantastic soiree, I know I have. All of the people I have encountered throughout these years, fellow kin, are some of the most intelligible, thoughtful, and honest-to-all-that-is-above wonderful breed that I have ever met in my entire life.

It is a tribute to all that have weathered the storms that we are all still here. It is our dedication, belief, our power, that kept the ‘Verse for here for so long. The halls of the Buffyverse are filled with the best community, and from a loyal fan, friend, I’d like to give all you, all of us, a standing ovation. Hopefully we will all cross-paths somewhere down the roads that are our lives.

"We cling to what is gone. Is there anything in this life but grief?"

"There’s love. There’s hope ... for some. There’s hope that you’ll find something worthy ... that your life will lead you to some joy. That after everything ... you can still be surprised.”

"Is that enough? Is that enough to live on?"

— Chase Murata-