I was excited the first time I saw ads for BBC America’s Hex. Truth is, I’m in perpetual mourning for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and may be ‘til the day I die, or Joss Whedon finally directs Wonder Woman. I had some small hope that this trendy, demony-looking show might be a temporary balm.

It started off semi-promising. Cassie is a pretty blonde teenager struggling to fit in at an exclusive boarding school of the sort that only seems to exist in Great Britain. It’s set on impossibly lovely and remote grounds. The school resembles an ancient castle, of course. The students appear to be able to leave the grounds with impunity in order to visit the local uber-hip pub and the urbane headmaster dismisses them with bon mots like, “Be free and try not to multiply”.

Cassie’s roommate is Thelma, who is, of course, a lesbian who dresses in some BBC wardrobe mistress’ idea of “lesbian goth chick” chic. Thelma loves Cassie. Cassie loves boys and yearns to be popular. There’s the cool in-crowd headed by a cruel bitch named (I’m not making this up) Roxanne. Through a series of wacky misadventures, Cassie discovers she is descended from a long line of witches and is being stalked by a sexy fallen angel named Azazeal. Azazeal wants Cassie to have his baby, who will, as is so often the case in these instances, unleash unpleasantness on earth.

Azazeal has been wandering the earth trying, unsuccessfully, to impregnate many generations of blonde waifs since being drummed out of heaven some thousand years ago, apparently for his penchant for trying to knock up blonde waifs. (Note to fundamentalists: Even God wants his angels practicing safe sex!)

Azazeal is tall, dark, and handsome, with dreamy eyes and cheekbones that could cut diamonds. One would think he’d not have much problem pulling tail. However, his means of seduction involve driving Cassie’s mother insane, revealing himself in monstrous demonic form, possessing a boy Cassie is dating, stealing her unborn baby, and murdering her roommate.

Maybe next time he could try buying a girl a drink. Seriously, it’s worked for millions.

So far, a pale imitation of Buffy, yet somehow even with magic and complicated mythology and stone gargoyles turning into real ones, Hex is, in fact, excruciatingly dull. Part of the problem is Cassie. She drifts around trying to get boys to like her when she ought to be, I dunno, figuring out how to stop Armageddon.

She discovers magic powers but never seems to use them when they might be useful. When given explicitly clear guidelines for her safety, such as “He can’t harm you if you wear this pendant” and “Whatever you do, don’t leave the safety of the pentagram”, she’s the sort of girl who’ll promptly lose the pendant and run out of the pentagram to chase after a loud crashing noise in the dark while yelling “Hello?” While plenty of 98-minute horror films are based on this particular type of lass, an eight-week TV series is an entirely different matter. One begins to root for Azazeal to just sacrifice her already, and on to the next generation, please.

Any entertainment to be had comes from Thelma who, after being offed by Az, returns as a ghost. A goth chick lesbian ghost. The thing I really love about the BBC is that much of their television seems so quaint. Sitcoms often star characters in the most ridiculous guises with no attempt to hide bad wigs or fake padding. The network motto ought to be “Hey, gang, lets put on a show!”

Thelma is eventually joined in her struggle by a demon hunter who dresses like Barbarella on her way to a Prince concert. No one in the school seems the least bit perturbed by this new 30-ish student wearing a purple lace trimmed black leather cat suit and duster jacket.

British boarding school is so awesome!