Angel

(after a long day at W&H)
FRED: Oh! Good night.
MAN: Good night.
(suddenly, she screams)
SPIKE: How long did you know I was there?
(dropping the fake fright act)
FRED: Uh, just since the lobby. But that popping up behind me was really scary. Look, I dropped my papers.
SPIKE: Nice touch.
FRED: Thanks.

(5.04 Hellbound)

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LORNE: Bubie, I negotiated that deal with my own 2 horns. Second billing right after Gwyneth. Yeah. No, stop crying, stop crying. It’s OK you put on a couple of pounds since casting. Yeah, they can’t just- No, no, no, no. Just put the pills down. I’ll straighten this out. If I can’t, I’ll take a handful myself.

(5.04 Hellbound)

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SPIKE: So, what’s on the ’genda? Rousting a nest of venomous retirement plans?
ANGEL: Shop’s closed, Spike. Come back and haunt me tomorrow.
SPIKE: Air’s too rarefied up here for my taste, anyhows. Down with the dregs is where I belong, isn’t it?
ANGEL: And yet he’s still here.
SPIKE: Just thought we could hang is all. Couple of vampires from the old days doing our... hangy thing.
ANGEL: You’re starting to feel it, aren’t you? How close you are now... to hell?
SPIKE: What if I am? Not like it’s such a big, bleeding deal, is it? If a ponce like you could break out-
ANGEL: I never escaped from hell. All I got was a short reprieve. Not even sure how I managed that.
SPIKE: Oh, put your martyr away, Mahatma. Fred told me all about your great, shining prophecy. Pile up all your good deeds and get the big brass ring handed to you like everything else.
ANGEL: Except for one small catch. The prophecy’s a bunch of bull. They all are. Nothing’s written in stone or fated to happen, Spike. You save the world, you end up running an evil law firm.
SPIKE: Or playin’ Casper with one foot in the fryer.
ANGEL: You think any of it matters? The things we did? The lives we destroyed. That’s all that’s ever gonna count. So, yeah, surprise. You’re going to hell. We both are.
SPIKE: Then why even bother? Try to do the right thing, make a difference...
ANGEL: What else are we gonna do?
SPIKE: So that’s it, then. I really am going to burn.
ANGEL: Welcome to the club.

(5.04 Hellbound)

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SPIKE: Least I got company, eh? You and me, together again. Hope and Crosby. Stills and Nash. Chico and the-
ANGEL: Yeah, are we done?
SPIKE: Never much for small talk, were you? Always too busy trying to perfect that brooding block-of-wood mystique. God, I love that.
ANGEL: Not as much as I loved your nonstop yammering.
SPIKE: The way you always had to be the big swingy, swaggerin’ around, barkin’ orders...
ANGEL: Never listening...
SPIKE: Always interrupting...
ANGEL: And your hair. What color do they call that? radioactive?
SPIKE: Never much cared for you, Liam, even when we were evil.
ANGEL: Cared for you less.
SPIKE: Fine.
ANGEL: Good. (beat) There was one thing about you...
SPIKE: Really?
ANGEL: Yeah, I never told anybody about this, but I-I liked your poems.
SPIKE: (not flattered) *You* like Barry Manilow.

(5.04 Hellbound)

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WESLEY: Angel does have a point. Spike has been unintentionally disapparating more and more frequently.
GUNN: Give him 20 minutes. He’ll be popping up next to you in the bathroom, making cracks about your- (realizes their’s a lady present, cuts it short, looks to Wes) Am I the only one he does that to?

(5.04 Hellbound)

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LONRE: J.C., Listen, just got off the Nextel with big B. Yeah, intrigued, but wants to know who’s playin’ Tom Joad. Uh-huh. Well, I’m pretty sure that Henry Fonda’s dead, sweetie. Yeah. Bring him back to life? Let me talk to my science people. OK, no promises. (to his assistant) Directors.

(5.06 Life of a party)

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LORNE: Come on, guys. I’m telling you I did not do anything.
FRED: Angel? You in here? Ang-
(Angel pops his head up from the floor behind the couch where he’s naked with Eve)
ANGEL: Ohh! What?
SPIKE: Hey! Angel’s getting some! Good on you, mate!
ANGEL: What’s wrong with you?
GUNN: What’s wrong with- What are you doing with that-
EVE: Hey. Watch it, pal.
WESLEY: He must be under the effect of Lorne- and Eve, too, presum- presumally.
FRED: (Snorts, points) Prezoomally.
WESLEY: Lorne’s doing it-something to all of us.
LORNE: I am not.
WESLEY: Everything he’s told us to do, we’re doing. Spike’s thinking positive, Gunn is peeing all over the office.
FRED: And we’re a little bit drunk.

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WESLEY: Yes. But not because we drank, because Lorne told us to be drunk.
ANGEL: Lorne told you to pee all over the office?
GUNN: Lord, I hope so.
LORNE: This is crazy. I am not doing this. I would know if I was doing this. I don’t even know what this is.
SPIKE: You know, I really love your desk.
EVE: I don’t get it. I thought Lorne was just an empath demon.
GUNN: Territory! Wait. This morning, Lorne told me to stake out my territory.
WESLEY: Right. Territorial marking, taken a little too literally.
(Angel & Eve have gone back to making out)
FRED: Hey, guys, keep it in your pants!
LORNE: Ohh. Hey, I did not tell Gunn to go water the ferns. I did not do anything.
GUNN: You had your sleep removed.
WESLEY: What?
GUNN: Yeah. He hasn’t slept in a month.
WESLEY: Oh, dear. An empath demon deprived of sleep for that long-
LORNE: What does that have to do with it?
FRED: Something, apparently.
ANGEL: Lorne, why would you let them do that to you?
LORNE: I had to do something, didn’t I? I mean, you don’t know what I’ve had to deal with. I’m the center of gravity in a town that’s full of borderline disorder celebrities and powerbrokers. All the hand-holding and the ego-stroking and the 4 A.M. Jacuzzi strategy sessions- I just couldn’t keep up with it, even without sleeping.
(meanwhile in the background, Wes reprimands Gunn, who has snuck off to pee in the corner)
ANGEL: Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell us? I would have-
LORNE: What? Fired me?
ANGEL: I would’ve helped you, which is what I’m gonna do now, OK?
(he stands up, realizes he’s naked, grabs a couch cushion to cover himself)
LORNE: Well, I-OK.
ANGEL: Wes, Fred, go find Lorne’s sleep and figure out a way to put it back in his head.
WESLEY: Yes, sir.
FRED: (salutes) Done and doner.
(Wesley picks Fred up by the waist as he walks out the door with her.)
ANGEL: Lorne, you just stay tight and try not to, you know, talk.
LORNE: Angel, we still got a party going on. Someone has to make sure there’s ice in the drinks.
ANGEL: Oh, right.
SPIKE: Ooh, ooh! Me! Me! I’m your people person.
ANGEL: Gunn, go on the floor, see if anyone else is under the Lorne effect.
GUNN: Check.
ANGEL: And stop with the-
GUNN: (head down) Do my best. (walks out)
ANGEL: And, Eve, you stay here with me, we’ll have more sex.
EVE: I’m on it.
SPIKE: Brilliant plan. Excellent.

(5.06 Life of a party)

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(the lights in the elevator go out)
EVE: That’s odd.
SPIKE: (whispering) I know what this is. (yelling) You’ll never take me to hell, Pavayne!
(emergency lights come on in the elevator and an alarm sounds)
SPIKE: (covering) Oh. Well, that’s just something I say... when, uh... it gets dark.

(5.07 Lineage)

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ANGEL: Harmony! Do you wanna explain this?
HARMONY: OK, this is totally my fault. I specifically told the caterers the delivery was for tomorrow...
(pan over to show a huge camel standing in the middle of the lobby)
HARMONY: .... but I should’ve called to confirm. You know caterers-not the best listeners.
FRED: (startled by the camel) Ohh!
ANGEL: Harmony, uh, got us a camel.
HARMONY: Like I said, I did a lot of research. Camel meat’s a delicacy, so I thought it would be a great way to kick off the summit, ’cause of the clans being so uptight? Like... comfort food.
ANGEL: Comfort food.
HARMONY: Uh-huh! And as host, you get the honor of slicing off its hump and sticking a hot poker through its heart. And then the demon leaders rip apart its carcass with their bare hands. (smiles, nods)

(5.09 Harms Way)

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ANDREW: Spike?
(he runs toward Spike, hugs him tearfully)
ANDREW: (emotional) It’s you. It’s really you! My therapist thought I was holding onto false hope, but... I knew you’d come back. You’re like... you’re like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, more beautiful than ever. Ohh... he’s alive, Frodo. He’s alive.

(5.11 Damage)

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SPIKE: Fuss, fuss. The thing was about to strike. It was on your back. What was I supposed to do?
(Spike has apparantly rammed a sword right through Angel to kill a demon bug on his other side. The sword, and the demon bug, are still stuck to Angel as he walks around, bitching)
ANGEL: Ask me to turn around.
SPIKE: Heat of battle. There wasn’t time.
ANGEL: You just like stabbing me.
SPIKE: I-I’m shocked, *shocked* that you’d say that. I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments.
ANGEL: You know, we only asked you along ’cause we felt sorry for you.
SPIKE: If it weren’t for me, you’d be bug food, so stop winging.
FRED: Angel?
ANGEL: Ah, I’ll be all right.
FRED: No, I just want the bug. It’s in pretty good shape, and I’d like to take it back to the lab. I always like a new specimen.

(5.15 Hole in the World)

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SPIKE: It’s bollocks, Angel! It’s your brand of bollocks from the first to last.
ANGEL: No, you can’t ever see the big picture. You can’t see any picture!
SPIKE: I am talking about something primal. Right? Savagery. Brutal animal instinct.
ANGEL: And that wins out every time with you. You know, the human race has evolved, Spike!
SPIKE: Oh, into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to-
ANGEL: We’re bigger. We’re smarter. Plus, there’s a thing called teamwork, not to mention the superstitious terror of your pure aggressors!
SPIKE: You just want it to be the way you want it to be.
ANGEL: (yelling) It’s not about what I want!
WESLEY: (arriving) Sorry. Is this something we should all be discussing?
ANGEL: (embarrassed) No.
WESLEY: It just...sounds a little serious.
ANGEL: It was mostly...theoretical. We...
SPIKE: We were just working out a b- Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
(he crosses his arms and looks expectantly at Wes)
WESLEY: Ah. You’ve been yelling at each other for 40 minutes about this?
(they both look embarassed. Wesley considers...)
WESLEY: Do the astronauts have weapons?
ANGEL & SPIKE: (simultaneously) No.

(5.15 Hole in the World)