Angel

It’s Father’s Day, and that means it’s time to honor the dads we all wish we had - the ones that made our favorite heroes and heroines who they are today. Or who they were a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Or who they will be in a not-too-distant post-apocalyptic future. Or whatever. Here’s to you, dads! May your neckties be printed with fish and sailboats.

11. Jango Fett: Father of Boba (Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones)

Just a simple man trying to make his way in the galaxy. Father and son Boba bonded while trying to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi. It’s not his fault that the Empire wanted to make clones of him. So what if he’s just a handsome devil? The only job he didn’t complete as a dad was the part about telling his son not to fall into any holes when he’s in the desert.

10. Cigarette-Smoking Man: Father of Fox Mulder ( . . . or is he?) (The X-Files)

The very essence of the selfless parent. He recognized that his dangerous habit would endanger the life of his son Fox Mulder through second-hand smoke. To keep his son safe from the nasty carcinogens, he became part of an intricate, confusing conspiracy that involved aliens and oily goo and kidnapping Mulder’s sister. She really, REALLY needed to be kept safe from the dangers of tobacco.

Bad Dad!

Chewbacca: Father of Lumpy (The Star Wars Holiday Special)

Leaves his son at home with nothing but a Jefferson Starship video. The boy can’t have tough-guy rock music like AC/DC or Lynyrd Skynyrd? Poor Lumpy is in for a lifetime of Wookiee noogies. (There are no Wookiee wedgies. Wookiees don’t wear pants.)

9. Elrond: Father of Arwen (The Lord of the Rings)

Every dad worries when his daughter meets a guy. But Elrond came up with the best quadruple-whammy excuse ever to keep her away from a boy. First he said that he wouldn’t give his blessing until the guy won an impossible war. And he had to become king of the known world. Then Elrond told her that he was moving out of the country and she could never come over again if she insisted on living with the guy. On top of all that, she wouldn’t grow old, but her hubby would. And how! And by the time he finally died, she’d still be young and miserable until she just got sick of it all and died from unhappiness.

Man! And I was just gonna give my daughter’s boyfriends the skunk-eye!

As any parent of a rebellious kid could have told him, it didn’t work. But you have to give Elrond credit for trying.

8. Capt. Benjamin Sisko: Father of Jake (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)

So committed to the family unit, he went to an alternate universe to keep it together. His wife was killed by Locutus of Borg, really Picard who’d been Borg-ified. Honestly, I don’t think Sisko really believed that whole thing. He probably just thought Picard was after his woman and made up some punk-ass Borg story because he was jealous. Either way, Sisko went to the evil Mirror Universe and married his wife’s alternate-Earth twin (she must have shaved her evil goatee off right before he got there). But you know, she sure seemed nice . . . what does that say about his regular-Earth wife?

Bad Dad!

Worf: Father of Alexander (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

"Here, son, go play on the holodeck while Daddy puts his grimy hands all over the Betazoid lady and battles with honor and crap." What do you want to bet most of the holodeck programs in Alexander’s favorites folder involve Daddy face-down in Tribble poop?

7. Pa Kent: Father (adoptive) of Clark Kent (Smallville)

A hard-working man on a farm got what every hard-working dad deserves: A hard-working son who can lift a tractor and clean the barn in under 10 seconds. Thanks to all your good advice, he’ll be the world’s greatest superhero one day. But for now, he’s got to fix your fences. Congratulations, Pa! Now go prop your feet up. And get Ma to butter you some biscuits. Yeah . . . that’s what I’m talking about.

6. Darkseid / Highfather (tie): Father of Orion / Father of Mr. Miracle (Fourth World)

Jack Kirby’s Fourth World series featured these two men. Mr. Miracle was the son of Highfather, king of the good guys on the good planet of New Genesis. Orion was the son of Darkseid, king of the bad guys on the bad planet Apokolips. To ensure peace, they traded sons.

Mr. Miracle had been used to puppy dogs and lilacs and having his butt wiped by angels. Then he was ankle-deep in demon-poo and belching fire-pits. Thanks, pop!

Orion had been totally OK with the demon-poo and the belching fire-pits. But now he had to live with eating chocolate cake and bouncing on trampolines all day. Thanks, pop!

Meanwhile, the peace lasted about four seconds. But those dads got some quality time to themselves while their new sons were either being horse-whipped or sponge-bathed by buxom handmaidens.

Bad Dad!

Cyclops: Father of Cable (Uncanny X-Men)

His woman died. Then he married an identical woman. Then it turns out the first woman wasn’t really dead, so he went back to her, leaving the second woman. The second woman turned evil. One of them (honestly, I forget which), had a baby. But they had to send him to the future. Then he came back, all grown up, with out-of-proportion arms, gigantic guns, and pockets all over his uniform that he never opened. Somebody call family services!

5. Angel: Father of Connor (Angel)

But no parenting books covered all that, and eventually Angel was at the end of his rope. So he did what every parent does at one time or another: He rearranged the universe to put his amnesia-ridden child in with another family, and let them raise him all happy.

4. Adama: Father of Apollo (Battlestar Galactica)

Toughest dad on the block. He always had to make sure that Hoss, Little Joe, and Adam weren’t fighting over . . . I mean, Apollo and Starbuck weren’t fighting over some girl or some laser pistol or something. But on the new Battlestar Galactica, Adama is a grizzled military commander who lies about knowing where Earth is, and everyone totally believes him! Note there’s no wife around. Because they’re not as easy to fool as an entire galactic civilization. Take it from me!

3. Kyle Reese: Father of John Connor (The Terminator)

How’s this for a committed parent? Fight a war alongside your brave and tough buddy, then volunteer to go back in time and find his mother. Then totally bang his mom and thus become his dad. Then die. You get to be your child’s Buddy Parent and not even know it.

Bad Dad!

Midichlorians: Father of Darth Vader (Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace)

These straight-pimpin’ blood thingies spurt around looking for women to make it with, and after they make the baby, there’s not even a baby daddy around to call the authorities on. No support checks. No late-night feedings. And certainly no Father’s Day cards. Up yours, midichlorians!

2. Darth Vader: Father of Luke & Leia (The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)

Sure, Vader started off by beating his kids’ mama. Then after she died, he never even bothered to check for himself what happened to his babies, even though one of them went to live with his step-family in the house where Vader’s mom used to live, and even kept his last name. And when he did finally meet his boy, Vader chopped his hand off for not wanting to join Dad’s business and threatened to kidnap and brainwash his sister.

But when power-drunken push came to angry shove - which is to say, when Dad’s boss was electrocuting his boy; you know how bosses are - Vader came through. He started abusing the right person for a change! Next thing you know the boss is dead, Luke is all right, and Dad’s dying and therefore ready for sainthood just like his old buddies Yoda and Obi-Wan.

How do you find a Father’s Day card for that?

You showed me how much you love fighting And Force-threw furniture at my head But when I was getting killed with lightning You beat the other guy down instead.

Thanks, Dad, for everything you do. Happy Father’s Day!

1. Zontar: Father from The Herculoids

Usually when kids ask for a pet, the parents get all squirrely, worrying about responsibility and litter boxes. But not Zontar. Little shirtless Darno asks for a pet, and Daddy gets him a giant gorilla made out of stone, a 16-legged triceratops that shoots fireballs, a dragon with heat vision, and two glob things that go "Wiggy wiggy wiggy" all the time.

AWESOMEST DAD EVER.

Joe Crowe and Shane Ivey are humor daddy and managing daddy for RevolutionSF.