Sarah Michelle Gellar

With the release of the slasher flick HOUSE OF WAX, I thought I would make a top ten list out of the one thing that annoys me the most while watching one of these movies; the brainless and helpless girls that inhabit them. Granted, if you’re watching these movies at home with your friends, and playing drinking games with rules such as: Take two shots if a girl is running away from a killer without a top, or take 3 shots if a girl trips on her stilettos and twists her ankle, then watching these girls can be quite fun.

But, if you paid a lot of money to see one of these movies in a theatre, and you’re sitting there sober, appalled, and ashamed of your gender, then watching these girls are not so fun. Now I’m sure there are plenty more girls I could have chosen for this list, (In this genre they’re a dime a dozen) but these are the few that caused me to say, “What are you f*cking crazy?!!!”

*** Beware of spoilers and enjoy! ***

10. Mya / Cursed

It is still early in the year for picking out helpless victims of 2005, (I’m sure if I’ve seen House of Wax already, Paris Hilton would be charting my list) but this R&B singer seems to be an early contender. Her cat and mouse scene with the cheesy CGI generated werewolf (which is probably the only memorable sequence worth mentioning in this “cursed” flick) was surprisingly frightening, and when she gets trapped in the elevator, we all know she’s done for. Maybe I’m being a little harsh by calling her dumb, but why in the world would you attempt to stick your head out of an elevator door, when only moments before, a huge werewolf was trying to rip it apart? Do you have a death wish? I know, I know. I’m being a little too hard on this girl. The werewolf was going to get in, whether she stuck her head out or not, but geez...that was just STUPID.

9. Emmanuelle Chriqui / Wrong Turn

I really wished the inbred cannibals had taken this girl out first. The second terror strikes, this girl is ready to wave the white flag and give up. From that point on, her only functions consist of going catatonic and showing off her navel. We are also punished by watching this character bitch and whine and often crying out, “I can’t! I can’t go on. I just...CAN’T!!!” My opinion of this movie would have been a whole lot better if they had either Desmond Harrington’s or Eliza Dushku’s characters bitch slapping this dead weight while saying, “Get the f*ck up and shut the hell up! You can and WILL keep moving, unless you want to become the next ingredient in psycho hill-billy stew, and if that’s the case, see ya and wouldn’t want to be ya!” Now that would have been rewind-worthy.

8. Kelly Rowland / Freddy Vs. Jason

This Destiny’s Child plays Kia, the obligatory urban presence in a horror film. When this diva meets her demise, you can’t help but cringe. The cringing however does NOT come from her death itself, (in fact, most of the audience finds this relieving) it comes from what led up to it. Kia makes the fatal mistake of trying to escape death by trying to “street talk” Freddy out of killing her. Yes, that’s right. “Street talk” her way out of it. This is extremely sad to watch, considering the fact that the screenwriters of this cheesy movie are the farthest thing from “street” there is. You can literally see the dialogue being forced out of Miss Rowland’s mouth. And you wonder why Beyonce has got all the limelight.

7. Amanda Detmer / Final Destination

Who walks BACKWARDS into the street and NOT notice a huge bus coming their way? Two words. Peripheral vision. Unless you are completely blind, you should be able to tell from the side of your eye if you are about to be plowed by a big f*cking bus. Granted, this character was doomed from the moment she stepped off the plane, and was probably going to die anyways in some other lucrative and imaginative way, but come on!! Use some common sense, girl! Didn’t your mother teach you to look both ways before crossing the damn street?

6. Lindy Booth / Dawn of the Dead (remake)

Tell me I wasn’t the only person who screamed out, “You idiot!” when this girl risked her life (as well as the others who had to save her dumb ass) to rescue....a dog. A dog that wasn’t hers. A dog that wasn’t even in danger from being eaten from the zombies in the first place! I have a dog. She’s been in my family for seven years now, but there ain’t no way I would risk being eaten to save her tank ass. This character was useless! Completely useless! A prime example of this is when all of the characters were fixing their getaway vehicles, and what was her job? Spray painting. Yes, spray painting. Let’s just call even more attention to the flesh eating zombies shall we? (sigh) They should have left her dog loving ass in that tiny closet.

5.Sarah Michelle Gellar- I Know What you Did Last Summer and Scream 2

If some psycho fisherman was chasing you, would YOU be looking back to see if he was going to shove a huge fish hook in your face? Yeah, I didn’t think so! I had absolutely no sympathy for SMG’s character in Scream 2 whatsoever. This sorority girl had not one, but TWO chances to escape her fate of being splattered on the driveway of the sorority house if she had just let common sense sink in. If you had left your house because you were sure someone was breaking into it, would you go back inside and try to call the police? No, but Cici does. If your roommate had come back home for two seconds, and you still think there is someone in your place, would you leave with her, or would you just sneak around your house alone with only your portable phone as a weapon clutched to your chest? (Double sigh) Let’s not even mention “The Grudge.”

4. Rose McGowan-Scream

Now don’t get me wrong. I really liked Tatum Riley’s character. She was a funny and spunky girl who was a genuine and loyal friend to Sidney Prescott. I was even impressed when she ended up kicking some ghostface ass by tossing beer bottles at his head. I remember saying, “Finally, a horror movie that allows blondes to have brains.” But, then I realized the peroxide must have penetrated her brain when she tried to escape the knife wielding psychopath by trying to fit herself through a cat door. Her chances of getting out of that door were almost as slim as Pamela Anderson trying to getting out of a cat door. Its movies like these that make me appreciate my normal sized chest.

3.Linnea Quigley- Silent Night, Deadly Night

I can’t help but laugh when I watch an 80’s slasher flick. In slashers, the world is a place where women are walking, talking, brainless nymphos who are usually unaware of their surrounding unless they are tomboyish flat-chested virgins. This is the case for the 1984 X-Mas slasher, Silent Night, Deadly Night. In this movie, we are subject to seeing yet another teenage couple get it on.

When the female babysitter (who is not doing a good job of that by the way) gets up and opens the front door to let her cat in from the cold, she does so in only jean booty shorts and nothing else. (I’m sorry, was Russ Meyer a special guest director for this film?) I don’t know ANY woman who does that! I swear, the men who write these god awful movies are probably the same losers who write to Penthouse on a regular basis. The day I see a horror movie where a guy opens a door (in the dead of winter) in nothing but a G-string, looking for his cat, I will gladly walk around naked everywhere I go.

2. Judith O’Dey-Night of the Living Dead

“They’re coming to get you, Barbara.” Apparently not soon enough. I was shocked to hear that in this 1968 Romero classic, Barbara’s character is best known for portraying the “heroine” in this zombiefest. Are you kidding me? Are you f*cking kidding me? In my eyes, she was anything but heroic. She met all the criteria for being completely and utterly helpless.

Running away from someone trying to kill you in ridiculously high heels? Check. Obligatory tripping and falling on your ass while the killer gains on you? Check. Repeatedly asking the same stupid questions such as, “What’s happening?” when it’s pretty clear if you just use your damn eyes? Check. Going completely catatonic? Check. Crying to the point where the audience is praying for someone or something to take you out? Check. Sarah Conner was a heroine.

Laurie Strode and Ripley Scott were heroines. This beeyatch is just someone who just got way too much screen time. The only rewards we get out of being subjected to Barbara’s stupidity, is when Ben bitch slaps her (prepare the rewind button with this scene) and when her zombie brother FINALLY comes and gets her. THANK YOU!

1- Patsy Pease-He Knows You’re Alone

When I mentioned this movie to my friends, they had no clue to what I was talking about. I myself remember this 1980’s Halloween rip-off for three reasons.

1- Tom’s Hank big screen debut-for which he is probably ashamed to have on his filmography.

2- Kevin Williamson’s homage to this film’s opening sequence in his own opening sequence for Scream 2. (Yes, my mind is full of these sad trivial tid-bits)

3- The funniest yet dumbest thing I have ever seen a woman do in horror film history.

This woman is waiting in bed for her lover, but then she soon suspects that someone is in her house. Does she climb out of the window? Nope. Does she attempt to make a run for it? Nope. She hides under the sheets. Yep, he’ll never find you under there, you moron. I guess she must have thought that since this “clever” technique worked when hiding from the imaginary boogeyman when you’re four, it MUST work when you’re an adult. Now, THAT is one dumb beeyatch.