Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Suspense.

Surprise.

Drama.

Intrigue.

If this is what your body craves from an awards show, prepare to go into jittery withdrawals after The 55th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards is done with you tomorrow night (CTV, Fox, 8 p.m.).

Sure, television’s glitterati will be out in force, sparkling in their designer duds and fake smiles. Outside the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, wide-eyed fans will wave signs, snap cameras and scream praises of eternal devotion into the azure sky.

Jennifer Aniston (Friends) will be all coy and giggly. If she wins, again, for best actress in a comedy, hopefully she’ll remember to thank husband Brad Pitt. (Beware Bennifer, Jennifer.)

The guys competing for best dramatic actor - Michael Chiklis (The Shield), Peter Krause (Six Feet Under), James Gandolfini (The Sopranos), Kiefer Sutherland (24) and Martin Sheen (The West Wing) - will be suitably dramatic, wearing expressions that are both dour and insouciant.

Throughout the long, long night, acceptance speeches will incorporate breathless delivery and shrill, high-pitched registers. The female winners will flutter their hands in front of their immaculate faces and exclaim, "I can’t believe this!"

The men will hoist the golden-winged statuette in one hand, glance toward it lovingly, and mutter disingenuous inanities like: "This really belongs to the other guys in this category."

In order, those getting the most "thanks" in acceptance speeches will be, 1) networks, 2) producers, 3) agents, 4) the Academy, 5) managers, 6) God, 7) spouses, 8) crews, 9) families and 10) writers.

This year, in a futile attempt to enliven the three-hour monotony, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has decided to use multiple hosts: Ellen DeGeneres, Brad Garrett, Darrell Hammond, George Lopez, Conan O’Brien, Garry Shandling, Martin Short, Jon Stewart and Wanda Sykes.

So. Expect several jokes about self-deprecating lesbians, misunderstood Latinos, and the political shortcomings of George W. Bush. Oh, yes Wanda, why aren’t there more black people on television? Huh? The Emmys? Why don’t we just call them The Whiteys?

As in the past, HBO leads all the networks with 109 nominations. NBC is second with 77, CBS has 59, Fox scored 37 and lowly ABC garnered 33.

Speaking of Garner, expect Jennifer (Alias) to slither out of her limo in something sheer and revealing, unbefitting a double agent. If Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex And The City) wins, hit the mute button before she wobbles on stage - you won’t understand a word she says.

Six Feet Under justifiably leads all shows with 16 nominations. Less justified is The West Wing, which follows closely behind with 15 nominations, an astonishing achievement given the show lost both its audience and creator last year.

With 13 nominations, there is a three-way tie for third place: The Sopranos, Sex And The City and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Did you get that? Everybody Loves Raymond has 13 nominations. If this doesn’t telegraph you how hopelessly tired and predictable the Emmys have become, how incapable they are at gauging excellence, then you probably have a "I Just Love The Geminis!" T-shirt in your closet.

I suppose when you have 27 televised categories to plough through, there will be some odd groupings. Take, for example, the "Outstanding Non-fiction Program (Alternative)" category that has The Osbournes competing against PBS’s Antiques Roadshow. There’s a joke in here somewhere, but I’m too stunned to find it.

This year, in a gesture of sheer petulance, voters snubbed NBC’s venerable Law & Order. Had it earned a nod for best series, it would have set a record with 12 consecutive nominations, surpassing Cheers and M*A*S*H.

There were other notable omissions. Two of the best shows on television, NBC’s Boomtown and HBO’s brilliant The Wire, were all but shut out in favour of established shows. Ditto for Scrubs and the now-departed Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

And just as the "reality" craze sputters to an end, we get a new category to fete all the genre’s dubious achievements. And the winner for "Best Performance While Eating A Chunk of Horse Rectum" goes to ...

If there’s any justice in the world of television, the following deserve to win in their respective categories:

Drama Series: Six Feet Under.

Comedy Series: Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Miniseries: (Steven Spielberg Presents) Taken.

Variety, Music or Comedy Series: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.

Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Peter Krause (Six Feet Under).

Lead Actress in a Drama Series: Edie Falco (The Sopranos).

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm).

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm In The Middle).

There you have it. If you’re planning to watch tomorrow night, it might be wise to sit on your hands to avoid biting off your nails. The excitement should be monumental.