Buffy The Vampire Slayer

ANYA : I don’t think it’s really a date. That’s what I think.

BUFFY : Well, it is unclear. That’s why I chose a top that says, you know, I’m comfortable in a stodgy office or a swinging casual setting-or killing you, you know, if you’re a demon.

ANYA : (trying to clean Buffy’s shirt) It also says I sometimes get blood on my shoulder. Or it might be pizza. I don’t think I can fix it.

BUFFY : Thanks for trying.

ANYA : And I wasn’t talking about your date anyway. I was talking about this sham date of Xander’s. I think it’s part of a plan to make me jealous.

BUFFY : Well, it’s not working.

ANYA : Are you nuts ? Of course it’s working. Observe my-my bitter ranting. Hear the shrill edge of hysteria in my voice.

BUFFY : Um, I should really go find something else to wear.

ANYA : Fine, go. Leave me here to stew in my impotent rage. I’m also gonna pee, so you should probably go.

ANYA : Where are they ? It’s after 2. I can’t believe Buffy hasn’t brought him home yet. His slut ate him up.

WILLOW : His slut didn’t eat him up. And besides, I thought you were all angry at him.

ANYA : My feelings are changeable but intense.

ANDREW : I understand your fear, Anya. I know fear myself ’cause, you know, I, um, I enraged that primal force.

GILES : They’re not back yet ?

ANYA : I’m worried. I-I think we should go find them. Xander could be injured or trapped or eaten up.

GILES : It is late. Perhaps a little reconnaissance might be helpful.

CHAO-AHN : (comes downstairs, subtitled) Why is everyone up ? Are the flashcard monsters attacking ?

GILES : (to the others) She says she can’t sleep. (to Chao-Ahn) Um, I made myself some warm milk. You can have it.

CHAO-AHN : (speaking Chinese angrily, subtitled) You’re trying to kill me !

GILES : She’s shy.

DAWN : They’re back ! Oh, here they come.

ANYA : Xander all right ?

DAWN : Looks OK.

ANYA : Damn him !

WILLOW : What happened ?

XANDER : What do you think happened ? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I’m going gay. I’ve decided I’m turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let’s gay.

WILLOW : What ?

XANDER : You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I’m mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That’s a start, isn’t it ?

ANDREW : (wistfully) Captain Archer...

XANDER : Come on, let’s get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.

BUFFY : What if you just start attracting male demons ?

DAWN : Clem always liked you.

ANYA : It would serve you right.

GILES : Children, enough.

XANDER : I’d need some stylish new clothes.

BUFFY : The hellmouth has begun its semi-annual percolation. Usually, it blows around May.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Was it like this before ? I mean, it just seems to me as if things are getting bad faster than we thought.

BUFFY : We’re a little ahead of schedule.

ANDREW : Let’s explore the world of our story, shall we ? This-uh, Buffy lives in Sunnydale, California. (Re : whtie baord) Um, this is the local high school. There’s a hellmouth-hellmouth-underneath the high school. See, weird things happen on the hellmouth that attracts all sorts of, uh, bad people and demons and vampires. And now there’s this thing in the basement of the high school called the-the seal of Danzal-Danzalthar, and it’s sort of a door to the hellmouth. Uh, due to some circumstances it got opened up... a little bit... recently...uh, and this, uh, nasty, nasty vampire thing came out of it. It was, uh, it was just awful, awful. This whole thing- whole thing-is being orchestrated by something called "The First". It’s made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there’s also these guys. They work for the First. We don’t know much about them except that they’re very ugly and they’re very mobile for blind people. Is that all clear ?

GILES : (entering) Everything’s terrible. Total catastrophe.

BUFFY : Giles, what’s wrong ?

GILES : Have you seen the new library ? There’s nothing but computers. There’s not a book to be seen. I-I don’t know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to ?

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Uh, that would-that would be me. Hi. I’m Robin Wood.

GILES : Oh, sorry. Rupert Giles. Sorry. Buffy tells me you’re something of a freelance demon fighter. (Robin points to his office door, then closes it) Oh, yes, yes. I, um, I’m relieved. We’re running dangerously low on allies.

BUFFY : So, we didn’t stop it, then ?

GILES : Uh, no, the seers at the coven are certain the First is continuing to gather its forces. I’m afraid war is inevitable. So, we should go before the school board.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : What ?

GILES : Well, I can have my backup library sent from home in the mean time. It’s not much, but-

BUFFY : Giles.

GILES : Knowledge comes from crafted bindings and pages, Buffy, not ones and zeros.

BUFFY : So, did you bring back any potentials ?

GILES : Um, no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else...regarding Spike.

BUFFY : Spike ? What about him ?

GILES : I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Wait, sorry, chip ?

GILES : Uh, it’s a long story.

BUFFY : The military put a chip in Spike’s head so he couldn’t hurt anyone.

GILES : And that would be the abridged version.

BUFFY : But he wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.

GILES : Unless the First triggers him again.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Triggers the chip ?

BUFFY : No, the trigger’s a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was-made him- He was killing again.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip ?

GILES : Not anymore.

BUFFY : (angrily) It was killing him, Giles.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : The trigger ?

BUFFY : No, the chip. The trigger’s not active anymore.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Because the military gave him a soul ? (Buffy and Giles glare) Sorry.

GILES : We don’t know that the trigger is inactive. What I brought back may help us to disarm it, to ascertain exactly what it is that causes Spike’s behavior.

BUFFY : It was that song, Giles. I’m telling you, it was that song that Spike was singing.

GILES : He has no memory of it. Is there any part of it that you can remember ?

BUFFY : It wasn’t like it had a catchy hook or anything like "I’m coming up, so you better get this party started." It was boring, old, and English. Just like you-ull. (covers) Yule Brenner. A British Yule Brenner.

XANDER : I know it’s hard.

POTENTIAL : I haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights.

XANDER : Hey, listen. It’s gonna be OK. Buffy knows what she’s doing. She’s not gonna send you into battle until she’s sure you’re ready for action.

POTENTIAL : That’s just it, though. How will I know I’m ready...for action ?

XANDER : You have to trust us.

POTENTIAL : I’m so scared, Xander. I’m so young.

XANDER : Well, believe it or not, I was younger than you when I started all this.

POTENTIAL : There’s just so much I haven’t done, so much I need to do. It’s like... I never had a real boyfriend, you know ?

XANDER : Yeah ?

POTENTIAL : I’ve never been with a man. I could die tomorrow, and I’ve never been with a man.

XANDER : Well, uh-

COLLEEN : (sitting up out of nowhere) I’ve never been with a man before either.

XANDER : Colleen.

COLLEEN : I’ve never been with her in front of a man before.

POTENTIAL : I’ve never been with her in front of a man, either.

XANDER : Um...

POTENTIAL : (both girls crawl toward Xander seductively) Xander...

XANDER : We can’t.

COLLEEN : We’re so scared.

XANDER : The others might hear us.

COLLEEN : No, they won’t.

POTENTIAL : They’re OK.

(The door to Xander’s room opens to reveal a living room full of girls pillow-fighting in their skimpy pajamas. The air is filled with feathers.)

RONA Xander ! Xander !

XANDER : (wakes up) Wha- ?

RONA : (sighs) God damn it !

XANDER : What’s going on ? I was sleeping.

RONA : (irritated) Dominique has the stomach flu, and the toilet bowl is backed up.

XANDER : (smiles nervously) I’ll be right out. Got, uh, a leg cramp.

Faith to Buffy : Are you the bad slayer now ? Am I the good slayer ?from Dirty Girls (Season 7) (Faith stops Spike in his pursuit of a young woman)

FAITH : Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp ? Huh ? Somthin’ like this ? (punches Spike)

SPIKE : Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower...you must be Faith.

FAITH : (shrugs and grins) Oh, goodie. I’m famous.

SPIKE : Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I’m-

FAITH : Spike. Yeah, we’ve met before.

SPIKE : We have ? I don’t think we- (Faith kicks Spike) Bloody hell ! What’re you doing ? I’m on your side.

FAITH : Yeah ? Maybe you haven’t heard. I’ve reformed. (punches Spike)

SPIKE : So have I. (punches Faith) I reformed way before you did. (Faith punches Spike) Stop... (punches Faith) hitting... (punches Faith again) me ! We’re on the same side.

FAITH : Please. You think I’m stupid ?

SPIKE : Well, yeah. (grins)

FAITH : You were attacking that girl. (punches Spike)

(Buffy, arriving, punches Faith)

BUFFY : Sorry, Faith. I didn’t realize that was you.

FAITH : It’s all right, B. Luckily, you still punch like you used to.

BUFFY : (to Spike) You OK ?

SPIKE : Yeah. Terrific.

FAITH : Are you protecting vampires ? Are you the bad slayer now ? Am I the good slayer now ?

BUFFY : He’s with me. He has a soul.

FAITH : Oh, he’s like Angel ?

SPIKE : No !

BUFFY : Sort of.

SPIKE : I am nothing like Angel.

SPIKE : It’s not a road trip. It’s a covert operation.

ANDREW : Right. Right. Gotcha. (beat) I-I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They’re really good.

SPIKE : Not as good as those onion blossom things.

ANDREW : Ooh, I love those.

SPIKE : Yeah, me, too.

ANDREW : It’s an onion... and it’s a flower. I-I don’t understand how such a thing is possible.

SPIKE : See, the genius of it is you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.

ANDREW : Masterful.

SPIKE : Yeah. (beat) Tell anyone we had this conversation, I’ll bite you.

ANDREW : Right.

ANDREW : I spy with my little eye something that begins with a T.

SPIKE : Tapestry.

ANDREW : Hey, good one. How did you-

SPIKE : Tapestry’s the only thing in the whole bloody room.

ANDREW : Ah. So say you but I say, look deeper.

SPIKE : I’ll look deep into your jugular, is what I’ll look at.

ANDREW : Don’t spaz out.

SPIKE : I’m not- don’t say another word.

ANDREW : Rock/paper/scissors ?

SPIKE : What’s the matter with you ? Don’t you understand what’s happening ?

ANDREW : Yeah. We’re waiting here till it’s night again so you can ride on your motorcycle without exploding.

SPIKE : And every minute we’re stuck here, the Slayer’s out there facing hell knows what.

ANDREW : Come on, what’s the worst thing that could happen to her ? thing else is trying to kill you, too.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Yeah. There’s one more vent right by the stairs. We block that, they’ve got no sewer access. Should drive them straight up into the school proper.

FAITH : That’s assuming they get past us.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Which- no offense- I am.

FAITH : Come on. You gotta have a little faith.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : I think I’ve had my share, thanks.

FAITH : Well, I trundled right into that one, didn’t I ? Look, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was blowing you off the other day. I was just trying to, you know, blow you off.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Yeah, you know what ? I figured that one out all by myself.

FAITH : It’s nothing personal. It’s just… after I get bouncy with a guy, there’s not that much more I need to know about him.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : That’s bleak.

FAITH : Way of the world.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : That’s good to know ’cause for a second there, I thought it was more defensive, isolationist Slayer crap.

FAITH : (laughs) And he comes out swingin’.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Faith, there’s a whole world out there that you don’t even know about and a lot of the men in it are pretty decent guys. They’d surprise you.

FAITH : A guy looks at me, let’s just say his priorities shift.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Why ? Because you’re so hot ?

FAITH : It is what it is, yo.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Oh, please ! I am *so* much prettier than you are. And for the record, our little encounter didn’t exactly change my world.

FAITH : You’re trippin’ ! That was rock ’em, sock ’em.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : No, no, it was nice enough and you’re very… (gesturing) enthused. And I think with a little more experience-

FAITH : Dude, I got madd skillz !

PRINCIPAL WOOD : (patronizing) Yeah, of course. Let’s finish up.

FAITH : (starting to unbutton her pants) No, hell with that ! We’re going again, baby. You’re gonna learn a little respect here, pal.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : (chuckles) Faith, make me a deal, all right ? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.

FAITH : (wary) What would be the surprise ?

PRINCIPAL WOOD : You do know the meaning of the word, right ?

FAITH : Fine. Deal.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : Good enough.

FAITH : No way you’re prettier than me.

PRINCIPAL WOOD : A little bit, yeah.

(Dawn springs a trap, allowing sunlight into the building and dusting attacking ubervamps)

XANDER : We call that the greenhouse effect. Very dangerous.