Today’s public service warning is about “friends,” and not the craptacular sitcom either! I’m talking about the people who call themselves your “friends.” Now that we’re all clear, listen up: If you’re not careful, these people will grab on to you, sink their teeth in and suck, suck, suck until there’s nothing left. And not in a good way either! It’s especially tough on us celebrity types who literally have sycophants swinging from our armpit hairs. Oh, suuuuuure! They say they’re your friends, but when the coke runs out, what do you see in the mirror? Just you ... all alone. You and a nose full of crusty booger sugar.

My friends especially suck. They’re always ringing up the cell with a “Hey-hey, Humpy! I really want to bone Kristin Kreuk who plays Lana on Smallville. Can you hook my ass up?” Or, “Hey-hey, Humpy! I really want to bone Adam Brody who plays Seth on The O.C. Can you hook my ass up?” Oh, hell no! I ain’t gonna hook your ass up! If anyone is boning Lana and Seth, it’s gonna be Humpy’s bone that’s doing the boning!

And if they’re not asking me for a celebrity bony hookup, they’re banging on my door at midnight begging for any combination of the following: booze, pills, guns, money, cars, explosives, freeze-dried venison, bootleg Spider-Man 2 DVDs, cherry-flavored condoms, a Taiwanese butler, a first edition signed copy of The Grapes of Wrath, one of Elvis’ toenails in a vial of formaldehyde, a plastic flower that squirts acid, a pinch of my honey-baked ham, or a beaver dressed in a top hat and monocle who answers to the name of “Mr. Sticky Lollipop.” They just won’t freaking leave me alone!!!

However, let us pause for a moment to thank television, which is always available to solve my problems. Case in point: This Sunday, July 18, at 10pm, HBO is debuting a new original series devoted solely to the problems inflicted by my shitheel friends, titled Entourage. This half-hour sitcom/satire tells the story of a young, hot Hollywood star named Vince (Adrian Grenier) who suddenly hits it big. Unfortunately, four of his pals from the old neighborhood in Queens decide to tag along for the ride. Together they attempt to learn the rules of Tinseltown, which include but are not limited to: (a) living in mansions, (b) snorting blow, (c) attending awards shows, (d) hanging out in fancy bars, (e) going to all-night parties, (f) meeting other celebrities and (g) boning beautiful people like the aforementioned Kreuk and Brody.

Plus, there are tons of real-life celebrity cameos making the scene, such as Val Kilmer, Jessica “Dark Angel” Alba (rrrrrowrrrr!) and executive producer Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg, who came up with the idea for the show based on his own real-life experiences with his real-life shitheel friends! So besides owning a big prosthetic penis, that’s another thing Marky Mark and I have in common!

So I guess what I’m hoping for is that all my friends will watch Entourage and begin to get an inkling of the pain they’re putting me through. And if you won’t do it for my sake ... for the love of God, think of Mr. Sticky Lollipop!

Don’t be writing me for a Kristin Kreuk hookup! steve@portlandmercury.com