I’m above you. Better than. I’ll admit, I don’t know who’s reading this. I’m sure a large number of you are fine people with many admirable qualities. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter. Regardless, the words above will still ring true: I’m simply a better person than you.

The reasons why are obvious to anyone with a sufficiently advanced intellect, but since I’m the only one who actually possesses a sufficiently advanced intellect, I’m afraid I’ll have to explain it. I’ll try to be adequately simplistic to enable you to decipher my argument.

First, there are my academic accomplishments. When I get my degree next year it will be despite an attendance and effort record of Senate-like proportions. Unlike so many of you who trudge along, struggling to acquire enough knowledge to pass your courses, I have no need for such trifles as “reading textbooks” and “attending classes.”

My taste, too, is unrivalled among the general population. There are many nerds out there, for example, but they’re all too focused; there are your Star Trek nerds, your Buffy nerds, your sports nerds, your music nerds and so on. These are all well and good, but they’re so limiting; I recognize the importance of being all of these things.

And even within each area, I’m superior. Many people enjoy watching sports, but few appreciate the inherent value of sport, on a philosophical level, like I do. Many people brag about “liking all music,” but no one else has an iTunes playlist that cycles from Buck 65 to Bob Wills.

Then there’s my ethical superiority. Most of you are so morally flawed that you gleefully support the institutionalized torture and slaughter of animals simply for your own dietary pleasure. You all know, deep down, that that’s stupid, but I’m one of the few who’s managed to overcome the natural human tendency to kid ourselves about it. And that’s to say nothing of my generosity, my tenderness and my compassion.

Now, I don’t want any of this to come off as arrogance. I have faults, and I’m keenly aware of them. Yet in truth, even in this my inherent superiority is evident. Knowing your faults is the first step to correcting them, after all, and correct them I do. I became vegan; I taught myself to deal with strangers, however inferior; I learned how to carry a newspaper on my back-in short, I’m just constantly bettering myself. I was already pretty damned awesome when I first came to this University, but after seven years of adding even more skills to my impressive repertoire, I can honestly say without hyperbole that I’m a million times more awesome now.

Remember, too, that in the 16 March Gateway I penned an entire article owning up to a rather poor prediction I’d made. How many of you have the grace, the courage and the good humour to humble yourselves like that, not to mention the intelligence to recognize when it’s called for? Not many, that’s how many. But I do.

Plus, as part of the deal, I even got to lift a national hockey championship trophy. There are only a few dozen other students here who can say that-and they all had to work much harder than I did for the privilege. Sure, they can talk about having “earned it,” but I think we can all agree that my way is much more efficient.

I could go on-and on and on and on, because I’m truly fantastic in a plethora of ways-but I think my point is made. I’m so smart in so many ways, so good at so many things, that the fact I’m able to deal at all with people who just don’t compare to me-which is to say everyone-is just a further sign of how great I am.

Men want to be me; women also want to be me. Unfortunately, though, none of you can ever be me, and the world is much poorer for it. But at least there’s me: a shining beacon of everything humanity could be, but isn’t. I hope you all appreciate your good fortune in getting to bask in the presence of someone so great.