The Avengers

Review: Neill Cumpston returns to review ’The Avengers’

An internet legend returns just in time to review the summer’s biggest movie

Who is Neill Cumpston?

That question was asked of me frequently during my time at Ain’t It Cool News, and over the years, I’ve heard other people answer that question with a fair degree of authority, accusing people of secretly writing Cumpston’s reviews for AICN. Peter Travers once claimed to know the "truth" about Neill. But those people are crazy. The entire time, I repeatedly explained that I met Neill standing in line at a test screening, and Neill is simply Neill. He is a far more vocal example of a certain section of fandom than I am, and I love his pure enthusiasm. I was happy to publish him not because he is famous, but because he is Neill. If you don’t know his work, check out his "Grindhouse" review. Or his "Return Of The King" review. Or his "Batman Begins" piece. He is a work of art.

He’s also completely insane, of course. The way he connects the dots in his writing delights me from a purely anthropological point of view, and his use of profanity is Pulitzer-worthy. Make no mistake… a Neill Cumpston review is flat-out filthy at times, but always for a purpose.

When I left Ain’t It Cool, I thought that was the end of my association with Neill, and it was one of many things that saddened me at the time. A few months back, I was hanging out with Alan Cerny, who publishes as Nordling over at AICN now, and he asked me about Neill. I told him it had been a while since I’d seen him and I had no idea what he was up to. It was just a passing reference, but now it seems downright prescient.

When I went back to see "The Avengers" for the second time, I was startled to see a familiar head a few rows in front of me. You can’t miss that point on top. After the movie, I made sure I was between him and the door, and sure enough, it was Neill. I gave him my new e-mail address and I told him to send me some thoughts on the film, and I asked how he’d gotten onto the Disney lot to see the film in the first place.

Turns out he was interviewing for Rich Ross’s job.

I heartily endorse him for the position.

Here’s his resume, otherwise known as his "Avengers" review, although I’m not sure he understands exactly which film he was there to see. As always, I am leaving all of Neill’s text untouched, so if you are easily offended, you may want to skip this one and you can just check out my own review of the movie instead:

THE IRON MAN PART III

I got to see a preview of The Iron Man Part III on Friday morning and I had to wait this long to write what I thought about it. Partly because my mom was using the computer to fight with someone who kept posting pictures of lactating Asian chicks on her Etsy page’s comment thread, and also because the first two times I tried writing about Iron Man Part III all I did was type FUCK over and over again. The second time, I bolded it.

That’s how awesome this movie is and it’s like with this and Rising Up Batman coming out in July? Basically this summer is like if a motorcycle with Olivia Wilde’s face could give you a hand job.

First off, Iron Man isn’t even the only superhero in the movie. There’s like five other heroes – Mr. Hammer, Soldier Man, Leather Spider, Scowly Arrow and Green Ferrigno. And what’s really cool is that you first get to see them basically beat the shit out of each other for the first hour, and then they beat the shit out of this dude who looks like Zooey Deschanel wearing a magician costume and his army of alien penis-looking-dudes wearing armor and riding these flying space-scooters. So it’s basically two ass-kicking movies, and anytime there isn’t ass-kicking Sam Jackson comes in and yells at people, which should happen in every movie.

Also, I hate when movie reviews say shit like, “Oh, and there’s a tension between this dude and that girl and also the plot has multi-somethings and blah blah blah”. It’s like a scented candle is telling me what it thought of the movie. I don’t want a scented candle telling me anything. The only thing I want a scented candle to do is go up Justin Bieber’s butt while I shoot bottle rockets at him.

So let me just save you some time and say this movie will break your hand with its cock and balls by running at your hand which you’ve made into a fist, thinking, “I’m gonna punch this movie in its cock and balls ‘cause no fucking way can it be good” but then before you do anything the movie runs at you and breaks your hand with its cock and balls because its cock and balls are like a chunk of highway. They can use this part of the review on the poster.

So here’s all of the cool shit you get to see:

Leather Spider’s ass with leather on it

A lot of Solider Man throwing his shield and fucking things up with it, including Mr. Hammer

The guy from The Kids Are Alright (I think it’s the same character) getting pissed off and turning into Green Ferrigno and beating the shit out of everything, including buildings and airplanes and streets and I just came

Also, Green Ferringo has a scene near the end where everyone around just went apeshit it’s so cool and also I just came again

Mr. Hammer and Iron Man III whomping the Cheetos out of each other but then becoming barely friends enough to start whomping the space-Cheetos out of the Zooey Deschanel guy and all of his penis aliens

Iron Man III doing something crazy-ass heroic at the end that you don’t see coming Scowly Arrow being super-fucked up and kind of scary in the first part of the movie, and then getting super-angry about what happened to him in the first part of the movie and getting even scarier and scowly-er in the second half. He also shoots a lot of arrows.

Again, the Green Ferrigno scene at the end. I didn’t come this time writing about it. Oh, also: (MAJOR SPOILERS):

Stay for after the credits. There’s two bonus scenes.

One scene is where the words, “Oh” “My”, “Fucking” and “God” come out to apologize for not being up for the job of describing how awesome this movie is.

The second scene is the actual film itself – in film cans – beating the shit out of the actual film The Lucky One, also in film cans. It ends with The Lucky One saying, “I’m a scented candle” and then pooing itself.

"The Avengers" is open now in many countries, and opens May 4 in the US.