Introduction

So anyway, a few of you kindly folks have been asking why I don’t have my own column? - you do know that it’s me that does nearly every damn thing on this site and the Mailbag every week right? The Alan Smithee credit may have misled - and the answer is simple: between work, having my brows plucked, scraping the gunk from hard to clean pots, and well, work (oh, I mentioned that bastard thing already?), I just don’t have time. I have less time to field all the emails though - so I’ve bitten the bullet and put pinkie to keypad. Thing is, do I have anything to rant about? Hmm...let me think. Hmmm. Ahhh. Oohhh. Yesss...(starting to sound like Ennis and Jack’s tent, hey?).... “The Matador” loses its local release date (what?!), the neighbours stole our top-of-the-range gardening hose, the producers of the Oscars telecast totally cut off the Best Picture (“Crash”) winners speech, you ask for a goddamn latte and you get very unfriendly-to-type1-diabetic chocolate sprinkles on top! (Did I stutter fool...I said latte, not cappuccino!), freakin’ snobs that can’t be bothered returning your emails because they’re too busy using IKEA’s online home-delivery service to upgrade their patio couch, the lack of love for “Deuce Bigalow : European Gigolo”, and my deity, the frustration in knowing that Jessica Alba will NEVER pose naked for Playboy. Slap me twice, snag Zsa Zsa for the crime and strip a coppers donut.... it stings like a bitch, reality, don’t it? Yeah, OK, so maybe I’ve got something to talk about. I’ll try and keep it PG-rated, or in the very least, friendly enough so that a youngster can sit on a Catholic priest’s lap and read. Or not. So here’s how we’re going to do this thing....I’m going to drink my tall Latte....and every time I stop for a breather...I’ll write. Pistols (put ‘em away Jack and Ennis) ready?

Quarter way through coffee

Anyone here in Australia seen those car commercials with Kim Cattrall? What the hell is with this woman! She’s the only one of the “Sex and the City” cast that turned down a film spin-off (her former co-stars still won’t return her calls, I hear), because she’s like ‘too good for that now’, and here she is, essentially playing a variation on Samantha whose ‘oohing, and aaahing’ and getting all wet-under-the-bloomers upon noticing a ‘Hump’ traffic sign. Lame. Someone give me a P, give me a R, an I, give me an O, an R, and an I, T, I again, give me a E, and an S!? The woman must be cracked. A “Sex” film might have snagged her a few more feature roles down the track, the only thing this car commercial is likely to do for her is get her a jammin’ in the back of some unwashed aussie yobbo’s ute. I’ve actually got more respect for Sharon Stone. Approaching 50, she knows she hasn’t got long to flaunt it, and she knows she’s in dire need of a hit (I hear the “Sphere” DVD makes for a good coaster though) and so she’s gone and done what she needs to do....”Basic Instinct 2”. She’s actually been trying to make it for years, but none of her potential male co-stars measured up. Not surprisingly, she’s settled on a guy whose last name features a ‘Morris’ in there, David Morrisey. Not familiar with his work, but I guess we’ll all be familiar with the glow of his butt cheeks by the end of the month. Anyway, for what it’s worth, the sequel looks quite OK. We know it won’t be the original - it was a treasure of it’s time - and it probably won’t do as much for Shazza’s career, but I dare say it’s going to make a heap of mint, and most importantly, get everyone a little hot under the Apollo neck. Have you seen the trailer? Wow, wow and wow. Here’s the link to the general one, and here’s a link to a much racier version (kids...please don’t press this one...I urge you...you’ll be up all night). Sony tell me they’ve also got a cool little site for the film up, so let’s voyage over there together after we’re done here. The link is here. I’ll be interested in hearing your thoughts about the film, and whether Shazza still has ‘it’, when it’s released.

Half-way through coffee

‘You don’t seem very excited about anything lately mate’. That’s the most common grumble I’ve heard from most folks of late - actually, the guy at my local sandwich bar gets off on that comment I think - mainly from people looking for me to gush about all the great movies out at the moment (Because, after spending all my day around films...I just wanna talk about them on the weekends, evenings, after work, ya’ know?). Sure, there’s a couple of goodies, but seriously, unless I suffered from long-term memory probs or amnesia, there’s not a lot out there: remakes, redoes, retools, restarts, reimagings, prequels, spin-off’s or comic-book movies. It’s more ‘been there, done that’ than Paris Hilton at a series launch. But for Mr.Sandwhiches, and anyone else who expects me to roll off fifty great titles when they ask me, there are a few goodies coming out this year: here’s a few you’ll see me front row centre for: the aforementioned “Basic Instinct 2”, the ‘if only for interest sake’ “Superman Returns”, the controversial “V for Vendetta”, the film based on the book that I still haven’t read “The Da Vinci Code” (though Hanks’s mullet is starting to scare me already), “X-Men 3” (has Brett stuffed it?), “Candy” with golden-girl Abbie Cornish and golden-girl (oops, golden boy) Heath Ledger, Michael Mann’s “Miami Vice”, Stone/Cage drama “World Trade Center”, Richard Kelly’s “Southland Tales”, and of course, “Garfield 2”, cos, well, I could use a good sleep. Happy? Now get me my salad sandwich, multigrain with extra ham!

Three quarters the way through coffee

George Clooney. He’s the best actor of our times. More than that though, he’s a return to golden Hollywood - someone that could easily sip Martini’s alongside Bogart, Gable, Monroe or Frank and look like he’s one of the gang. The man is cool. More importantly though, everything he touches turns to gold. Wells, there aren’t no hope in getting Doug Ross back in the Emergency Room, if even for a fleeting cameo, he’s strictly big leagues now. What a batsman he is too. (Next week, of course, I’ll talk about how he played his part in ruining the “Batman” franchise). But again, congrats on the Oscar win George - shout yourself a few girls, a fresh bottle of malt and have Ms Liu address you only as ‘Mr Sir’ or ‘My Master’ from here on out.

One sip to go

You know you want to Kyle, you know you want it too Mark...so get together, pin down the execs at ABC for a meeting and give us those ‘Cooper’ movies we KNOW you’ve dreamt of/discussed/hoped for since both of your careers went to Hallmark hell. If Lynch isn’t going to give us any more “Peaks” - dude, come on, I’m sure if you pushed you could at least get us a more definitive version of “Fire Walk With Me” out on DVD. What, you make one film every three years? Surely there’s time to supervise a remastering and splice some new scenes into a bungled up movie? - Then Mark Frost, please, at least give us nutty “Peaks” fans THIS. Heck, MacLachlan doing a series of American Express commercials, dressed as Cooper, would be enough.