Firefly

(With apologies to Joss Whedon, and to the author of "The Silmarillion in 1000 Words", found at http://www.livejournal.com/users/camwyn/328358.html)

WARNING

Contains many major spoilers; do not link to this page without a warning! If you read this before you see the movie, you will hate yourself! (And if you can’t stand to see this movie spoofed, you’ll hate me. Even worse, you’ll have to live with the knowledge that I don’t care.)

And so, without further ado...

TEACHER: We’re the Alliance. We’re good and noble and only want to help everybody, and we’ll totally kick your ass if you dare say different.

YOUNG RIVER: I don’t care, you’re meddlesome and you poke things into people’s heads.

TEACHER: No we don’t. *Pokes pen into River’s head*

DOCTOR: Ah, she’s dreaming again. *Pokes probe into River’s head*

SIMON IN MILITARY DRAG: Do I make you nervous?

SIMON FANS: Awwwww, isn’t he CUTE?

SIMON: *Stuns everybody with some funky device and rescues River*

OPERATIVE: Freeze frame.

DOCTOR: How dare you watch my video!

OPERATIVE: You idiot, you put key members of Parliament in a room with a psychic! You should fall on your sword.

DOCTOR: I don’t have a sword.

OPERATIVE: *draws sword*

DOCTOR: Gulp.

OPERATIVE: *kills guards, paralyzes doctor with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch, kneels with sword upraised* This is a good death. We’re building a better world. And I’m a total fucking psychopath.

DOCTOR: *Falls on sword* Gurk!

OPERATIVE: Now where are you hiding, little girl?

JOSS WHEDON: Wasn’t that a cool bunch of transitions? Now watch the intro scene designed for people who haven’t seen the series! I promise you’ll like it anyway!

SERENITY: *Flies through space, goes in for re-entry*

FANS: Woo-hoo!

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T SEEN THE SERIES: Why is everybody cheering?

SERENITY: *loses piece off her nose*

MAL: What was that?

WASH: This is going to be interesting. By the way, if you saw the series, you know I’m the lovable, mild-mannered pilot with a deadpan sense of humor.

MAL: Define "Interesting."

WASH: (deadpan) Oh god, oh god, we’re all going to die?

FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: LOL! Even if Whedon kills off a character, as he’s been known to do, it couldn’t possibly be Wash!

FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon, you bastard!

JAYNE: I’m a badass with lots of big guns. If you saw the series, you know there’s a town where they think I’m like Robin Hood.

ZOE: I’m a bigger badass than he’ll ever be, even though I only have one gun. If you saw the series, you know I fought in the big war with Mal and then married Wash.

KAYLEE: I’m the cute, happy, earthy mechanic. If you saw the series you know I totally want to jump Simon’s bones.

SIMON: You can’t take my sister along on this dangerous job!

MAL: Watch me. River, do you know what you’re doing?

RIVER: Do you?

MAL: Pffft. This is what I do.

Joss Whedon: Yeah, baby. This is what I do.

FANS: WOW! That shot went on for like ten minutes without a single cut! That was way cool! Wait a minute, where are Inara and Book?

JAYNE: Let’s be bad guys.

GUARD: You need authorization!

JAYNE: *Opens fire*

GUARD: OK!

MAL: Shiny!

RIVER: *Goes into a fit*

JAYNE: Reavers!

REAVERS: GRAAAR!

EVERYBODY ELSE: Run away like little girls!

MAN FROM BAR: Take me with you!

MAL: No! I have to show how dark I am in this movie! *Knocks him down*

REAVERS: GRAAR!

MAN FROM BAR: Augh!

MAL: Bang!

MAN FROM BAR: Gurk.

REAVERS: Aw, man, why’d you hafta go spoil our dinner?

MAL, ZOE, JAYNE, RIVER: Zoom.

REAVER SHIP: GRAAAAR!

SERENITY: *Scoops up away team, plus a piece of the Reaver ship*

REAVER: GRAR!

EVERY CREWMEMBER WITH A GUN: Bang!

REAVER: Gurk.

RIVER: He didn’t lie down. They never lie down.

EVERYBODY ELSE: We’re going to ignore that bit of foreshadowing because she’s always spouting crazy shit like that.

SIMON: How dare you risk River’s life! We’re off the ship next chance we get!

KAYLEE: No, wait!

MAL: Fine, leave.

KAYLEE: I guess this is goodbye, but because I’m too scared to tell you I totally want to jump your bones, I’ll give you advice instead. *Leaves*

SIMON: Boy, I totally wanted to jump her bones. *Leaves*

KAYLEE (to MAL): Gorrammit, I totally wanted to jump his bones!

MAL: He probably didn’t want you. If I wanted someone I’d go get her.

KAYLEE: Tell that to Inara! *Leaves*

FANS: Woo-hoo! Go Kaylee!

WEIRD ASIAN-LOOKING ADVERTISEMENT: I’m not a subliminal message!

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: River, set kickass mode ON!

RIVER: Miranda! *Kicks everybody’s ass, including Jayne’s*

SIMON: (In Russian) River, set kickass mode OFF!

RIVER: *Faints*

MAL: You got some ’splaining to do!

WASH: Tell me the story again, I love it when Jayne gets his ass kicked by little girls! Especially since he can’t stop me from teasing him about it because he’s scared of my wife!

MR. UNIVERSE: I’m a hacker with all kinds of cool stuff, but I have a lovebot, so I guess that means I’m pathetic and have no life. Well, enough about me, the Alliance knows who you are so you better run like little girls.

MAL & CREW: *run like little girls*

BOOK: Finally I get a scene. They’re going to send an Operative after you.

MAL: You know an awful lot about the Alliance. Someday you have to tell me about that.

BOOK: No I don’t.

JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*

FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon you bastard!

INARA: Finally I get a scene too! I’m going to call Mal and not fight with him so he knows it’s a trap and won’t come.

MAL: It’s a trap. Let’s go.

OPERATIVE: I’m unarmed.

MAL: Bang!

OPERATIVE: But I do have armor, you idiot. Shoulda gone for the headshot. *Kicks Mal’s ass*

INARA: That’s not incense!

NOT INCENSE: FLASH-BANG!

MAL and INARA: *Run like little girls.*

JAYNE: Why do we even have these gorram people on board?

MAL: You want to run the ship?

JAYNE: YES!

MAL: Well... you can’t!

FANS: LOL!

JAYNE: I’m going to slander your war record.

MAL: *smolders*

ZOE: You want to leave this room.

JAYNE: *Runs like a little girl* I hate it when she does that. Now I’m going to go take care of that little psycho.

RIVER: *Hides on ceiling* Thwack!

CREW: Crap, she’s locked us out!

MAL: *sneaks*

RIVER: *points gun at Mal* Go to planet Miranda.

ZOE: All the Reavers in the ’verse are in the way!

MAL: We’re going to run like little girls instead.

CREW: Oh shit, they shot up Book’s planet!

BOOK: I wish my last moments had a better camera angle than right up my nose! *dies*

FANS SEEING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME: Augh! They killed Book! Well, OK, at least it could have been worse. Whedon’s shot his wad, and we won’t lose anybody else.

JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*

CREW: Oh shit, they shot up all our friends’ planets too!

OPERATIVE: This is all your fault. We’re making a better world. And by the way, I’m totally fucking psycho.

MAL: *snaps* OK, fine! We’re disguising ourselves as Reavers and going to Miranda!

SERENITY IN REAVER DRAG: *sneaks through Reaver fleet*

CREW: Oh please, oh please let this work!

JAYNE: *Cradles gun* Oh please, oh please don’t let me piss myself!

CREW: Whew. Wait, this planet is full of people who died for no apparent reason.

JOSS WHEDON: *points camera at Wash for no apparent reason*

FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: AAAUGH! Whedon you bastard!

WOMAN IN VIDEO: We meant to make everybody calm and happy. They got so calm they happily lay down and starved to death. We didn’t mean it, honest!

OFFSCREEN IN VIDEO: GRAAAR!

WOMAN IN VIDEO: By the way, some of the people did not get calm and happy and lay down.

NOT CALM, NOT HAPPY PERSON IN VIDEO: GRAAAR! Munch munch munch.

MAL: I’m tired of running like a little girl. I aim to misbehave.

OPERATIVE: Ha ha, here I am with a bunch of big ships and you’re coming straight at me with your dinky little freighter!

ALL THE REAVERS IN THE ’VERSE: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

OPERATIVE: *runs like a little girl*

RUTTIN’ HUGE SPACE BATTLE: *Ensues*

WASH: I am a leaf on the wind. *Shows the world what a badass pilot he is*

MAL: We’re being followed! They shot us!

WASH: It’s OK, I’m a leaf on the wind!

SERENITY: *skids to a stop, losing many pieces*

FANS: Oh my god, they killed Serenity!

CREW: Oh my god, we’re alive, Whedon didn’t kill any of us!

FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: Whew. Wait, why is my friend who already saw this movie cringing and whimpering?

WASH: Whew. I really am a leaf on the wind.

GIANT SPIKE: No, you’re a leaf pinned to a chair.

WASH: Gurk.

FANS: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! No, he can’t really be dead! That’s not really a foot-wide spike in his chest! You can’t really kill Wash! Waaaaaah!

JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*

CREW: Run like little girls! If Joss killed Wash, nobody’s safe!

JAYNE: Well, maybe I am?

ZOE: I’ll hold them here.

MAL: Everybody hold them here, I’m going for the transmitter.

INARA: Joss, you bastard! We’re up against Reavers and you made me wear nothing but a leather bra and carry a wimpy-ass little crossbow! I bet I’m next on your kill list!

ZOE: Joss, you bastard! You killed my husband! I dare you to kill me too so I can haunt you from the afterlife!

REAVERS: GRAAAAAR!

KAYLEE: Crap, we really are all going to die.

SIMON: My only regret is that I didn’t get to jump your bones.

KAYLEE: Really? Well, then I want to live! Joss, if you kill him now I’ll stuff a compression coil up your ass sideways!

MAL: Boy this transmitter is hard to get to.

OPERATIVE: Especially if I shoot you in the back. Good thing I just have this wimpy stunner or this movie would be over right now.

MAL: Good thing I have a real gun. Bang!

OPERATIVE: Shit! *hides*

MAL: *swings on chains*

OPERATIVE: Shoulda gone for the headshot again! *Paralyzes Mal with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch*

REAVERS: *break down door*

ZOE: GRAR!

REAVERS: GRAAAAAR!

CREW: We’re all getting shot! Get inside the blast door! Oh crap, it won’t shut!

FANS SEEING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME: Whedon you bastard, you really are going to kill them all!

FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Wait for it.... wait...

RIVER: My turn! *Throws medical bag, shuts blast door, gets dragged off by Reavers*

MAL: Neener neener, I wasn’t really paralyzed. *breaks Operative’s throat and shoulders, ties him up, sends video to the whole ’verse*

FANS: Woo-hoo!

OPERATIVE: Dammit, Whedon, you said I could kill him! *Watches video*

MAL: Wow, crew, you’re all shot up. Where’s River?

RIVER: *In closeup, punches out a Reaver who looks an awful lot like Joss Whedon*

FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: *snicker*

REAVERS: Grar?

RIVER: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! *Kills all the vampires, I mean Reavers*

FANS: Wooooo-hooooo!

BUFFY FANS: Haven’t we seen this somewhere before? Oh well, it’s still way cool!

ALLIANCE TROOPS: GRAAR!

OPERATIVE: Stand down. Everybody gets out of jail free. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

MAL: Well, the ship is fixed now. I still want to kill you, Operative.

OPERATIVE: That’s OK, you’ll never see me again, I’m either going to fall on my sword or kill the whole Parliament, but I won’t tell you which because I’m still a total psycho.

FANS: Whew, for a second there, we thought Whedon was going to make him the new pilot or something!

KAYLEE AND SIMON: *Totally jump each others’ bones*

FANS: Say, who *is* going to fly the ship now, anyway?

RIVER: *flies ship.*

FANS: Whaaaat?

SERENITY: *Loses a piece off her tail.*

CREDITS: *Roll*

THEME MUSIC: *finally plays*

FANS WHO ARE GOING TO SEE THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER NOW: (singing along) "Take my Book, Take my Wash, kick me right smack in the crotch, I don’t care, cause I’ll still see, this film that Whedon made for me!"

(OK, seriously, I loved this move, even though I’ve still been thinking "Whedon, you bastard!" at random intervals for a week now.)