David Boreanaz

Jump forward twenty years and the stalk ’n’ slash movie is given a new coat of self-referential paint thanks to Wes Craven’s Scream. As with Friday the 13th the film generated a rash of Scream wannabes - I know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legend, and Cherry Falls, just to name a few. Unlike the ’80s however, this time it was familiar faces who were meeting a gruesome end, as well-known Hollywood names were queuing up to be offed. Directed by Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend), Valentine came in towards the end of the craze but was still able to boast a cast featuring Denise Richards, Katherine Heigl, and David Boreanaz.

What’s most surprising about this is that although it was based on a novel, there doesn’t seem to be enough plot here for even a short story. Geeky kid gets rejected by all the girls at a high school dance except the fat girl and when he’s caught practising mouth to mouth with her, a gang of boys beat the crap out of him after she claims he attacked her. Jump forward twenty years and he’s back for revenge. That’s it for the plot.

While the acting talent has improved, the characters remain as clichéd as ever with one of the girls even referring to them as “the popular one”, “the brainy one”, “the fun one”, “the sexy one”, and “the big, fat one”. An attempt at the knowing humour of Scream? Possibly, but if so, it falls flat as do the numerous references to other horror flicks of which Carrie and Halloween are only the most obvious.

While the identity of the killer is clear even from an early stage (and gets more obvious as he kills the other possible candidates) the film still tries to keep us guessing even to the extent of pulling a double bluff at the end that you’d have to be deaf and blind not to spot coming.

One day someone may make a good Valentine’s Day horror movie, till then we’ll have to make do with this. While it may not be scary it does feature Denise Richards in a hot tub (sadly not naked) and that must weigh in its favour. Unfortunately it’s all that does.