Joss Whedon

Dear Joss Whedon:

For years, I’ve thought about writing you a fan letter explaining that I have an appreciation for your work which is second only my devotion to shoes and maybe Diet Coke. I mean, you worked on Toy Story and The Office and Roseanne. I bow down. To do that and also create the wonder that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer? My inner geek is in a tizzy of raging lust. But after last night, Joss, we need to have words.

You see, I recently started dating this guy with whom I should have nothing in common. Except that in the twisted way of the world, we have everything in common. In the last few days, I’ve begun to realize that when he’s not around, I feel strangely hollow. I miss our inside jokes, the way he talks out of the side of his mouth, his smell. There are a million little things about him that make my heart dance. And frankly, it’s getting to be borderline disgusting.

I mean, I am the Queen of Anti-Romance. In my mind, mushy nicknames deserve eye rolls. Hand holding is a Rude and Taunting Act inflicted on single people by the Coupled. And don’t even get me started on the ick that is Valentine’s Day. Loveish stuff has been the enemy for so long that I’ve become bitter and desperately scared of it. Then from left field emerges this great guy who makes me want all that with him? Nightmare! Mega Personal Turmoil!

A few days ago, I had a friend ask me why I was afraid to be happy. The reality is I know why I view relationships as my poison and Pre-Him, I was truly content with the status quo. Yet, for weeks, I’ve been trying to reconcile myself to the reality of this guy, this relationship and how in some way, it has all become enormously special to me. Trying to accept that, in light of my War on Love stance, has been tearing me apart. In the interest of self-preservation, my subconscious had decided I was going to shortly push him out of my life. Not now, but soon.

Fast forward to last night, where I was attempting to make Mac and Cheese from the box (and that can be logged under Act of Devotion, since I have trouble boiling water, let alone actually mixing ingredients). He was downloading the soundtrack to Dr. Horrible and had cranked up the Theme. As I stood watching the water and wondering what genetic curse precludes me from successfully cooking anything, he told me he thinks about me every time he hears Freeze Ray. I responded that made no sense but if that was the case, then it bordered on Sort of Insulting; that Freeze Ray is not exactly the anthem one should pick to declare eternal adoration; that it was from a freaking musical; that it’s not nearly Lloyd Dobler enough. Freeze Ray began to play just as he came into the kitchen. He looked at me and said to listen Really Hard.

I think The Moment was here:

I just think you need time to know

That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to my will
And we’ll make time stand still

I had a Big Girl Breakdown, in all its tissue mandating glory. Within moments, I was totally Fetal in my bed and didn’t come out until morning. As I left for work today, I saw my iPod sitting on top of my purse. When I went to bed, it was in my bag. Clearly, he’d found it and downloaded Freeze Ray.

All the way to the Metro and on the train, I wouldn’t play the song. Somehow, it was everything that I would not let him say out loud. It was a Declaration of sorts. This relationship was suddenly much too real and if I even began to process any of it, Water Works would resurrect. Emotionally Stunted Me just couldn’t deal. Avoidance was easier, tried, and true.

As I exited the Metro Station, I happened to glimpse two people holding hands. Epiphany, meet Katherine. In that second, I just got it. I knew I could handle everything with him and live to tell the tale, no matter what. And I was OK with the big question mark of the future. Life might want to this to simply be a fling, it may just be a great few months, or it could be so much more. I don’t know yet. Regardless, I’ve realized this is the relationship that’ll give me back my heart. But only if I will let it. I also was certain that if I don’t experience every moment Life gives me with him, I will forever be lesser. Plus, I would become a Bitter Old Hag and nobody wants that. So, I got out my iPod and started to go Grinch with my heart.

I guess I just want to say, I blame you, Joss Whedon. You and your evil little Freeze Ray song. It’s pushing me back into Feeling Land. I don’t know if I should hate you or Godify you.

But either way, thank you.

Katherine