Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Hello, fans of blood, gore, and general yuckiness, and welcome to another installment of the column that, like the Spike TV hit Deadliest Warrior, pits famous warriors against each other. (But in our case, we match famous fantasy warriors!)

Last time we checked in to see who would win in a fight between an Uruk-hai and a Skeleton Warrior. The result? A complete bonebath as the Uruk stood victorious.

This week we turn our attention to a grudge match that has been going on for a while among aficionados of the undead. Vampires are, of course, a force to be reckoned with, and while the general rules tend to be the same — drink human blood, killed by sunlight — the details changedepending on which pack of blood-drinkers you’re dealing with.

For example, according to vampire journalist Anne Rice, vampires have no aversion to crucifixes at all, whereas in the laws explained to us by student of the undead Joss Whedon, if a cross touches a vampire, said vamp will sizzle and burn, and eventually die.

We’ve brought in two experts to shed more light onto the situation. Up first, we have Azriel LeFeau, a resident of New Orleans and follower of the creatures of the night.

“The thing to remember about vampires,” moans Azriel, “is that they are here, walking among us, seeing our world with supernatural eyes and longing to be part of it, and yet they can never be so. Their greatest gift is their greatest tragedy. And that, my friend, that is their beauty.”

He wipes a tear from his eye, smearing his Midnight Black Eyeliner.

“You think you know what it is to feel? You can never know truly what a feeling is until you’ve been given the Dark Gift.”

Uh-huh. But what about taking on a Sunnydale vamp?

“It’s simple. The vampires in California are weak, but even worse, they’re ugly. What’s with their faces? That squished skin thing above their eyes? Ew. Vampires should be beautiful. Plus, Sunnydale vampires have too much fun. They should understand that life is nothing but pain.”

Moving on, we now take a closer look at said squished-skinned vampires. Joining us for this exercise is Adriana Van Salazar, a personal trainer and martial arts instructor living in Sunnydale, California.

“Okay, the thing about the vampires we have here is that they are kick-ass. No matter what they were in life, they inevitably learn a style of martial arts known as Vamp Fu. It’s a lot of jumping and spin-kicking. Professional stunt people wish they could move like that. Now, from what I understand, their social behavior is similar to that of the vampires in New Orleans, in that younger vamps act as drones, more or less, for older, more powerful vamps. There’s just one noticeable difference.”

Which is?

“The New Orleans vampires are pussies.”

So you’re hedging your bets on the Sunnydale vampires, then?

“No contest. They would cream those N’Arleans bloodsuckers.”

“Impossible!” Azriel shouts. “Those brainless Californian vampires could destroy the likes of Lestat de Lioncourt?!”

“Well, not just any one of them could. The newer ones would probably be get a beat down, but if you’re talking about someone like Spike or Angel … hell, even Drusilla, then yeah.”

“But, but..” Azriel sputters, “do they know how to feel?”

Adriana’s retort? “Yo, seriously, where did you find this kid?”

We took all of the info and fed it into the battle simulation computer. On paper, the New Orleans vampires seem more formidable: they are unaffected by garlic, crosses, and stakes through the heart. They can control the minds of mortals and read their thoughts, and with age many are able to fly. They have exceptional physical strength and speed and can mimic any physical action. Some can even set things on fire using only their mind. Many are telekinetic.

The Sunnydale vampires, on the other hand, are prey to almost all the classic vampire-killing methods: stakes, crosses, holy water, beheading, etc. Their mind powers are pretty much nil.

The result?

New Orleans vampires win in 95% of our battle simulations.

“Shenanigans!” Adriana yells.

Azriel, in a surprisingly upbeat motion, jumps up and down giddily. “See? I told you! Not so tough now, are — ”

He is unable to finish his sentence and Adriana spin-kicks him in the face.

Join us next time for the third installment of Deadliest FANTASY Warrior!