So we went to see Avatar

FLAPJACKS: I hate these 3D glasses.

ME: Why?

FLAPJACKS: They make me look like Elvis Costello.

ME: I think that is actually what you wish happened when you had them on.

FLAPJACKS: I totally would if I had the hair and was also much cooler. Besides, you hate them too.

ME: Yeah, but I hate them because the 3D always sucks unless it’s a Pixar movie. The mix of in-focus and still-in-focus-but-not-in-focus is so distracting. In real life, there aren’t fancy staggered levels of sharpness that you see. In real life, things you’re not focusing on are slightly blurry. The movies had already managed to achieve that with regular old cameras. Why do we need to make everything look like a giant Viewmaster reel?

FLAPJACKS: Because it is new and special and therefore better than old and regular!

ME: Sadly accurate. I mean – whoa.

FLAPJACKS: Whoa.

ME: Whoa.

FLAPJACKS. Whoa.

ME: Whoa.

FLAPJACKS: WHOA!

ME: Holy fuck WHOA!

FLAPJACKS: Okay all of that was pretty awesome with the chasing and the flying and the monsters and such.

ME: It almost made me forget that one of the characters actually said “we’re not in Kansas any more.”

FLAPJACKS: Wait, somebody actually said that in this movie?

ME: Yes.

FLAPJACKS: I guess I was too busy being pleased to see that Vasquez actually survived the end of Aliens somehow.

ME: That’s not Vasquez. That’s Michelle Rodriguez being… somebody. I think her character might have a name.

FLAPJACKS: Whatever. She’s Vasquez.

ME: Why do so many of the Nav’i speak fluent English? I mean, did Sigourney Weaver teach everybody English?

FLAPJACKS: Only the important ones. And they taught her Nav’i. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if they totally lied about the meaning of a word to her? And the humans who spoke Nav’i would say things like “honored chief, we have come to bring you tidings of great penis.”

ME: I think that movie would have to star Rob Schneider. James Cameron does not roll like that.

FLAPJACKS: This is true.

ME: Also, it is totally disturbing how all life on this planet basically communicates by rubbing tentacle-genitals against one another.

FLAPJACKS: No, see, the entire planet evolved as a system of something or another. It’s a systemic system of systems. It’s like how we have eyes and dogs have eyes and cats have eyes. All of these things have eyes. And also tentacle-genitals.

ME: Yes, but – whoa.

FLAPJACKS: Whoa.

ME: Whoa!

FLAPJACKS: WHOA!

ME: You know, I have to admit – the Nav’i look totally natural.

FLAPJACKS: There is no uncanny valley.

ME: You only know that concept because of that one episode of 30 Rock.

FLAPJACKS: So?

ME: I’m just sick of critics who learned a new phrase thanks to Tina Fey and want to show off.

FLAPJACKS: Speaking of that episode of 30 Rock, I’m pretty sure I didn’t need to see the blue aliens doing it.

ME: Oh, quit whining. You barely saw anything.

FLAPJACKS: But now it’s in my head.

ME: Okay, the scientists are totally going about this the wrong way with Giovanni Ribisi, Businessman. They should have been all “this entire planet is a gigantic biological computer more advanced than anything we’ve ever imagined. Think about how much that would be worth.”

FLAPJACKS: Wouldn’t work. Giovanni Ribisi, Businessman, is all about the quarterly profit report. I know this because he said “it’s all about the quarterly profit report” at the start of the movie. He is an Exxon-type guy and you are presenting a Google-type business plan. Ne’er shall the two meet, because despite what people might say about Google, Google is never going to hire mercenaries to kill aliens.

ME: They might hire mercenaries to spy on aliens.

FLAPJACKS: Well, that’s Google for you.

ME: The evil mercenary guy just sucks. “Wow, that’s an amazing giant tree. Time to blow it up, I guess.” How am I supposed to hate somebody this lame?

FLAPJACKS: Well, he did kill Sigourney Weaver.

ME: Until this movie came out, I thought Sigourney Weaver was dead. And then it turned out that it was just her career that was dead. If James Cameron can bring her back from Hollywood death, she will be back again in Avatar 2: Avatarz In The Hood.

FLAPJACKS: Okay, but whoa!

ME: WHOA!

FLAPJACKS: WHOA!

ME: What the shit whoa!

FLAPJACKS: MOTHERFUCKING WHOA!

ME: Aw, Michelle Rodriguez died.

FLAPJACKS: Vasquez isn’t dead until I see a body.

ME: See, I’m of two minds about this turn of events. On the one hand, the idea of Nature Itself rising up to fight the evil mercenaries and their warbots is incredibly dorky. But on the other hand, it looks completely fucking awesome.

FLAPJACKS: So why didn’t you like Transformers 2?

ME: Because despite the vast amount of money they spent to make that movie, Michael Bay is completely incapable of shooting a decent single shot, let alone a scene, or editing together a scene that looks coherent, or anything at all really. Even Michael Bay’s explosions are crappy, and given that all he really has a rep for is explosions, that’s just sad.

FLAPJACKS: That’s not true. He also has a reputation for bizarre editing decisions!

ME: This movie, on the other hand, is made by James Cameron, and even if the story frequently gets formulaic, illogical, or just plain stupid, it will look goddamned shitballs amazing, because James Cameron knows how to direct an action sequence like nobody’s business. Nobody else in Hollywood period can direct a scene with six billion things fighting six billion other things in it without it looking busy and incoherent and essentially impossible to watch: they’re directing the scene for DVD playback so nerds can jerk off to the one Jedi in the bottom of frame four million and twenty-three. James Cameron, on the other hand, says “twelve billion guys having a giant war? Hmmm.” And then he thinks about it for five years and then figures out how to make it look completely awesome and entirely involving all at once.

FLAPJACKS: All that thinking about making it look awesome probably came at the expense of making the story be, like, good.

ME: Yeah, but who cares when it looks this great? Because – oh come on, why does the giant robot have a knife? What the fuck, James Cameron? The giant robot should not have its own machete in a pop-out scabbard!

FLAPJACKS: Maybe the war robot was designed by Boy Scouts. Or the Swiss. Or Swiss Boy Scouts.

ME: And the movie ends with Sam Worthington failing to disguise his Aussie accent yet again as he turns into a Nav’i all permanent-like. I smell sequel.

FLAPJACKS: Hopefully written by Not James Cameron. Also, not by Michael Bay. We can’t set our standards too low here.

ME: Good thinking, but if you’re not more careful with your qualifications it’ll end up getting written by Paul Haggis. “Nav’i and humans are both racist!”

FLAPJACKS: Or it’ll get written by Akiva Goldsman and it’ll end with a tattoo on some extraneous character’s back being a sign from God – sorry, the planet – that dying to make a point is what has to happen here, or something like that.

ME: Or it’ll get written by Joss Whedon and there will be a secret order of female Nav’i who hunt vampires.

FLAPJACKS: I would probably go see that one.