Buffy The Vampire Slayer

You guys know the drill. I’m a Spike fan and a Spuffy. Oh, and I don’t like Faith, never have. I just want to make that clear. These spoilers are not unbiased, and include my personal commentary. They are mainly for the enjoyment of the Fanforum community. Don’t like it? Try removing the broomstick. Still don’t like it? Read someone else’s take.

Episode 18 "Dirty Girls", written by Drew Goddard. Please bear in mind that this is from a version that says "shooting draft". What does that mean? Don’t ask me. I can only hope that this isn’t the version Joss allegedly rewrote. If it is, his dialogue has gotten really atrocious. At least Goddard has the excuse of being rushed.

A girl is running from some bringers. Seriously, why don’t they just start using stock footage of a girl running from some bringers? Or, better yet, stock footage of a herd of charging buffalo, because at least that would be interesting. Hey, Ed Wood did it. The girl, Shannon, makes it to a road, where she manages to flag down a vehicle. The nasty old pickup truck stops, and Caleb opens the door to Shannon. See, now here’s where this girl gets stupid. One never gets into a nasty old pickup with a guy in a clerical collar inside, because that just screams out "serial killer". He couldn’t scream "serial killer" more if he had it tattooed on his forehead, grabbed a megaphone, and started blaring out "My neighbors describe me as quiet and unassuming!" But, relieved, Shannon jumps into the vehicle and they speed away.

Caleb makes some jokily-dokily comments when Shannon thanks God he was there, and then starts in on how she should be in bed. So should I, but instead I am typing this. Shannon says she is headed for Sunnydale. Honestly, Shannon, I think you’d be better off elsewhere. Go to Vegas and have some fun, because otherwise you’re just going to get drafted into Petrie’s Fantasy Bootcamp Of Bouncing Breasts. Caleb asks why she was being chased, and she dodges around the answer. Caleb has an answer: Because she’s a whore! I’m starting to think that maybe CALEB DOESN’T LIKE WOMEN. I am sure it will be played out subtly. She’s dirty (we have a title, folks!) and has no soul. And, uh-oh, those Harbingers are "his boys"! Hmm, okay, given that Caleb is a shady priest, I don’t want to know what Caleb’s been up to with the boys.

Caleb heats up his car cigarette lighter, and I am momentarily jealous because mine fell out a long time ago and I can’t find it. He uses it to heat up his ring, which has an arcane symbol on it. Maybe it is Sumerian, and Dawn can translate it! Meanwhile, Shannon has been trying to escape, but the vehicle has no passenger door handle. Caleb taunts her and then brands her neck with the symbol, spouting off about cleansing in over-the-top revivalisms. He says that there are some people in the car behind them headed to Sunnydale, and that Shannon needs to give a message to the Slayer. It’s "From Beneath You it Devours." Ha ha, no, I kid. It’s not. Bet I scared you, didn’t I? We don’t hear what the message is yet - Caleb stabs Shannon in the gut and whispers it to her, before chucking her out of the Redneck Ride.

Caleb drives off, probably to fill his role in the new-and-improved TV version of "The Stand", and the other vehicle pulls up. It’s Willow and Faith. Willow says they need to get her to a hospital. No, Willow, that was addressed not two weeks ago. Being stabbed in the gut is no big deal, ask Xander.

God, I so do not want to type this part up. Sigh. We’re at Xander’s apartment - he’s in bed and a hot-little-rocket-body (TM Evan) SiT is talking to him. How will she know if she’s ready for "action"? She’s scared, she’s young, she’s never been with a man before. Oh, god. Maybe I spoke too soon in ascribing the meaning of the title to something that didn’t relate to pornography. Another girl gets on the bed, and says she’s never been with a man before, either. They both mention that neither of them has been with a man in front of the other one. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is a Xander fantasy. I think it is supposed to be funny, but right now I want a shower. OH! That is the meaning of the title! Xander worries that they’ll be overheard, and the bedroom door opens, revealing all the other SiT’s engaged in a slow-motion pillow fight. They’re bouncing around in their skivvies, shrieking and giggling, and more feathers are flying than if I typed "Buffy and Spike kiss in this episode". (They don’t, by the way, don’t get your hopes up. Or down). Back to reality. Rona walks in on Xander, saying that one of the SiTs has the flu and that the toilet is backed up, due to the contents of said SiT’s stomach. Or, perhaps, mine, after having to read that fantasy sequence. The other SiTs are visible behind her, dressed in decidedly unsexy PJs. Welcome to your arc, Xander. Fixing Things. Sigh.

At the hospital, Faith and Willow talk, worrying over whether or not Shannon will regain consciousness. Stay unconscious, Shannon, at least until this episode is done airing. Faith seems a little pissed off that she wasn’t informed of what was going down in Sunnydale, since she was in danger, too. What, you mean Buffy was supposed to take time off from her busy dating, pencil-balancing, and bitch-session agenda to let you know? Willow feels bad about the oversight, but I don’t blame Willow. She didn’t know that the entire story arc this season was going to revolve around the possibility of a spinoff until a few weeks ago. Faith wants to leave to find Buffy, as she doesn’t much care for hospitals. Willow figures one of them should stay, and, of course, is the one stuck there. Welcome to Xander’s world of being delegated the crap, Willow. You’re not going to be the Spinoff Star! Willow expresses concern that Faith is off to find Buffy alone, but Faith establishes that Buffy knew she was coming, and they’ll get along fine.

In the graveyard, an unidentified vamp is fighting with a girl. Oh, it’s Spike. I didn’t see that coming about two dozen miles away. Caleb probably saw it from his vantage point in the Nevada desert, where he turned into a raven. Spike and Faith get into a tussle, he knows who she is from her description. Well, guys, according to this she’s wearing leather pants, so if that gets you off, have a field day. But don’t subject me to your pillow fight fantasies, ’kay? Spike says there is a misunderstanding, Faith says she knows who Spike is and that they have met before. He doesn’t remember, of course. Sigh. I really do not want that damn body-switch thing rehashed, but we’re so going to get it. Right between the eyes. Faith says she is reformed, Spike says he is too, and that he reformed way before she did. Can his dad also beat up her dad? Stay tuned for next week on the Schoolyard Conversation Story Hour! Faith keeps hitting Spike, he asks her to stop. I ask her to stop, too, as I am sick of seeing Spike get hit. Really, insert the buffalo stock footage again, please.

Buffy shows up, hits Faith, helps Spike up. Faith wonders what is going on, I wonder when this predictable scene will end. Buffy explains that Spike is with her, and that he has a soul. Wow, someone got told about the soul onscreen. Too bad it wasn’t anyone, say, IN THE REGULAR CAST. Oh, I forgot. Spinoff Queen. Faith asks if it’s like Angel, Spike vehemently says no, Buffy says sort of. The "girl" Spike was attacking turns out to be a vamp, and Faith pulls the stake out of Buffy’s belt and dusts her, in what seems deliberate one-upmanship. I thought we were through with this stuff in season 3? Apparently not. Spike is still pissy about being compared to Angel, saying that Angel is as dull as a table lamp. Hee. Okay, one of the few lines I liked.

The three return home, and Faith receives a less than welcoming reaction from Giles and Dawn. Join the club, guys. Giles and Buffy still have some very blatant tension and coldness, and then Giles and Dawn exit, presumably to make signs for the "I Hate Faith" club. Spike explains to Faith that a lot of the tension wasn’t about her, that Giles tried to kill him for Buffy’s own good. Faith says that makes her feel better about herself, worse about Giles, and still iffy on Spike. Great, I see where this is going, and am not so much liking it.

Meanwhile, Randall Flagg/Caleb is mucking about in a vineyard cellar with "his boys". He’s talking to someone, says he was looking for the Lord in all the wrong places. This pseudo-religious crap is getting on my nerves. But, it’s better than watching the forced bonding between Spike and Faith. The First appears, in the form of Buffy, and asks if Caleb thinks she/it is God. Caleb says he’s beyond that, and then the FE asks if he likes what she is wearing. Caleb says she’s a DIRTY GIRL. You know what? I think CALEB MAY NOT LIKE WOMEN! Caleb realizes that this is the form of the Slayer, and reaches out to touch her cheek, which, of course is all go-throughable. These ME people really like to take an effect and run with it, don’t they? I suppose it’s better than the Michael-Jackson-video morphing.

Caleb details all the work he’s done for the First, like blowing up the council building, organizing the Bringers, writing this script, etc. The First says Buffy will be meeting Caleb soon, and Caleb agrees, knowing that she will come to him as curiosity is woman’s first sin. I’m guessing here that, just maybe, CALEB DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN. Just a thought.

And now for the horrendous pile of dung that is act 2. I wish I could convey how bad some of the dialogue is here, but I can’t, because, you know, illegal. But I get ahead of myself. We get some previous footage of Faith. Now they start with the footage? Andrew is doing a voice over here, a la "Storyteller", as he describes her to the SiTs. Erm, how does Andrew know Faith’s history, anyway? Maybe Dawn took him aside and told him, and then he let her peel some more tape off his chest. Andrew describes how Faith was once briefly good, and we get a fantasy shot of her fighting five ninjas. Then he explains how, like a lot of tragic heroes, she turned to the dark side. More footage. He says that not even the most peaceful and logical races were immune to her, and we get a fantasy shot of Faith fighting a Vulcan. This is still a laugh-out-loud moment for me, and it’s definitely the best thing in the entire episode. If the entire thing had been about Faith fighting Vulcans with Andrew’s narration, I’d probably put it in my top five. Of course, we flash to reality, where the SiTs wonder what Andrew is going on about. I won’t ruin the funny lines for you in this scene, but I suggest you set the VCRs for this alone. And, yeah, nothing else.

Cut to Wood’s office. Oh, crap, he’s in this episode? I hoped he would have been…recuperating, or something. Yeah, recuperating. That sounds less bitchy than what I am actually thinking. Buffy enters, says he looks better, and he replies that he doesn’t. Buffy agrees. Wood says he’ll be fine, as long as Buffy doesn’t intend to beat on him. Do I get a fantasy shot now? Buffy says she thought about it, but everything is fine between them, and that she needs him on her side. Wood thanks her, and then fires her. Yes, you read that right. He. Fires. Her. What a charming guy. I’m so glad I never said he was hot…oh, wait, I did. Buffy is indignant, and Wood explains that she needs to focus on the fight. Buffy says the SiTs aren’t battle-tested, and Wood says it is time to test them. You know what I really hate? That Buffy actually listens to a word this guy says. Buffy, in a display of patheticness I haven’t seen since Anya started begging for sex, says maybe she could work part-time, and Wood says no. The mission is what matters. He’s bitter here. I’m bitter here. I’m actually pissed off on Buffy’s behalf instead of *at* Buffy, for a change.

Now for the icky. Faith comes down into the basement to smoke. Spike is there, of course, and asks to bum one. He’s shirtless and on his bed. Can we quit with the shirtless already? I’m about to ask that the buffalo stock footage be projected upon Spike’s chest. Faith makes a comment about him not needing to worry about cancer, and Spike says that one’s teeth can get yellow. God. Do I get to watch a tender moment where Spike and Faith share Crest White strips? Faith notices the chains by the bed, and Spike says it’s not what it looks like. Faith says there was one guy she hung out with who liked to put her in a schoolgirl outfit and tie her up with a noose, and I so did not need to read that. I need another shower. Spike breaks Faith’s overshare moment to say that he was dangerous for a while, even after the soul, and Faith says it wouldn’t be any fun to dust him. They keep smoking and contemplate each other. I think I need to light up now, and contemplate how interminable this scene is going to be. They comment on the noise being made by the SiTs upstairs…oh, is there another pillow fight going on? Spike wonders why Faith isn’t up there instructing them, and Faith indicates that is not her thing. Blah, blah, blah, Spike wants to know why Faith didn’t break out of jail, and Faith says that she stopped herself. Oh, looky, they share a moment of connection. I just love the way the writers are fanwanking Spike and Faith to be best buddies. Could that be because of a….SPINOFF???!!! No, never! Surely they wouldn’t sacrifice the story of season seven just to pin their hopes on a new show that won’t last past Christmas! Surely!

Spike wonders if Faith is over her dangerous phase, and she says she is, more or less. Less is a good word. As in, less of this scene. She says she was thinking of getting back with noose-boy. Honey, go look up Caleb if you want to be defiled. I hear he DOESN’T LIKE WOMEN. Spike smiles at Faith, clearly liking her. Says she could do better. Uh oh, a little squicky feeling is beginning to form in the pit of my stomach. Faith says not to forget who’s on top. Spike say he suspects that would be her. Right, now I am past squicked and into definitively nauseous. And the scene goes on and on, as Faith sits down next to him. Here we go, Faith says she met Spike before, and he finally realizes the body swap thing, which, apparently, Buffy told him about offscreen. Of course, she didn’t tell him who was inhabiting her body. They are really coming on to each other here, guys, I am sorry. Spike remembers exactly what Faith said, and Faith says that Buffy would never have made that kind of offer. And then Spike says that Faith really has been away. Okay, that’s it. Spike, you suck right now. So do you, Faith. Apparently all Spike is interested in is bagging Slayers after all, and Faith is only interested in Buffy’s boyfriends/ex-boyfriends. Wow, someone should have filled Spike in earlier that Buffy was not the real Slayer after all, so he could have moved on sooner. And someone should have told Faith that she didn’t have to fake being "reformed" from her passive-aggressive Buffy jealousy.

Faith is amused about the sexual antics, they get all smiley and intimate with the looks. Buffy walks in. She starts throwing off a bit of a jealous vibe, cause you know, having two strong women catfighting over a man is always a great feminist storyline. Spike wonders why Buffy isn’t at work, and Buffy says she cut back her hours. She figures she’s better off focusing on what is going on around here. Wink wink, nudge nudge. The writers decide to take a swan dive into the pool of soap opera clichés.

Dawn appears and says that Shannon (remember her?) is out of her sleep induced state. Clearly she was awakened by the squickiness of that last scene. Buffy and Willow go to the hospital and start questioning Shannon, who tells them all about Cable. I mean, Caleb. Damn, I wanted to know about Cable, so I could find something decent to watch. Shannon imparts the message…Caleb has something of Buffy’s. Her bra? Her ability to emote? Her boyfriend? No wait, Faith has that.

Buffy makes a living room speech to the assembled group. No, no, guys, you’re really not tired of those. I swear you aren’t. She says she’s going to get whatever Caleb has back, and they’re all coming with her.

A girl called Betty comes into the vineyard, looking for Cable. Apparently she was really moved by his spiritual words. Damn, that’s not fair. Couldn’t we have him as a scriptwriter, then? I have a hard time believing Goddard wrote this, even on a deadline. I’m so glad I never became a "minion". She starts getting hot and seductive with him.oh, my, I guess she is a DIRTY GIRL. The words called her, she wants to know why. Cable Modem says it was because of seeking the Power. He guts her in the shadows, and then the body morphs into the First as Buffy, who says that most people don’t like to be visited by the dead. Oh, great, does this mean we are going to get a Caleb backstory in the future? Cause, I think time might be better spent actually concentrating on the neglected characters we already have. Much better spent than sticking the regulars in truly embarrassing scenes. And much better spent than exploring masturbation fantasies. Caleb says it’s all okay, but he misses the feeling of freeing a soul from its body. Others will follow. At this point, I am getting in line.

The regular cast members and Faith are discussing a plan. Buffy says to start arming the girls, and that they should do some reconnaissance. Giles objects, saying that Buffy has no idea what she’s going into, or even if this guy actually has anything. I think he has a nuclear device aimed at Boulder, to be honest. Buffy says the girls who have been there longest need to be tested, and the weaker ones can say. Spike takes his tongue out of Faith’s mouth (kidding) long enough to comment that this could be a bait and switch routine, thinking that the untrained girls could get killed off while all the most powerful people are away. Hee, bait and switch. Buffy tells Willow to stay (guard duty again), and Xander also expresses his concern. Buffy indicates that Caleb won’t be expecting an attack this soon. You know, I really don’t need to see the random politics that go on before the action on this show. I watch West Wing for that. Giles says they need time to prepare, and Buffy tells Giles to piss off. Okay, she tells him to go teach the remaining Slayerettes who still need a teacher, but it amounts to the same thing.

Faith and Buffy stake out the vineyard. Don’t ask me, I guess they followed a bringer or something. Apparently the Bringers hang out here, and not at the Circle K, as I expected. They seem the Slushie-loving types to me. They briefly ponder why the Bringers get about so well without eyes, and I ponder why episode 18 made it this far without drastic revisions. Faith wonders if this is a trap, as the Bringer seemed to want to be followed, but Buffy doesn’t care if he did, she just wants this taken care of. Innit great how they are setting up Faith to show up Buffy again? There’s a little tension between Faith and Buffy about the SiTs, and Faith’s reason for coming back to Sunnydale. Ah, can it, we all know the reason. Buffy brings up that Faith helped Angel, and Faith says that Angel said hi. This scene is getting pretty cheap, too. Faith brings up that she was in Angel’s mind, and Buffy starts to get annoyed. I’m on your side, here, Buffy. Faith makes a comment detailing the closeness and how trippy it was, playing up to Buffy’s annoyance and enjoying it. She then comments about souled vamps, and how she can see both the darkness and the light in Spike, too. Yeah, you’ve known Spike for all of one cigarette, Faith. I guess I see the darkness and the light in all the people I have to hang out with during breaks at work, too. Buffy starts to ask how much Faith and Spike.something unfinished .as they are cut off by the fact that a Bringer is heading for the vineyard cellar door. I vote that we have more Bringers to break up cheesy scenes, just as I vote that we have the episode 15 shaman conk people over the head when they get too obnoxious. Faith and Buffy head back to get the troops.

Dawn and Xander are preparing everyone for battle. There’s an interesting thought. The Sit’s are worried, and there is another amusing exchange with Andrew. God, Tom Lenk keeps this show from being drivel. Rona is worried about the fact that Buffy is taking them all right in to fight the bad guy, and insinuates that Buffy doesn’t care about the SiTs. In one of the show’s better moments, Xander gives an inspiring and loving speech about Buffy and what she does for them and the world. They can trust Buffy, because she’s earned it. I’m sure Spike would have said something similar, had Faith not had her hands down his pants. Buffy and Faith wind up overhearing this as they walk in. Buffy is touched and Faith is impressed. She was probably staring at Spike’s crotch.

Back at the vineyard, Buffy, Xander, Faith, Spike, and a passel of SiTs get ready to move in for battle. They are going in two groups.Spike and Buffy on one team, Xander and Faith on the other. Good plan, distract the two out-of-character people from macking on eachother during the fight. The Buffy/Spike team goes in, and get attacked by Bringers. It’s chaos, but they beat off the Bringers (or is that repel?), causing them to retreat. La la la, it’s a long action scene I am not going to bother describing. Then Caleb appears from the shadows, his boots clicking on the concrete. Stephen King wants his royalty check, guys. Caleb talkes about purifying them, and makes some more comments about filthy women. I’m starting to get the feeling that CALEB.ahh, screw it. Then He punches Buffy, hard, sending her flying across the room and knocking her unconscious. You could have done that back in episode 15 when I still hated her, buddy. Everyone is shocked, and Caleb asks what else they’ve got.

The fight continues. It’s supposed to be all epic and stuff, but I’m still too squicked over the Faith/Spike flirtation and Buffy kissing Wood’s butt to care much. Spike, furious, vamps out and attacks Caleb, but Caleb blocks his punches with ease. He sends Spike flying across the room, too, and I guess he gets temporarily knocked out as well. Red wine is pouring out all over the place…hey, do you think if I drink it, Spike won’t look like an ass for spilling about sex with Buffy to a complete stranger? Sorry, Spikeykins, but you deserved to be knocked out for that one. Caleb yells to "his boys" to come on out and start kicking some filthy female ass (not in those words, but could the writers get less subtle? Hmm, female empowerment. A misogynist. It’s so shockingly not deep!). Caleb flounces about through the fight, calm, and manages to backhand Kennedy across the room into a wine rack. Nice. There’s another VCR moment. Rona, concerned, begins to rush after Kennedy, but Caleb grabs her and snaps her arm over his knee. That’ll teach you for worrying about Kennedy! Caleb tosses a knife to a Bringer so that he can finish off Rona…

And an arrow pierces the Bringer’s wrist. The Xander and Faith team have arrived! And, apparently, Xander is as good at archery as Dawn is at Sumerian. Faith attacks Caleb as the other group of SiTs attack the Bringers, and Xander ascertains the situation. He find’s Buffy’s knocked-out self, and saves her from another Bringer. You know, Xander is doing quite well here…ahh, crap, better not speak too soon. Caleb manages to send Faith flying, too, after spouting out some biblical references that just bore me. I’ve read it, thanks. I don’t need the Randall Flagg annotation. Random Potential comes up behind Caleb to attack. Bet she has a red shirt on, too. Caleb grabs her and snaps her neck. You know, I’d cheer him on for taking out those annoying little brats, but it’s like killing cockroaches. Molly watches this in horror, and then Caleb starts to stalk towards her.

Buffy starts to come to. Spike and Faith are both down (not on each other) but are recovering. The SiTs are getting pounded by the Bringers. Buffy looks at Xander, and orders a retreat. Caleb is backing the frightened Molly into a corner, going on and on about cleansing. I’m starting to suspect that he works for Ti-D-Bowl, and despite offing random SiTs, he’s getting very much on my nerves. And I think he hates women. He holds Molly up and plunges her own knife into her, and Buffy is not able to make it there in time. She screams and attacks Caleb again, but only manages to bring him to one knee. You know, this stuff is getting awfully similar to the Glory stuff in season five. But with random creepy biblical crap instead of funny lines.

Xander is helping the girls away as Buffy continues to fight Caleb. She manages to land a good punch and send him flying, and Spike stops her from going after him, stressing the urgency to leave. Xander manages to get Kennedy up, and she runs for the door. Oops, he gets grabbed by Caleb. Caleb says that Xander is the one who sees everything, and indicates he’s going to do something about that. Seems that Caleb has actually been reading scripts, as opposed to Goddard. He takes his thumb and plunges it into Xander’s eye socket. Spike and Buffy leave Rona (whom they were trying to help up) when they hear the screams. Spike manages to punch Caleb away before he goes for Xander’s other eye (I swear these people love Oedipus Rex imagery more than anything), and Buffy catches Xander. The two of them carry Xander out, and I get prepared for the deluge of posts on how Xander wearing a pirate eyepatch in "All the Way" was "foreshadowing". Caleb smiles and heads back into the darkness.

Scenes as Caleb does a voice over. The SiTs and Xander in the emergency room. Willow taking care of Xander. Buffy’s house, full of wounded SiTs, as she walks through the rooms. The SiTs are shooting her blaming looks. She can’t look at them. Caleb is talking about the story, and how it is going to have a happy ending.

Buffy walks alone in the night. Caleb talks about the foulness of women and the dirtiness of humans, as I roll my eyes. He says she is filled with despair because she does not know the glory that is coming. Caleb is talking to the FE/Buffy. He says he’ll kill them all, and that is the happy ending. Hell, he might be right.