Firefly

Well, the big news these days is that Episode 3 is out. It’s going to dominate the box office for the next few months and there’s nothing we can do about it. Frankly, I’m not excited at all. I’ll see it, but not opening weekend and it’s only going to be because I’m curious.

So my thinking is that tons of people are going to come out of this movie and feel sad because they were looking forward to this for so long and now it’s over. The Star Wars epic is coming to a close (except for maybe a TV show to come later). What is there to look forward to (besides the TV show)? Well, there are quite a few movies coming up that look good and I’m gonna count them down for you! You’re welcome.

6. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I’m not really sure if this will be good, but I’m curious, so I’m adding it as a surprise number six. Surprise! That and it stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. That’s a lot of hot for one screen and I have to wonder if the movie screens are just going to spontaneously combust or something. Whatever, it looks okay.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith are secret agents who are married to each other and end up getting contracts to kill each other, or something. If that’s not contrived then I don’t know what contrived means (note: I do not know what contrived means).

5. War of the Worlds. Frankly I was loath to put this on my list because I’m a bit Tom Cruised out. I’m on Cruise control. I’m out to sea (on a cruise...get it?). I’m cruisin’. Wondering about those awful puns? Well, I’ll tell you their purpose: I like to hit my low-point early on in the post so there is nowhere to go but up!

Anyhow, I’m a bit sick of Cruise and hearing about how he is railing Katie Holmes. I’d totally watch that sex video, by the way. Anyhow, Spielberg directed it and he rarely disappoints, so it’s on the list. Oh yeah, and I’m a big fan of the book and this looks nothing like it.

4. Batman Begins. This should be awesome. They have a serious director in Christopher Nolan, and a serious actor in Christian Bale and tons of other serious actors and it should be seriously good. Batman Begins to kick ass!

3. The Wedding Crashers. The latest from the "frat-pack." Old School was awesome. Anchorman was on point. Dodgeball was good. These guys just make hilarious movies and the idea behind this one is as strong as any.

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, who is my hero, play two guys that like to crash weddings for the emotionally vulnerable, and thus easy women. Genius! Seriously, I can’t believe I didn’t think of writing this movie. And casting Vince Vaughn was brilliant. He was born to play this role.

Need another reason to see it? Summer Altice is in this film. Who is Summer Altice you ask? Well, Summer Altice has basically fucked all of Hollywood. I like her because she is hot and slutty as hell. She’s sick of modeling and wants to become a big-time actress, and if Vin Diesel’s dick is what’s in her way, then giddy-up.

She’s done a lot of nude work if you want to look it up. Pretty easy to find.

2. Wonder Woman. Will. Kick. Your. Ass. Joel Sliver went ahead and hired the authority on heroines, the huge-brained Joss Whedon himself. The script isn’t done yet, Wonder Woman has not been cast yet, but I can confidently tell you that this movie is going be 1. Really well done 2. Funny 3. Scary. 4. Contain thrilling heroics and 5. Not suck.

5. Serenity. There is little doubt in my mind that this will be the best movie of 2005. The TV it’s based on is one of the best ever, but don’t worry, knowledge of the TV show is not necessary for enjoying the movie. Joss Whedon made it, so as mentioned above, it will be hilarious and thrilling and all of those good things. The idea beind is it that in this opressive Alliance is in charge in the future and the universe is being settled in a manner that causes the outlying planets to lack the conveniences that you would expect them to have. Settlers are just thrown down on barren planets to make it on their own. So it’s sci-fi, but it also has western elements.

Malcom Reynolds fought for the independence in the war (the losing side, but he’s still not convinced it was the wrong one), and has since then bought a ship and is making his living doing whatever jobs allows him to keep just outside the long arms of the alliance so he can still be free. These are usually illegal jobs. He and his awesome crew, who I can’t give justice to here recently picked up a girl by accident and she’s been causing them all manner of trouble. She’s a genius and the Alliance was playing her brain. She has powers that we can only wait ’til the movie to find out about.

Oh, and there are also Reavers, men who have gone crazy from the nothingness of space. They will rape you to death, eat you, and sew your flesh into their clothes, and if you are very, very lucky, they will do it in that order.