Angel

Sweeping up

LET’S SEE, we’ve got expensive TV movies, series and season finales and lots and lots of guest stars on your favorite shows: It smells like sweeps time again.

Actually, May sweeps officially kicks off on Friday. Leave it to TV execs to start May sweeps in April. Eh, what should I expect from the people who bill "Whoopi" as a comedy?

Yeah, so, let’s get to it — a network-by-network breakdown of some of what you can expect for May sweeps.

ABC

 Will the quarterback score in the finale of "The Bachelor" on May 19? Does anyone care?

 You didn’t think ABC would let sweeps go by without making viewers overdose on Regis Philbin, did you? "Super Millionaire" returns as a five-night "special" starting May 16.

CBS

 The winner of "Survivor: All-Stars" will be crowned in a two-hour finale on May 9, followed by the reunion show where all 18 castaways will talk about how much they hate the Robfather.

 Jeremy Davies plays Charles Manson in the three-hour TV movie "Helter Skelter" on May 16. I’m surprised CBS didn’t call it "CSI: Helter Skelter."

 Hey, speaking of "CSI," CBS sets up yet another spinoff in the May 17 episode of "CSI: Miami." The Miami crew head to New York to, errrr, investigate a crime scene or something, and end up working with NY CSIs Gary Sinise, Melina Kanakaredes and Hill Harper, all of whom will star in "CSI: New York." I predict that in two more years we will see "CSI: Law & Order."

Fox

 "American Idol" — The final two (right now my predictions are LaToya London and Fantasia Barrino) go head-to-head at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood on May 25. The results will be revealed in a two-hour finale on May 26 that I’m sure Fox will absolutely not promote. Of course, if you believe that, then you probably watch a lot of PBS or (gasp) read books.

NBC

 After 10 seasons filled with laughter, tears, guest stars and trend-setting haircuts, we have to say goodbye to our "Friends." Not exactly known for understatement, NBC plans to milk the May 6 finale for all it’s worth. There will be an hour-long retrospective at 8 p.m., followed by the hour-long series finale at 9 p.m. Of course, the best thing about "Friends" finally moving on is we don’t have to sit through anymore of NBC’s annoying promos, which make it sound like the end of "Friends" is the end of the world.

 Oh wait, maybe it is the end of the world. Well, it is in the two-night miniseries "10.5," airing May 2 and 3 at 9 p.m. A massive earthquake rocks the nation, causing faultlines to shift, which results in the West Coast sliding into the ocean. Oh puh-leaze. Most of the country wants California to go away anyway.

 Poor "Frasier." So underappreciated. "Frasier," why can’t you be more like "Friends?" Yeah, sure, you won the Emmy for Best Comedy Series five years in row, but what have you done for NBC lately? Ladies and gentlemen, I present "Frasier" — the Jan Brady of NBC. The peacock network finally kicks "Frasier" a little respect with a one-hour retrospective and hour-long series finale on Thursday, May 13.

UPN

 Here’s a series finale you probably didn’t hear about: "The Parkers." After five years, Stevie and T graduate from college and wedding bells ring for Nikki and Johnnie on May 10. Well, they might ring. You see, in true sweeps fashion, it’s only now that Nikki is getting hitched that the Professor realizes he’s in love with her. You think he’s gonna stop the wedding? Did UPN have a show called "The Mullets?" Ummm, the answer is yes.

 Proving that it’s just like the bigger networks when it comes to taking a hit show and milking it for all it’s worth, UPN brings out "America’s Next Top Model: The Runway Ahead" on May 11. The special catches up with winner Yoanna House and the 11 hotties that didn’t make the cut.

The WB

 Right now, the "Angel" episode airing May 19 is still a series finale, but fans haven’t given up yet. There are many Web sites — like savingangel.com and saveangel.org — that are trying desperately to, well, save "Angel." So far, it’s not working but rumors are circulating that The WB has approached creator Joss Whedon about doing a series of "Angel" and/or "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" TV movies. As for the finale, some people are gonna die as Angel and the gang do battle against the senior partners. All I know is they better not kill off Spike, because "Buffy" already did that in its series finale.