Word of the day: Xcentric - Animal of the day: Panther

The “most exciting entertainer on planet earth” opened the show and let’s just say, David Copperfield he is not. Martik Manoukin, aka Xcentric, was perhaps the strangest of the lot in L.A. The sound effects as he tossed off his glasses, vest and shirt were probably the best part of his show. But wait, there was the panther crawl up to the judges table - priceless. Oh, yes, and there was the song he obviously wrote. And then there was the purring, or was it growling? Who could tell?

Olivia Newton-John, aka Sandy from Grease and the singer behind such hits as “Physical” and "Xanadu" was around to learn firsthand what an American Idol audition is really like. I think she may have been a bit shocked. She looks pretty darned fantastic for a woman of a certain age. She only said nice things. Frankly, I think Courtney Love would be a welcome change. Give Simon a run for his money.

Some other really bad examples of what people pass off as talent in this world: Sholandric Stallwork, who aspires to be Julio Inglesias but whose voice was unbelievably horrendous. He butchered “If Ever You’re in My Arms Again.” Marianna Riccio, who possibly had the look of an American Idol and whose mother was one of Dean Martin’s Gold Diggers (like that is such a good thing), was astonishing. My notes read, “Wow, that’s bad!” Need I say more? Well, yes, Simon and Randy did find her mom “foxy.”

There was the woman dressed as a cowgirl. No actually, she was dressed as the entire cow. Also, the banana. There may have been other fruits and vegetables, but we were not privy to them. Once again, I ask, what are these people thinking? They cannot really believe they are going to make it to Hollywood. And how cruel are the people who pre-judge the contestants before sending them on to Simon, Paula and Randy? They obviously see way too many terrible acts not to pass a few on to the judges.

Then there were the kneelers, beggars, criers and those who have no sense of self-respect. Not to mention Phuong Pham, aka the female Taylor Hicks. Not even close. She was completely and without a doubt talentless in both singing and dancing. Although I felt a little sad for her since her mom said she wasn’t “TV pretty.” Taylor is unusual, but he can actually sing a tune and, though his moves are not JT’s, still, he can dance.

Finally, after so much crap, we saw Alaina Alexander, and you can always tell the ones who are going to make it through. I knew it the second I saw her. She was a pretty girl and sang a song quite appropriate for her voice, “Feelin’ Good” by Michael Buble. She reminded me of Buffy, (Sarah Michelle Gellar), and that’s a good thing. Simon thought she was really times-three great. He quite liked her.

Close behind Alaina was Brandon Rogers - not only cute, but way talented. Another background singer (remember Melinda Doolittle), Brandon has been on tour with Anastasia and Christina, not bad for a kid from North Hollywood. When he announced he was going to sing “Always on My Mind,” I wasn’t so sure about the choice, but wow, did he pull it off. He may just be moving into my No. 1 position. He’s going to give Thomas Daniels and Sundance Head a run for their money.

The touching moment of the night came when Sherman Pore, a 64-year-old gentleman, brought in his petition to sing. His girlfriend of 20 years had just passed away, and he sang “You Belong to Me.” It made Paula cry and Olivia a little misty.

The couple - Sparkles and Darryl, of the shiny grill - was unaware that they both were terrible. Have these people no true friends to tell them the truth? Sparkles flirted with Simon during the audition and then cursed him out after not making it through. Charming.

The rest were just awful, but some 40-odd people were sent through to Hollywood.

Notable mention: Eric Mueller sang a Hillary Duff song in a high voice, not even really a falsetto, just an uncomfortable place to be. He had learned how to sing through Paula and Randy’s DVD, Learn to Sing Like the Stars. Though it was a resounding NO from the judges, he almost made it through because Simon was so amused once he found that out. He went running after the poor kid, as did Paul and Randy, only to completely confuse the odd boy who said he was leaving.

We only have to put up with one more night of auditions in San Antonio, and we’re home free. Let’s hope Texas has something to offer that’s worth waiting for.