An open letter to Gail Berman, entertainment president of the Fox network:

Hello, Gail! How are things? Sorry about all the reality show failures. No, really, I mean it. It’s a tough blow to take. I feel your pain. Actually, I feel the pain that your reality shows inflict on me, but that’s just being nitpicky about word usage.

Anyway, listen, I’m not going to be there when you face the nation’s television critics in the next week or so. Couldn’t make it. Honest truth: I couldn’t get away from the family, and for the love of God I couldn’t endure another five seconds of the Lifetime channel. That’s actually true, but not that funny. How about this: I didn’t want to come down and witness in person all the stuff you’re going to unleash at midseason.

Ha! Ho! Oh, that’s rich. (What this really illustrates is my inherited need to make jokes before difficult confrontations. But I digress.)

Hey, on a positive note, listen, "24" is red hot, despite my repeated assertions that it’s stupid. Look at it this way: By dominating the Nielsens, it’s your highest-rated comedy!

Whoo, boy. I could do this all week. I like this playful banter. Every time we talk, it’s like we can fall right into this. Me a little critical, you rolling with it and being upbeat about the future. It’s nice.

Anyway, let’s get to it: It’s time you take back your network.

Honestly, it’s never too soon to start thinking about legacy. You and I both know that the shelf life of a network entertainment president is, what ... hey, you still there?

Exactly.

Right now might be a good opportunity to make your mark. Tell us (or the huddled masses of our nation’s most jaded critics — I’m at home by the fire), how you plan to pull out of this nose dive. I’ll be frank with you: Right now, Fox is adrift in a sea of brutality.

— "The Swan." Brutal.

— "Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy." Brutal.

— "Who’s Your Daddy?" Brutal.

— "The Next Great Champ." Brutal.

— "The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best." Brutal.

— "The Complex: Malibu." Brutal.

— "Nanny 911." Brutal.

— "My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss." Brutal.

Help me out here. Nobody likes to be redundant.

You get the point, right? Careful, this next point has a sharp edge on it: You are presiding over a network that spews crap into the culture. Not a great tagline for "Who’s Who in America" — nor a keen legacy. But there you have it.

Actually, Mike Darnell has it. Because Mike Darnell, reality kingpin at your network, appears to be running the show. In a town hell-bent on getting its titles correct, I had assumed that "entertainment president" meant you ran the programming side of the Fox television network, like all your broadcast peers who share the same title do at their respective networks.

And yet, how can this be true? Certainly you’re not responsible for driving the network into the ground. I know you a little bit. You’re smart, powerful. We may disagree on some shows — come on, there’s no way "Firefly" was going to work — but I like your instincts. You helped launch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" way back in the day. At Fox, you’ve steered the network to wonderful creative heights — "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Wonderfalls" just to name two of my personal faves. This despite the fact nobody rewarded you by actually watching the shows.

That’s OK, we critics noticed.

Just that you were there for "Arrested Development" and pushed hard for its return is good enough for me. I know the lengths you went through to protect the show from that meddlesome Rupert Murdoch, who hated it. That took guts. But you’ve always been tough.

Now, let’s put that in action. Tell Darnell to stuff it. He works for you. Remind him there are no untouchables in the TV business. He may think he’s a god now, but his track record is headed in reverse, and it’s giving off that stench of relentless failure. You’re in a business that doesn’t tolerate failure. Unless you put a leash on him, it’s your head that’s coming off.

That’s your first order of business. Reclaim the network. Tell Darnell to get you more "American Idol" type shows. Until then, keep him in his office like a rat.

Then, let’s get you thinking about what’s good, not what will work. I know, I know. A lot of successful programmers think about what will appeal to the masses. You can see that in how CBS is coasting with its comedies. Don’t you worry. Karma is driving down Cahuenga and side streets beyond. It cannot be stopped.

I’m looking at the season’s scripted series that you — not Darnell — launched. "Method & Red." Bad. "North Shore." Woeful. "Quintuplets." Where’s the joy in lameness? OK, so "House" found an audience. That helps. Bringing back "Family Guy" — happy to see someone in the Fox family admit failure and repent (though Seth MacFarlane’s other animated series for you, "American Dad," looks painfully familiar to the original).

How about the upcoming stuff: "Jonny Zero." Well, hey, someone may watch that. "Point Pleasant." Better.

But I’ve got to tell you that it seems as if you started programming without your gut instincts. Where’s the genius? I know, it doesn’t sell. Nobody’s watching your Emmy-winning gem, "Arrested Development." Perhaps that’s because you never promo it. Walk down to the promotions people and say, "Hey, I know you crafted 5,000 spots for ’My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss’ and I know you’re all working on something cute for ’The O.C.,’ but let’s share the love."

Otherwise, fire them. The blame has to start somewhere. Because it will eventually reach the top. Reminder: You’re the top.

Let’s be honest yet again: Your development season was lousy. ABC has two hit shows (no need to name them) that you should have had. They’re Fox-like. Used to be, people knew a Fox show. Daring, boundary-pushing, hip, smart, addictive.

Now you’re just the network that airs awful reality shows that nobody is watching. Now you’re just Mike Darnell’s network.

Rise up, Gail. Take it back. Then take another swing at the scripted stuff. Better to do "Arrested Development," "Wonderfalls," "Buffy" and so on than to be the person who dreamed up "Who’s Your Daddy."