For those of you who missed "The Matrix" trilogy, "Constantine" — the new supernatural horror flick from Warner Brothers — may be just for you. The similarities are remarkable, if you substitute God and the Devil for the computers and machines of "The Matrix." Directed by Francis Lawrence and based on the comic book series "Hellblazer," published by DC/Vertigo Comics, the film’s plot, such as it is, involves something about angels, the Antichrist, and Armageddon, and a magical artifact that’s instrumental to the end of the world. It’s the same worn-out storyline we’ve seen time and time again from pseudo-theological action thrillers. The film doesn’t really add anything new to the mix. Compared with other recent offerings in the same genre, it’s up there (or should I say, down there) with "Van Helsing" and "Exorcist: the Beginning."

Lauren Shuler Donner, who produced the successful "X-Men" films, apparently saw something worthwhile in the "Constantine" script, though, reportedly calling it "immensely appealing," and "intelligent, thrilling, a good story with an anti-hero at its core; the kind of movie in which the completely unexpected happens." Given her past successes with other comic book adaptations, one can’t simply write her off as being ignorant of the theatrical potential that comic books can have. Even so, the successful adaptation of one doesn’t mean every one will be a hit. For every "Spider-Man" there’s a "Punisher."

Comic books, like films, are a visual medium, but also a literary one. Adapting a literary work-if we do indeed consider comic books to be "literary" (and some, but not many, are)-is a challenge for even the best filmmakers to pull off. Especially for particularly obscure works with limited appeal such as "Constantine." It’s considerably cheaper to publish a comic book than it is to produce a feature film, so why take the risk on something with such a narrow audience? Especially after alienating the fan base by deviating from the comic so widely? They could be hoping for big revenue from the video rental market and merchandising, but those are some pretty long odds. Perhaps it’s simply an unapologetic attempt by Warner Brothers to woo its "Matrix" fans with a pale and paltry imitation. One "Constantine" film is more than enough. The release of two more would surely be a sign of the Apocalypse.

The film contains the usual array of demons and scary monsters which are out to stop the stereotypical loner hero before he can save the world. It tries hard to create a slick, wry take on the Apocalypse, giving the sets a gritty, metallic feel, and that’s about all it succeeds in doing. You want to take a shower after watching it. Mostly, it feels like an episode-any episode-of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Actually, "Buffy" was like Shakespeare compared to this. It’s as if they gathered up the dregs of the worst "Buffy" episodes and slung them together in a drunken stupor. I’m being as generous as I can be here.

Keanu Reeves once again steps into the role of a savior figure: the chain-smoking, unflappable exorcist John Constantine. The dead who litter his path are more animated than he, thanks to Reeves’ signature wooden acting. He strives for smugness and a sense of cool cynicism, but he just can’t pull it off. The comic book Constantine is a beguiling anti-hero. You’re not supposed to love him or even like him much. In marked contrast, the film version sparks absolutely no emotional response whatsoever. You don’t care whether he succeeds or not, and he’s as intriguing as a cement block.

Sadly, the other characters aren’t much better. Rachel Weisz plays police detective Angie Dodson, investigating the apparent suicide of her twin sister. Despite being integral to the story, Angie is ultimately a highly-forgettable character, thanks to minimal development and backstory. Weisz gave much more enjoyable performances in "The Mummy" remakes she starred in a few years ago, and expressed far more depth of character in "The Runaway Jury." The only intriguing aspect about Angie is that her faith is overshadowed by guilt. Yet rather than run with this revelation, the film largely ignores it. She may be the heroine, but that doesn’t seem to mean much to the filmmakers, in whose capable hands she becomes a dreary, unsympathetic character.

Constantine’s apprentice, Chas Chandler, played by Shia LaBeouf, supposedly is there to provide comic relief, yet there are few genuine laughs to be had (actually, there are several, but they are all unintentional). In one serious exchange, Chas tells his boss he feels like a slave, leaving the door wide open for a discourse on free will and destiny-which is, by the way, the film’s major theme-but once again, the filmmakers drop the ball. If they put as much effort into saying something interesting as they did putting the visuals together, they might have had something. Instead, we have a horror film that’s not exactly scary, and an action thriller that’s not terribly thrilling. It’s not even entertaining. It’s just an embarrassing waste of time. Hell may want him and Heaven won’t take him, but I just want my money back.