Buffy The Vampire Slayer

What does Buffy the Vampire Slayer mean to me?

For some reason, the answer does not come easily.

Few know the reason behind my intense devotion to the show, as my indoctrination into the cult of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was of a decidedly personal nature.

Diagnosed with clinical depression at a young age, it was during that period BtVS made its first - and lasting - impression on me.

I had been convinced to tune in one night by a friend, and was treated to a special airing of the two pinnacle episodes of early BtVS.

"Surprise" and "Innocence" (the latter written and directed by show creator Joss Whedon) detailed the events surrounding Buffy’s (Sarah Michelle Gellar) 17th birthday - more specifically, losing her virginity to vampiric then-boyfriend Angel (David Boreanaz - the star of the spin-off bearing the name of his character), only to have him turn evil immediately afterward, having lost his soul after they made love due to a loop-hole in a gypsy curse.

Trust me, it made sense.

Immediately identifying with the genuine emotion emerging from fantastical storytelling, Buffy became a kindred spirit, and an unspoken pact was forged as I worked out my pain alongside her, leaning on the series until I could once again stand on my own.

So what does Buffy the Vampire Slayer mean to me?

Well, back then it meant salvation, entertainment and understanding - and I know I was far from alone.

"I related to many of the things (Buffy) was going through, as they seemed to be similar to things I had ... or was going through," my friend and fellow BtVS fan Kelly Pieters explains.

"Without the supernatural aspect, of course."

It was because of this ability to connect with the characters, combined with the powerful metaphors, sharp storytelling, and smart, witty dialogue that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was embraced and cherished by its audience, ever since the show started seven seasons ago.

And it is because of such fan devotion, that the gradual - yet unmistakable - deterioration of the show came as such a shock.

"Buffy used to mean snappy dialogue, likable characters, clever metaphors for growing up, and the secure knowledge that I would be in front of the TV at 8 p.m. on Tuesday night," says John Ramos, who is also a longtime fan and recapper of the series for the Web site http://www.TelevisionWithoutPity.com.

"Now, it means a complete rejection of the concepts of continuity, characterization, and engaging storylines."

My friend and fan Gina Dela Concha, 26, is of the same mind.

"I sit on edge not because I’m anticipating the next exciting scene.

"I sit on edge wondering if the next scene will make me gag or roll my eyes," she says.

And sadly, I can only agree.

For reasons I doubt will ever be clear, the brilliant storylines that once fascinated are now slow and predictable, more indigestible than resonant. The plot twists? Non-existent.

As for the once so identifiable characters? To say that those characters I once admired, understood and identified with are little more than shadows of their former selves would almost be too generous a description.

"I get the message: life is tough," remarked a friend who asked not to be named.

"Thing is, it seems like the writers have forgotten that life has a lot of good in it, too."

Considering the sixth season featured the senseless murder of a lesbian character in a scenario so glaringly offensive it’s a wonder it was allowed on air, as well as a recently resurrected and supernaturally strong Buffy nearly being raped by her ex-lover Spike - with whom she continues to share tender moments this season - one must wonder what exactly it is that they are trying to say.

As Pieters says: "Rape is a very serious issue, and it is not so easily overcome - or forgotten.

"I think the fact that Buffy is still shown to have feelings for Spike after the attempted rape, without more repercussions, is both unbelievable and unfair to viewers who may have experienced something similar."

The victimizations of nearly every major female character in some way, as well as the overabundant rape imagery that plagued this season, have caused many to wonder why this show continues to be associated with female empowerment.

As longtime fan Michelle Szpilzinger notes, we’re never given a reason why it was good that Buffy was brought back from the dead. "Buffy hates being alive. She can’t take joy in anything. Enjoy the show!"

So, what does Buffy the Vampire Slayer mean to me?

Well, lately ... confusion, betrayal ... and a whole lot of anger.

You might be asking yourselves: Why keep watching?

For some, it could be blind devotion, lowered expectations ... any number of reasons.

For me, it’s the remaining sense of gratitude and loyalty toward those early seasons, the faint hope that somehow it’ll all end up okay.

As Szpilzinger says, when asked what keeps her watching: "Morbid curiosity.

"I truly enjoy bitching about the show more than I enjoy watching it."

So, again, what does Buffy the Vampire Slayer mean to me?

Salvation, understanding, entertainment, confusion, betrayal, hurt, anger, regret ... and finally, heartbreaking disappointment.

Tonight, when I sit down to watch the very last episode of BtVS (appropriately entitled "Chosen"), it will be with a profound sense of bittersweet melancholy.

When the closing credits start to roll for the very last time, I know I’ll be sad - I may even cry.

But this grief will not be for the show that’s ending tonight, but for the show I once loved, which is unfortunately already long gone.