Firefly

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Admits to Canceling Firefly, Expresses Regret

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA- According to his signed confession released this past week, purported 9/11 mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has admitted to a great number of heinous crimes in the name of Al Qaeda including hijackings, bombings, and murders. Most shocking was the admission that Mohammed had infiltrated the American media by becoming a high-ranking executive for Fox Television and was directly responsible for the devastating 2002 cancellation of Joss Whedon’s Firefly after just a few episodes.

Fox Television, sister company to Fox News Channel, has vehemently denied ever employing the infamous terrorist, but anonymous sources at the network report seeing his name on a variety of emails and memos during that period.

"I never saw him," says our source, "but I have to admit I liked the guy. He was so ruthless, so affably callous, that he fit right in."

The mass murderer and Ron Jeremy look-alike now says that he performed his Fox duties by email and fax from his spider hole in Rawalpindi, Pakistan, until he was captured in the spring of 2003. When he issued the order to axe the show, no one seemed questioned it or defended the show in any way. He quickly came to the conclusion that at Fox, canceling fledgeling programming is just too easy.

Looking back, he says that it was at this point that he began to feel remorse, fearing that perhaps his destroy America from the inside had destroyed him instead. He was becoming one of them. He was a terrorist, cold-blooded murderer of thousands, but at least he was not a Fox executive at heart.

Mohammed vowed to himself that, although he would continue to endeavor to kill many thousands of Americans, wading hip-deep into the entertainment industry was just too dear a price to pay for the cause of destroying the Great Satan from within.

With the aid of his court-appointed representative, Mohammed expressed deep regret over his actions regarding the troubled sci fi program.

"At first I thought it would be funny to air the episodes out order, and none of the other executives objected," he said. "After watching the shows on DVD as they were meant to be seen, I finally ’get’ the UST between Mal and Inara- a meta plot that died so young and fragile like a strangled baby bird. I feel awful about the whole thing."

While the national news media scratches their heads over the litany of confessions, fans of the show don’t seem surprised at all over the revelation. Immediately after it left the air, barely a year after 9/11, conspiracy theories abounded over how such a thing could happen. On the Internet, fans blamed everything from terrorism to satanic cults- anything but low ratings. Many of them seem to believe that the cancellation was all a hoax and that episodes are still being produced and shown on a secret network only available to high-level members of the Illuminati, though there has never been any evidence supporting this.

The truth began to congeal after fans discovered this cryptic post on the fireflyfans.net message board earlier this year:

As it stands, the confessed Al Qaeda planner is likely to stand trial in the coming months. Depending on the outcome, he could be looking at a death sentence, life in prison, or a development deal with Mirimax.

"At the time I told myself it was all for the greater glory of Alah," Mohammed recalled, "but in the end it just seemed like I was doing it for the glory of me. I am deeply ashamed of what I did to that poor defenseless television program."