Sri Lanka 231; England 139-5

Preamble: Hello, and welcome to another episode of One Man And His Rubber Wrist. It’s Murali and his rubber wrist v England today, only this time the odds might be somewhere close to even. Meanwhile, here’s a question: am I the only person in the world who finds the football commentaries that are spliced into Pop Will Eat Itself’s Cicciolina vaguely orgiastic, especially Barry Davies shrieking "beautiful play"?.

The cricket bit England resume on 53 for 2, in reply to Sri Lanka’s typically below-par 231, and a lot depends on Messrs Chalk and Cheese at the crease overnight, Ali (no man who spells his first name thus deserves to be good at anything, and if you don’t believe me buy UB40’s greatest hits) Cook and Kevin Pietersen, because below them there isn’t an awful lot: Paul Collingwood and Geraint Jones are in scratchy form, the tail is hopeless, and that leaves just Andrew Flintoff.

Article continues I don’t know much about the pitch, because I saw not a ball yesterday, but on the assumption it will break up - and given the jitters England showed chasing 70-odd last Sunday - they will want a lead of at least 100 to act as insurance against facing Murali in the fourth innings. And yet, perusing my daily rags on the way in this morning, the assumption is that England are in complete control. I’m not sure why, but then I’m not entirely sure what day it is, despite listening to De La Soul, Sparklehorse, Suede and Whigfield on the way in, so there you go.

The pitch may be an absolute belter but, to coin a phrase someone else coined about eight years ago, Murali could turn it on the A1. He’s not the Welsh Love Dragon, Robert Croft, who needed a minefield to get some turn. Ok, so that was shamelessly contrived because someone bet that the phrase ’Welsh Love Dragon’ could not appear in today’s OBO, but the point remains valid.

Another question Is it cowardly to pray for one of the builders who are making all sorts of noise and generally doing my head in to fall off their ladder and do themselves a mischief? Not a fatal one, you understand, just a shattered pelvis or something similarly harmless.

19th over: England 55-2 (Cook 13, Pietersen 6) Here we go, then, on a gloriously sunny morning at Trent Bridge, and Cook dabs Malinga away for a single off the first ball of the day. I can see him getting a ton today; it was written in the Chimay foam last night. Then Pietersen limbo dances, Robin Smith-style, out of the way of a good bouncer from Malinga. Apparently the groundsman reckons his pitch will be an absolute belter today, but then, as a bad loser once said, everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home. "Attractive ladies with large...," whispers a doe-eyed colleague on the other side of the desk. I think the wrestling’s on.

20th over: England 58-2 (Cook 15, Pietersen 7) No bombast as yet from Pietersen, whose early quietude oozes an intimidating purpose. Three off Vaas’s over, in which Sangakkara stood up to the stumps. "Quite agree on the state of play: we could easily end up getting mugged here and thoroughly regretting the fiasco at Lord’s," says Thomas Hopkins. "Anyway, have you checked out Wintersleep yet. Any thoughts?" Is that a band? A film? A cheese? A state of mind?

21st over: England 59-2 (Cook 16, Pietersen 7) Lively stuff from Malinga, who beats Cook with a cracker that zips between the inside edge and off stump. "I have a posh meal to go to at eight with my doris and some of her friends, I am also meant to be watching the football at the Oak (Headingley, Leeds) this afternoon with some lads," says David Turner. "I am worried that I will not be fit for purpose come the evening... Strategies?" Just ask yourself: What Would Your Nearish Namesake Tyler Durden Do? You’re going to get blasted and make a fool of yourself, aren’t you?

22th over: England 64-2 (Cook 17, Pietersen 11) There’s a perception that Cook can be done by some left-arm inswing, as his head does lurch across off stump a bit. Vaas is trying to set him up, but no dice so far. Later in the over, Pietersen just smears Vaas through the off side for four - brutal stuff. "Seeing as how the KP versus Chuck Norris discussion did so well last weekend, can I suggest that this weekend we discuss cocktails, and which cricketers like which cocktails?" says Matthew Sackman. "I think Freddy is a Dry Martini kinda guy and Hoggard is into Harvey Wallbangers. Geraint must be into Long Island Ice Teas. Any others?"

23rd over: England 69-2 (Cook 21, Pietersen 11) Nasser Hussain uses the phrase "come to the party" for the first time today, and Cook pings Malinga very sweetly through extra cover for his first boundary of the day. "Sorry Rob, thought you had your finger on the pulse," miaows Thomas Hopkins. "Wintersleep are a Canadian band." So are Barenaked Ladies. Next! "Not quite up there with Arcade Fire but Home and Ambulance are well worth your 79p on iTunes." I shall investigate with no considerable haste.

24th over: England 73-2 (Cook 24, Pietersen 12) Vaas’s field to Cook is interesting - keeper up, silly mid-off, and two men close in on the leg side in case he reaches around his front pad to the inswinger. Instead he gets a short ball on off stump and eases it away for three. He’s so genteel at the crease; he never plays a shot of note and then suddenly he’s got 70. "How bad are the new Popworld presenters?" ask about four different people in an identical email that may be some hilarious headflip, although the joke will be on them when the weird voodoo flip kicks in. "Does anyone know of a decent pub in SE1 to watch the cricket in?" Pub, pub, pub, booze, yada, yada, whatever.

WICKET! England 73-3 (Cook b Malinga 24) I told you Cook would get a cent- Gah! Sri Lanka have started really sharply today and they deserve this wicket: it was zippy and in the slot from Malinga and Cook, attempting to drive, just dragged it back onto his leg stump. He was done for pace, if anything.

25th over: England 77-3 (Pietersen 12, Collingwood 0) Big innings this for Paul Collingwood, who along with Andrew Strauss is really under pressure for his place. Or should be, anyway. And he very nearly goes for a duck! It was an inswinger from Malinga and Darrell Hair decided that, like a wino’s discharge, it was slipping down leg. Then another big shout for lbw next ball - only an inside edge saved Collingwood. "Re: the preamble - I thought I was the only person left who remembered PWEI, but no Rob, you’re not," says Mirandajollie, who writes his/her/its name as one word so I’ve no idea where the break is. Mira Ndajollie?

26th over: England 78-3 (Pietersen 13, Collingwood 0) Some absolute nugget, behind the bowler’s arm, takes an age to move. "I assume I am far from the first to suggest Warney prefers a Long Hard Screw Against The Wall," says Ian Forth. "That hits the spot!" Wouldn’t he prefer the summer drink of choice, a Hilarious Oversized Inflatable, Two Blondes And Some Grainy Pictures In The News Of The Screws?

27th over: England 81-3 (Pietersen 16, Collingwood 0) A superb bouncer from Malinga, gunbarrel straight and skidding on, puts Collingwood on his backside. He did pretty well not to fall on his stumps there, in fairness. The captain Jayawardene has really freed his mind this morning - there have been lots of unusual field placings, plus some sensible ones like a cover sweeper for Pietersen. Anyone out there? Anyone got any exciting "riffs"? Let’s get riffing. "On cocktails, Kevin Pietersen would probably go for a Bloody Mary," says Matt Kwan. "Shane Warne would want to have Sex on the Beach." It’s nothing if not original, folks.

28th over: England 85-3 (Pietersen 18, Collingwood 2) No Murali yet, and no need - these two have bowled excellently in this Sri Lankan heat, although they will surely need a break soon. "Ronnie Mars is really good," says Tim Read, preaching to the kvire. "Keep watching til the end of season 2, it really is darker than its sugary surface appears." Exactly - that’s half the appeal. It’s a warbling dwarf away from David Lynch territory. Possibly.

29th over: England 91-3 (Pietersen 22, Collingwood 3) In the commentary box, someone lets rip a really filthy, grubby snigger after some lame joke about an Andy Caddick lookalike. And then, for the first time, Pietersen twitches and tries to belabour Malinga back down the ground. The lack of the oxygen of runs has finally started to take effect, and from the next ball Pietersen loops an excellent bouncer dangerously close to gully. And then he blasts the next ball agonisingly short of Murali, diving forward at mid-off. "Hi Rob. Thanks for the name-checking in your criket blog, it’s caused us much amusement over the past few days!!," write The Long Blondes with such elan that you can almost smell the perfume on the inbox. The Long Blondes! Who can’t spell cricket! The Long Blondes!

30th over: England 91-3 (Pietersen 22, Collingwood 3) It is Murali for Vaas, and a loosener of a maiden to Collingwood. "Pietersen’s favourite cocktail would be called a ’Kevin Pietersen’," chuckles Tom Adams. "And would be Castle lager and WKD, probably."

31st over: England 93-3 (Pietersen 23, Collingwood 3) A truly preposterous shot from Pietersen, trying to smear a Malinga bouncer into Nottingham’s trendy Heavenly Social bar, ends with an inside-edge that bounces through to Sangakarra. Mentally, he’s gone now, and the drinks break might come at a decent time. As someone once said, not remotely amusingly, calm down."Veronica Mars," says Claire McDowall. "As Joss Whedon said himself, "BEST. SHOW. EVER.". ’Nuff said, non?" Any show that begins its pilot with "I’m never getting married" is good enough for me.

32nd over: England 101-3 (Pietersen 30, Collingwood 4) Pietersen, on the charge, scythes Murali airily through the vacant point region (there’s nobody from mid-off to the keeper) for two. Mentally, he’s bolted now - but that might not be a bad thing: later in the over he charges and drives quite classically through mid-off for four. Hold on to your hats/bald patches, folks. "Give The Long Blondes some slack - they’re probably drunk," says Matt Kwan. "People don’t tend to operate keys of any description very well when drunk. I know a girl who got drunk and accidentally changed her mobile phone language to Swedish." At least she didn’t drink and dial, a popular activity that’s guaranteed to wreck your love/social life in one hit.

33rd over: England 103-3 (Pietersen 30, Collingwood 5) The indefatigable Malinga almost slides a yorker through Collingwood. Insert your own ’not literally’ gag (sic) here. "I notice the Long Blondes use lots of exclamation marks," says Gavin Monks. "Is it me or is that a bit uncool?" We’ll let them off!!!!

34th over: England 103-3 (Pietersen 30, Collingwood 5) Jayasuriya, a deceptively dangerous little left-arm spin bowler, comes on for Murali, who will presumably change ends. A maiden to Collingwood, who has hurried along to 5 off just 844 deliveries. "Who do you think is the ugliest member of the England Test team?" says part-time supermodel Tom van der Gucht. "My money’s on Jon Lewis - he looks like a slimmed down version of that big bloke with the funny ears from The Goonies."

35th over: England 110-3 (Pietersen 34, Collingwood 8) Murali does switch ends, and both batsmen squeeze him into the huge gap behind square on the off side for three. "What’s so good about Veronica Mars?" says Matt Kwan. "A show about a high-school student who works part-time as a private investigator in her deposed-sheriff-father’s firm and (bizarrely) hangs out with criminal elements is ridiculous!" And, of course, the concept of a Prozac-popping mob boss is entirely normal. Next!

36th over: England 111-3 (Pietersen 35, Collingwood 8) Quiet over from Jayasuriya to Pietersen.

WICKET! England 117-4 (Pietersen c Jayawardene b Muralitharan 41) Told you Pietersen had gone mentally. Three balls after slog-sweeping gloriously for six, he top-edges a sweep to leg slip, and the giddy, almost disbelieving celebrations of Sri Lanka (the team, not the whole country) show how massive a wicket that is.

37th over: England 118-4 (Collingwood 8, Flintoff 1) Oof! Flintoff, pushing with hard hands, inside edges Murali just wide of the jackknifing Tharanga at short leg. Sri Lanka are on top here, and the unthinkable - a 1-1 series scoreline - is looking ominously possible.

WICKET! England 118-5 (Flintoff c Jayawardene b Jayasuriya 1) England are all over the place! That was a rank, lolloping long hop from Jayasuriya and Flintoff, carving off the back foot, sliced to slip where Jayawardene held a really smart chance. That was great sport, and great TV - the game was just ambling along, with nobody really paying attention, when suddenly the ground was reduced to absolute silence and Mike Atherton, mid sentence, simply exclaimed: "Oh no!"

38th over: England 118-5 (Collingwood 8, Jones 0) In so many ways, this game resembles the final Test in New Zealand in 1997, when England, 1-0 up, bungled their first innings on a blameless pitch and only got out of jail by chasing over 300 in the second innings. They may have to do the same here. "Matt Kwan is clearly wrong," says Sarah Hughes. "Veronica Mars is excellent and filthy; it has the line ’they gave you a trophy for a rim job’ uttered by a small blonde. That’s good TV." No arguments here, although I shudder to think what your definition of bad TV would be.

39th over: England 120-5 (Collingwood 9, Jones 1) All of a sudden this game has turned very nasty, very quickly for England. Hitchcock would be loving it. They just need to get to lunch - 20 minutes to go - and then bat sensibly after. These two regrouped superbly in last year’s NatWest Series final, and that’s the precedent they will hope to follow. The trouble is that England need more than par; they need a 100-run lead really.

40th over: England 123-5 (Collingwood 9, Jones 4) "I’ve not seen Veronica Mars, what’s the appeal?" says Thomas Hopkins. "I’m thinking Buffy clone (not necessarily a bad thing). Am I wrong?" No, Walter, you’re not wrong, you’re just an a... erm, yes, well it has a great soundtrack, a very dry wit, some half-decent detective stories, and a subtle fusion of an infectious, pearly-white cheeryness and a genuinely dark edge, and of course it has that whole teen thing that makes you feel young and postpones the fact you’re not and never will be again.

41st over: England 124-5 (Collingwood 9, Jones 5) Murali, unlike Donny in the Big Lebowski, is in his element here - two short legs, a slip, wrist whirring violently, every defensive stroke from the batsman greeted with an excitable cry that says ’I’ll have you soon’, back to his mark and ready to go again in seconds. Brilliant theatre.

42nd over: England 128-5 (Collingwood 9, Jones 9) Vaas returns for Jayasuriya, and Jones, who has looked nice and assertive thus far, punches him really pleasantly through the covers for four. "Talking of genius drama series, what about ’Deadwood’?" offers Martin Basterfield. "Lovejoy meets Bonanza, it just writes itself!" The girl who plays Veronica Mars is in that as well. Fact.

43rd over: England 133-5 (Collingwood 13, Jones 10) Collingwood works Murali to leg for three; nice shot.

44th over: England 133-5 (Collingwood 13, Jones 10) Vaas runs back to his mark in that maiden so that there will be time for Murali to have another over before lunch. And now effing Willow and Numpty are easing our nails down a chalkboard with a lesson about about reverse swing, and I genuinely want to die.

45th over: England 139-5 (Collingwood 14, Jones 15) Two huge appeals turned down in that Murali over - the second one looked like a very good bat-pad shout against Jones - and that’s lunch. It’s been a poor morning for England, but credit must go to Sri Lanka for a zesty, brainy display. Kevin Pietersen got himself out just when he was set, Andrew Flintoff had an aberration in the next over, but Paul Collingwood dug in adhesively and he and Geraint Jones will hope to earn England a lead in the afternoon. Thanks for your emails and the like. Rob.