One recent night, while lying in bed in the darkness of the wee hours, I felt a strange chill pass over me. Suddenly, I heard a faint wail, and as I sat up in my drowsy, confused state, I saw an otherworldly apparition floating in the room...

Hey, who’s there?!

I am thy father’s spirit, doomed for a certain term to walk the night -

Wait a minute - you look like Ian Curtis, from Joy Division!

If thou didst ever thy dear father love, revenge his foul and most unnatural murder!

Huh? Murder? I thought you hanged yourself.

Gah, that was a joke, mate! It’s Hamlet - don’t you Yanks read anymore? I might be dead, but I haven’t lost my sense of humor.

Well, you never struck me as the funny type to begin with, but whatever. Anyway, what the hell are you doing here?

Arrrggh, I cannot rest in peace! I was rudely awoken from my eternal slumber by the - how shall I say - familiar strains of Interpol, Editors, I Love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness and about 375 other bands with singers that sound like me. Even so, I was willing to let it be. Y’know, it was almost flattering, and at least the music wasn’t completely identical. But then I heard She Wants Revenge...

Oh yeah, hahaha, those dudes are ripping you off hardcore!

You’re telling me, mate! I thought they were just another one of those tribute bands, y’know, like Joy Revision, dressing up like us and playing our songs note-for-note down at the pub every Thursday night for kicks and a few quid. But these twats are actually pretending to be an original band! And they won’t even own up to it. Have you seen their MySpace page? They tried to bury Joy Division in their list of influences, putting it after Sofia Coppola, old Prince and Rosemary’s Baby. Who are they trying to fool?!

Whoa, ghosts check out MySpace, too?

And bah, those song titles - "Out of Control"? "Tear You Apart"?? Are you kidding me? I mean, what’s the singer’s name - Ian Kurtis?

Actually I think it’s that Justin Warfield dude - he’s some failed rapper or DJ or something from California.

Fucking hell! Can it get any more insulting? I wrote songs about alienation and desperation and isolation, not chicks pleasuring themselves in bathrooms. This is horrible! Is this what I’ve been reduced to? Is this what kids these days think I was all about? She Wants Revenge? I want revenge!! They must be stopped!

Why don’t you do some scary ghost shit to ’em, like in one of those Sarah Michelle Gellar movies?

It doesn’t work that way. Best I can do is moan and look dour in my collared shirt or maybe snatch the cables out of their guitar pedals while they’re playing, if I really try. No, it’s up to you to avenge me. You must spread the word about this brazen sham! You must skewer them in print whenever possible! You must shame them into submission! You must -

OK, OK, I get it! I’ll do what I can.

Adieu! Adieu! Remember me! I put my trust in you, in you, in you, in yooou....