Dollhouse

What If Moviemakers Swapped Franchises?

The problem with big movie franchises is that you always know what to expect; it’s always the same guys making the same movies. But what if you swapped creators and movie franchises around? Here’s what’d work - and what wouldn’t.

McG’s Dollhouse

Pros: Revamping Joss Whedon’s television series into a stand-alone movie, McG would give interviews about really getting to the heart of the darkness at the center of the concept but then present a movie that’s a series of comedic vignettes wherein Eliza Dushku, Lucy Liu and Ellen Page are sassy, independent girls who have to roleplay different personalities and lives while working undercover for D.O.L.L.house, a secret spy organization that pretends to brainwash people and rent them out to clients - with hilarious consequences!

Cons: Revamping Joss Whedon’s television series into a stand-alone movie, McG would give interviews about really getting to the heart of the darkness at the center of the concept but then present a movie that’s a series of comedic vignettes wherein Eliza Dushku, Lucy Liu and Ellen Page are sassy, independent girls who have to roleplay different personalities and lives while working undercover for D.O.L.L.house, a secret spy organization that pretends to brainwash people and rent them out to clients - with hilarious consequences!

Bay, Kurtzman and Orci’s Batman

Pros: You’d get a new Batman movie every two years, even if Michael Bay would complain and tell people that he didn’t want to make it but the studio offered him so much money he couldn’t say no. Plus, with Bay attached, you know that they’d get to Catwoman as soon as humanly possible instead of this whole "I am a nihilist Joker" crap from The Dark Knight.

Cons: Kurtzman and Orci would probably take their Daddy issues (Fringe’s Walter/Peter complicated relationship, Star Trek’s Kirk trying to live up to his dead father’s memory by self-destructing but then coming through as the hero he was destined to be, even Transformers’ Optimus as Tough-But-Fair Robot Daddy to Shia’s Sam Whitwicky) to pop culture’s most parent-obsessed character, leading to the risk of a third act emotional breakthrough where Batman cries. There are enough Batman characters to make Revenge Of The Fallen seem understaffed, and the various personality tics of said Batman characters could lead to more unfunny schtick like the Twins and/or Jazz from the Transformers movies. Michael Bay possibly already sees himself as Bruce Wayne. Also, there’s every possibility that the movie would make no sense whatsoever (See: Transformers, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen).

JJ Abrams’ Terminator

Pros: Abrams’ sense of kinetic, fun filmmaking is just what the franchise needs after Terminator Salvation - He’s a sci-fi nerd who knows how to make successful popcorn movies full of tech that are really all about people; in other words, he’s a younger James Cameron, before Cameron fell more in love with the tech involved in making movies. A Terminator-ized "Bad Robot" logo would be awesome. There’d probably be a Simon Pegg cameo.

Cons: Abrams’ inability to not have a happy ending would mean that Skynet would be completely defeated by the time he was done, whether it was a movie or trilogy. The time travel core concept would allow him to reboot the series whenever he wanted, with Zachary Quinto as Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. There’d probably be a Keri Russell cameo. Actually, fuck the cons. I really want to see Abrams do Terminator, the more I think about it.

Christopher Nolan’s GI Joe

Pros: If anyone could give GI Joe some critical credibility, it’s Christopher Nolan.

Cons: Nolan’s attempt would probably be called A Real American Hero and would likely be three hours long, most of which would be spent filled with actors who should know better (Yes, Gary Oldman, we’re looking at you) telling the audience how difficult it is to be a real American hero in a morally ambiguous world. There would be at least one subplot about abuse of military power to underscore the moral ambiguity until we move into the third act when the audience needs to get pumped and then Duke would abuse military power to stop the bad guy and then walk away in disgust in order to make a point that will be lost on the majority of an audience who were excited to see shit blow up finally. Cobra Commander would be so compelling that you’ll start to wonder if he’s wandered on set from a different, better, movie. Purists would complain about Snake Eyes’ closing monologue about how difficult it is to be a ninja in the US military. No child would ever want to buy a GI Joe toy ever again.

Bryan Singer’s Transformers

Pros: Singer’s mix of geek cred and understanding of human drama/cheap angst is exactly what the Robots in Disguise need. His X-Men movies show that he can deal with large casts, and also keep the core of the original concepts and characters without getting weighed down by nostalgia. His Superman Returns shows that he, uh... knows Kevin Spacey, who could probably do a good Megatron voice? Okay, maybe not that last one.

Cons: Tom Cruise would end up playing Optimus Prime, and Ian McKellen would cameo as the Matrix of Leadership/Allspark/Creation Matrix/whatever the hell it’s called these days. Singer would leave before the last film in the trilogy to go and make a Go-Bots movie about Leader-1 really being Jesus and stalking his ex-girlfriend.