Nathan Fillion

So here’s the sitch.

A month or so ago I ran a list of my "25 Favorite TV Characters of All Time" and I didn’t put everyone’s favorite sci-fi cowboy, Malcolm Reynolds, on my list.

As the man who played Malcolm Reynolds, Nathan Fillion, was also the star of my film SLiTHER, and a good friend, there were some who considered this kinda like an act of genocide. The Browncoats — the hardcore fans of Nathan, Firefly, and Serenity — thought I genocided poor ol’ Nate. And they didn’t let me hear the end of it. I received hundreds of emails protesting the omission and asking that I reconsider.

Let me state, as I have in the past, that this didn’t bother me. It was actually quite a blast, and almost all of the Browncoats represented themselves quite well, were funny, and polite, and I had a nice time conversing with them.

But now I have a bone to pick with you guys. You gave me loads of shit for leaving Nathan off a list that didn’t really matter to anyone, but you’ve ignored that, over the past few weeks, I’ve completely neglected Nathan when it comes to the Fangoria Chainsaw Awards.

That’s right. I’ve talked loads about the "Highest Body Count" award, and I’ve endlessly pimped out "Relationship from Hell" for Rooker and Elizabeth. But I’ve barely even mentioned Nathan, who’s up for "Dude You Don’t Wanna Mess With," and who so clearly deserves it over his namby-pamby half-men fellow nominees. Well, okay, Sam Jackson isn’t a half-man. But he’s not nearly as good in SNAKES as Nathan is in SLiTHER. And I worked out with him once, and, to be frank, he’s a bit Segal-istic in the way he hides his chubsterness. I could definitely outrun his ass, so he is a dude that I, conceivably, could mess with. But Nathan? He’d chase me down and rape me so hard I’d be impregnated with little Reaver-man-babies (no, I don’t know what that last sentence means...)

You Browncoats ought to be talking about assassinating me for this callous oversight. You should be taking me out with your replica of the Jayne gun prop that you’ve spent countless hours retooling to shoot actual bullets. You ought to kidnap me, strap me down, and squat over me, pinching off a couple of Browncoat Jr.’s onto my face. You ought to be sending me eight hundred thousand emails a day embedded with a virus that will turn all seven thousand of my iTunes songs into the Firefly theme.

But no. You haven’t made a peep. Maybe a blip on Whedonesque on a weekend, and it didn’t even mention what a prick I am for hardly mentioning poor Nate. I’ve abused him from my neglect and yet... nothin’.

So this here be a rallying cry.

Firstly, I want you to go to http://fuse.tv/chainsaw and vote endlessly and repeatedly for good Fillion. He could possibly win this award, but it’s all up to you.

Secondly, if I forget about Nathan again, send me your complaints. Don’t let me forget about it. I’ve been bad, and I need to be spanked. Hopefully by someone in an Inara Serra costume.

And, thirdly, listen to Nathan this Friday Night, September 22, on Fangoria Radio — that’s on Sirius Satellite Radio, channel 102. He’ll be on at 7:30 Western, 10:30 Eastern, and You-Figure-It-Out Everywhere Else (also, the show will repeat directly after it’s over, meaning he’ll be on all those places 3 hours after that). He’ll be chatting with Dee, Debbie, and Co about the Chainsaw Awards, and, probably, his undying and torturous sexual attraction to me.