Buffy The Vampire Slayer

By Lauren Dougherty (laurendougherty@xfan.cjb.net) and Anthony Zisa (aczisa@xfan.cjb.net)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Lost Scene

EXT. SUNNYDALE CEMETERY

Angel and Buffy stare at one another.

ANGEL So, Spike, huh?

BUFFY Angel, it’s not…

ANGEL No, I’m okay. I just… I don’t know… Isn’t he a little… short?

BUFFY Pardon?

ANGEL Well, I always thought you liked taller guys. Like Riley. I mean, what do you see in him? (considers) Don’t answer that.

BUFFY Angel, it’s not…

ANGEL Were you more attracted to me when I was evil? Is that the attraction?

BUFFY Spike’s not evil. Well, not anymore, at least. He…

AUDIENCE "…has a soul," yeah, we know already!

BUFFY …

ANGEL …

They look around, find nothing, and shrug.

BUFFY He’s different. Besides, didn’t you have a son by Darla?

ANGEL Touché. She had a soul, too, you know.

BUFFY Oh, really? Is there, like, just a shop you can buy these things in?

ANGEL Apparently. It’s not just the evil thing, anyway. It’s just… it’s Spike, you know?

BUFFY Okay. I see your point. I sort of felt the same back in high school when Cordelia would hit on you.

ANGEL Oh. Heh. I… see…

BUFFY (annoyed) Wait. (realization dawning) You didn’t.

ANGEL Not quite in so many words.

BUFFY Cordelia?

ANGEL Not exactly…

BUFFY (spitting) And I kissed you?

FAITH Come on, B. Cordelia’s not all that bad. If you ignore her being evil and all.

BUFFY What are you doing here?

FAITH Like I’d miss this reunion for the world.

BUFFY Wait, Cordelia was evil?

ANGEL Not so much…

FAITH She was totally evil, B. Big Bad down in LA and all that jazz.

BUFFY This is TOO perfect.

ANGEL Look, she wasn’t evil, okay? She was just possessed by an ancient evil who has been manipulating events in my life and the lives of my friends for the past four seasons in order to be birthed into the world in order to subjugate the entirety of the human race. These things happen.

Faith and Buffy just look at him.

ANGEL I’d give anything to go back to the days when "evil lawyers" would explain everything.

FAITH Besides, B, you shouldn’t be laying a guilt trip out on Angel. The way Willow was telling it, you were making with the two timing on Spike, anyway. Not that Principal Wood isn’t one fine specimen of man, though…

ANGEL Now THIS is too perfect.

BUFFY It was only dinner! Besides, it was… work-related.

FAITH You keep telling yourself that, B.

Spike enters the cemetery.

SPIKE Ahh ha! Caught in the act! And badly coiffed, if I do say so myself.

ANGEL I’ve had enough. As if you’re one to criticize anyone’s hair.

SPIKE Excuse me, mate?

ANGEL Ring, ring. Hey, pot. It’s kettle. You’re black.

SPIKE Oh, that is it.

They tussle.

FAITH Umm, B? Aren’t you going to, I dunno, stop them or something?

BUFFY (distractedly) Of course. In a minute. This is way better than in the dreams.

FAITH Sister’s disturbed! (considers) Though she does have a point.

Principal Wood enters.

WOOD Kick his ass, Angel!

BUFFY What are you doing here?

WOOD Faith told me your old boyfriend who hates Spike and would love nothing more than to drive a sharp piece of wood through his unbeating heart was going to be meeting with you and Spike. I thought it might be fun to watch, as I detest Spike who killed my Slayer mother back in the Seventies.

BUFFY Faith!

FAITH Hey, I’ve been in prison for the past three seasons. This passes for a date there.

Giles, Xander, Willow, and Dawn enter.

XANDER So, I’m torn. You don’t suppose they could both end up in an urn here, could they?

BUFFY Faith, did you tell EVERYONE?

FAITH I swear it wasn’t me.

GILES Robin mentioned it in passing.

BUFFY Robin?

GILES Oh, silly me. I forgot we refer to authority figures solely by their last name on this show. Wood.

XANDER Heh. Wood.

GILES Pardon?

XANDER Nothing. I just got this season’s running joke.

GILES Anyway, continue on as if we’re not even here. Lord knows the soap opera that is your love life is far more important than mankind’s salvation.

XANDER I told you that you could stay home and watch the Potentials.

GILES Sod off and die.

WOOD So, let me get this straight. Angel used to be a killer, as did Spike. Yet, Buffy has been in love with them both. In addition, Faith, Willow, Anya, and Andrew have all killed humans in the past.

GILES Don’t forget me.

WOOD Jesus, Buffy. Is there anyone you’re friends with that hasn’t killed someone?

BUFFY There’s Xander.

XANDER Actually, Buffy…

BUFFY Xander!

XANDER Well, it was just the one time. Everyone else was doing it!

DAWN Umm, Buffy? While we’re all true confessions, remember when I went down to LA last summer to visit Dad?

BUFFY Dad? You mean the one in the long line of untrustworthy father figures we’ve encountered in the past seven years?

DAWN That’s the one. Well, I stopped by Angel’s, to see how everyone was doing, and… I sort of slept with Connor.

BUFFY You had sex with Angel’s son?!?

ANGEL (throwing Spike off him) WHAT?

AUDIENCE Oh, glorious irony!

BUFFY Did he turn evil?

SPIKE Did he have bad hair?

ANGEL Did he sink you to the bottom of the ocean in revenge for his perception that you killed the man who he considered his father after being raised in a hell dimension, aging him sixteen to seventeen years in the space of one half a season in order to appeal to a younger, female demographic?

DAWN No, no, and… no. He was very sweet.

ANGEL Wait, shouldn’t you have all forgotten this after my deal with Wolfram and Hart took effect, effectively eradicating the memory of Connor from the world’s collective memory?

DAWN You don’t forget a night with one of Clan Angel.

BUFFY You speak true, my sister.

SPIKE Oh, bloody hell!

ANGEL You know, everyone knowing about Connor is really screwing with my ability to be the lone bearer of harsh memories of better times. Doesn’t anyone think of my sacrifices? Like when I decided to take on the burden of being the only one to remember I became human a few years ago?

BUFFY You were human?

ANGEL Umm… no…?

XANDER Does anyone else wish we could all just go back to high school, when things were simpler and ninety percent of the cast weren’t killers, and our love lives didn’t resemble "All My Children."

They all contemplate.

AUDIENCE Not a chance in hell. Growth, change, choices, these are what life is about. The show grew, changed, and the writers made choices, but it was damned good television all the way through. Good-bye to you all, and to what was often the best show on television.

TARA’S GHOST Wait, I have something to say!

WILLOW Baby? What did you come back to say?

TARA Dude, Kennedy sucks.

WILLOW Ah-ha! It’s the First Evil, cleverly disguised as my slain lesbian ex-lover!

AUDIENCE No, dude, it’s Tara. Kennedy did suck.

---

All characters ™ and © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved. The preceding article was a work of fiction, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All parody of public figures protected under Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988), and is intended to be comic, not malicious.

Lauren Dougherty thinks that Spike’s accent is hot even though she knows James Marsters is from Southern California and has no actual accent. In her mind he’s from London and that’s all that matters.

Anthony Zisa actually liked both Kennedy and her infamous tongue-stud.