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Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to talk about TV deaths.

May sweeps in the utter certainty that somebody somewhere is going to die. Beloved and not-so-beloved characters will meet the grim reaper and pop into the unemployment line throughout May. As we prepare for the TV body count to increase, a look back at some TV Deaths:

# Best Television Death: Bobby’s heartbreaking demise on "NYPD Blue" was a beautifully told story of the journey towards death. Clearly, the man deserves to be president. # Most Honest Portrayal of Death: Joyce Summers on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." From Buffy’s numb and disconnected reaction to her friends’ utter helplessness, this is the episode that got everything right.

# Worst Television Death: Billy Thomas on "Ally McBeal." He dyed his hair, then he died and then, most unfortunately, he came back as a ghost. It was the end of the end for that show.

# Most Premature Death: Oh, you know I still feel cheated by Danny’s death on "NYPD Blue."

# Most Confusing Death: I’m still not sure if Elena was alive or dead on the series finale of "Felicity." Are you?

# Most Gruesome and Unnecessary Death: It’s a tie between Dr. Romano being splattered on "ER" and poor Alex being sliced in half on "Third Watch." Both actors deserved better.

# Most Shocking Death: Teri Bauer on "24." Didn’t they know the rules? People in the opening credits aren’t supposed to die. We now take it for granted that those who come in contact with Jack Bauer often don’t live to tell the tale. But in the show’s first season, it was a brave and risky move that proved no one is safe in Jack’s world and there would never be such a thing as job security on the popular FOX series.

# TV Death that Took Guts: "Everwood" demonstrated rare television bravado by killing off Colin — irrefutable proof that the show would never be your typical teen drama.

# Would You Please Die Already Death: Seriously, Mark Greene had the longest death in TV history on "ER."

# Introduce a Character Just so He Can Die Death: Like the President’s son who was doomed the minute he told his dad he loved him on "24," poor Mark Harmon never had a chance on "The West Wing."

What are some of your more memorable TV deaths? Talk about it on the TV Gal Message Board.

Where Have I Seen Them Before?

David was the first one to recognize James Michael Tyler, Gunther on "Friends," as Carla and Turk’s marriage counselor on "Scrubs."

Evan Handler, Charlotte’s husband on "Sex and the City," was the extremely trusting lawyer on "24." What lawyer would think that guy would be safe? This season we’ve seen Handler as the Girardi’s lawyer on "Joan of Arcadia" and one of the people participating in the documentary on "Jack & Bobby." He so deserves his own show. Here’s hoping his pilot gets picked up.

One of my favorites, Michael Goorjian (Justin on "Party of Five," Ray on "Life Goes On"), was the husband whose pregnant wife was dying on "House." We saw him this season on "Alias" and "Monk" and last season on "Without a Trace." Marin Hinkle, funny but so underutilized on "Two and a Half Men," was his wife.

After playing bad guys on "Cold Case," "CSI: NY" and "Boston Legal," I was so relieved to see Fred Koehler, Chip on "Kate & Allie," playing the immigration lawyer on "ER."

Everyone was thrilled to see Michelle Forbes, Lynne Kresge in the second season of "24," was the doctor the fake Arvin Sloane kidnapped on "Alias." She was also Ensign Ro Laren on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" but I always remember her as Dr. Julianna Cox on "Homicide."

There were so many familiar faces on "CSI" (which was really almost like "CSI: LA," don’t you think?). Teal Redmann, Louise on "Gilmore Girls," was the Captain’s daughter Ellie. Michael Kenneth Williams, Omar on "The Wire" and Roberts on "Alias," was the meth lab guy. Matthew Glave, Rick on "Life on a Stick" and Dr. Dale on "ER," was the LA crime lab technician. Thanks to Toliver, Ken, Rachel and Robin for recognizing these familiar faces.

Quotes of the Week

"They want more than this and all you are is this." Dean giving Luke his advice about the "Gilmore Girls."

"I just made out with my dead best friend’s boyfriend who, incidentally, I hate." Veronica to Leo on "Veronica Mars."

"We have a bad elephant." Gretchen on "The Amazing Race." I’m proud of them for being the oldest couple to ever make it this far in the race, but isn’t the sound of her voice so annoying? Come on, you can admit it. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.

"In an alternate universe where I’m not an amoral, opportunistic, greedy bastard, she’s my girlfriend." Harlan about Leslie on "Eyes."

"Twelve hundred? Jack it’s me. You can say noon." Weiss to Jack on "Alias."

Highlights of the Week Ahead All times are Eastern Standard Time for April 24 to 30

Oh, how I missed "Everwood" (Monday, WB, 9 p.m.). If this show doesn’t get an Emmy nomination on July 14, you will hear me screaming.

I’m beginning to fear that I’m the black widow of "American Idol" (Tuesday, FOX, 8 p.m.). With Nadia and Anwar gone, two of my final four picks already have been eliminated. I’m so worried about Carrie and Bo. This is a very bad turn of events. If you are one of the ones voting for Scott Savol, I would love an essay as to why.

I was sad to see Lynn and Alex go but I’m rooting for Uchenna and Joyce to come in first (seriously, how could they not win a vacation or something last week? She shaved her head for heaven’s sake) and for Rob and Amber to come in second. I’m a little hurt that I wasn’t invited to Romber’s wedding, but I’m getting over it.

I’m all for this Logan/Rory storyline on "Gilmore Girls" (Tuesday, WB, 8 p.m.). For one thing, it’s great for Rory to finally be interested in someone who isn’t totally and utterly smitten with her. For another, like the Adam and Joan story line on "Joan of Arcadia," I think it’s very realistic. Here’s hoping Logan never redeems himself but remains the charming, confusing and often jerky guy we all knew in college.

We all need to reflect on the fact that Logan did not start putting the moves on Veronica until after he had seen her computer files. I’m in full fledged panic mode that we are going to learn Logan (so my new TV boyfriend) killed Lilly Kane on "Veronica Mars" (Tuesday, UPN, 9 p.m.).

Lee Majors, Debbie Reynolds and Alan Arkin all guest star on "Will & Grace" (Thursday, NBC, 8:30 p.m.). Million Dollar Majors is fabulous as the neighbor of Grace’s parents.

They need to staff the heck up on "The O.C." (Thursday, FOX, 8 p.m.). Also raise your hand if you think it might be nice for Marissa to start wearing a bra. The good news is that my beloved The Nana finally returns this week.

Given my black widow status, I’m almost afraid to tell you I’m predicting Tana and Kendra to make it all the way to the finals of "The Apprentice" (Thursday, NBC, 9 p.m.).

My wish for all the devoted "JAG" (Friday, CBS, 9 p.m.) fans is that the series finale is satisfying and by satisfying I mean I hope Mac and Harm finally get it on. You guys deserve that.

To the TV Gal Reader Belongs the Spoilers

Deaths, births, guest stars and marriages — oh my. It’s time for May sweeps. Promise not to read if you don’t want to know.

Roger Bart is back as the oh-so-slightly psychotic pharmacist on "Desperate Housewives." Tom’s old girlfriend will start working at his firm.

We’ve wanted this all season and finally Bright will realize his true feelings for Hannah and — bonus — he’ll actually tell her how he feels on "Everwood." Nina will move in with Jake (much to Andy’s dismay) and Ephram will head for Europe (Gregory Smith won’t even be in the season finale. And you don’t even want to know how he funds his trip.) Meanwhile, Andy will consider moving to Chicago with Delia.

In a plot line we could see coming from the pilot, Alex will realize she has feelings for "Joey."

Most of you had correctly guessed this already — Sonia Braga is the missing Derevko sister Elena on "Alias." Jack is gravely ill and I’m still holding out for a little love between Dixon and Hayden Chase (Angela Bassett). Prepare yourself for a lot of Rambaldi talk and perhaps, just perhaps, an engagement or two.

"Jack & Bobby" is pulling out all the stops for its season finale. Lou Diamond Phillips guest stars as the Jack and Bobby’s (or just Bobby’s?) father on "Jack & Bobby." Time Robbins is the voice of the future President McCallister, Gore Vidal is the host of the documentary and Norman Lear is the elder Peter Benedict. Don’t forget that Jack will take the blame for Missy’s death and Missy’s father will condemn her in his eulogy.

The French woman is back on "Lost" and Locke will be tortured by one of his own (think about who knows how to torture people). The season finale ends with some of the survivors heading out on the raft while the others open that blasted hatch.

Lorelai and Rory will end the season in a big fight on "Gilmore Girls." It seems that Lorelai isn’t a big fan of Logan (can you blame her?) so Rory turns to her grandparents for support.

And if you leave "7th Heaven" and never come back, the show will not be kind. This May, amid several social issues, we’ll learn that not only is Mary divorcing Carlos but she’s also signing away all custody rights to her baby. If you ask me this is one big way to get Carlos on the show full time next season.

That’s all for today. I’m back next Monday with thoughts on "24," "Alias" (I have a love/hate relationship with Rambaldi), "Lost" and much, much more. Also coming in May, my picks for the best and worst finales, my goodbye to "Everybody Loves Raymond," and the story lines of the season. Have a question, seen a familiar face, have an inside scoop or want to nominate a quote of the week? Write me at amytvgal@zap2it.com by clicking on my byline at the top of my column.