Buffy The Vampire Slayer

So you need to slay some monsters and Sarah Michelle Gellar is off filming her next crappy movie?

Have no fear, Tim is here, with some handy advice on how to survive encounters with things that go bite in the night.

First, a word of warning: Don’t use this advice on any real people. Make sure you’re dealing with a genuine werewolf, not a guy in a Halloween mask. And remember the first rule of survival if you and your friends run into some monsters: You don’t have to outrun the monsters, you just have to outrun your friends.

The Vampire What you’re dealing with: Blood-slurping, overgrown Goth kids who love bats, spider webs and sleeping in those cramped, uncomfortable coffins. Somehow, they’ve become sex symbols. And say, how did Frank Langella get his hair to look so good when he couldn’t see himself in the mirror?

Hollywood’s solution: Find the vampire in his coffin and, very slowly and with mounting tension, drive a stake into his chest, hoping he doesn’t wake up and tear your throat out first.

Tim’s solution: Crossbow to the chest. From across the room. While you’re wearing about three dozen crosses, garlic necklaces and vials of holy water around your neck.

The Werewolf What you’re dealing with: More furry and ferocious than a Pomeranian, and a lot bigger, too. But their howls aren’t quite as ear-piercing.

Hollywood’s solution: Shoot them with your very last silver bullet, then let an old gypsy woman lament their passing while you wait for the box-office results to see if it’s sequel time.

Tim’s solution: It’ll be more docile if you have it spayed or neutered.

The Mummy What you’re dealing with: These walking cadavers hail from ancient Egypt, love curses, and somehow strangle people by sneaking up on them without the victim catching a whiff of their musty smell.

Hollywood’s solution: Usually some convoluted scheme involving an ankh or some incantation written on a piece of papyrus that is way too easy to lose track of.

Tim’s solution: Run in a straight line, you fool! He shambles along slower than a slug dragging a turtle behind him. If you can, snag a piece of the mummy’s bandage and run in a wide circle around him until you unravel him. Then he’ll either collapse into dust, or if he’s bashful, get embarrassed about being naked and go hide somewhere.

The Walking Dead What you’re dealing with: Zombies that crave human flesh, brains or some combination thereof.

Hollywood’s solution: Hole up somewhere with other survivors until you break out into fights and kill each other, leaving one or two people to get devoured by the ever-growing horde of the undead hanging around outside waiting for a nibble.

Tim’s solution: Go somewhere there aren’t many people around. A movie theater playing a Tom Cruise movie, perhaps. At any rate, hope for some of the slow-moving Romero zombies and not the newer, running-maniac zombies.

The Frankenstein Monster What you’re dealing with: The most popular of the Walking Dead, this guy’s been in more movies than James Bond, Harry Potter and Michael Caine put together.

Hollywood’s solution: Angry villagers, pitchforks and torches.

Tim’s solution: Egg on the angry villagers, but stay at the back of the crowd.

The Creature From the Black Lagoon What you’re dealing with: Big, scaley and fond of girls in bathing suits.

Hollywood’s solution: Follow him to his lair and rescue the girl in the bathing suit. Then have a wrestling match over a spear gun and harpoon his butt.

Tim’s solution: Stay away from black lagoons. Duh.

Godzilla What you’re dealing with: Bigger, scalier, and less interested in girls in bathing suits.

Hollywood’s solution: Watch helplessly as he smashes Tokyo and then goes back into the ocean.

Tim’s solution: See "Hollywood’s Solution." The guy’s 500 feet tall. You think you’re gonna make a difference?

Jason, Freddy, or Michael Myers What you’re dealing with: These Hollywood hearthrobs target horny teenagers and just can’t be stopped no matter what you do, as long as there are movie tickets and DVDs to sell.

Hollywood’s solution: Band together with other horny teenagers and get whittled down one by one. If you manage to be the last H.T. standing, come up with some deathtrap that will surely kill the baddie ... but where’s the body???

Tim’s solution: Don’t have sex. This isn’t too difficult a goal for many fans of these movies.