The Cabin in the Woods

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FOREBODING UNDERGROUND FACILITY

RICHARD JENKINS and BRADLEY WHITFORD are talking about MUNDANE THINGS in a MYSTERIOUS SETTING.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

…And so my wife says, “your arrival would be more surprising and interesting midway through the movie, rather than in the opening scene,” and I told her point blank, I’m Josh Goddamn Lyman, and if I appear in the movie after Thor, I’m fucking walking.

RICHARD JENKINS

Nice one. Hey, you ever noticed how this place is completely and totally not like The Initiative from Season 4 of Buffy?

BRADLEY WHITFORD

It’s okay, man, you don’t have to pretend. Plagiarizing from yourself is still acceptable in Hollywood.

RICHARD JENKINS

Actually, I’m pretty sure Hollywood’s cool with plagiarizing, period.

They run into AMY ACKER, CHIEF OF EXPOSITORY SCIENCES.

RICHARD JENKINS

Oh look, it’s Amy Acker. In a Joss Whedon project.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Quelle surprise.

AMY ACKER

Guys, I just wanted to let you know that we finished installing the “release all the monsters into the lobby of our office” button. Monsters, everyone. That’s what we do here.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Perfect. There’s no way this could come back to bite us in the ass.

RICHARD JENKINS

Or the face.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

What?

RICHARD JENKINS

Nothing.

EXT. GENERIC HORROR MOVIE SUBURB

We meet a group of ATTRACTIVE TEENAGERS preparing for an awesome weekend trip to a CABIN, you guessed it, IN THE WOODS.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

I’m the naive, virginal one, which I will establish by dancing around in my underwear and discussing the time I had sex with one of my professors.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I’m the athlete. Watch me hurl a football straight out a window and into traffic, brah! Sports!

ANNA HUTCHISON

I’m the sexy sex sex sex vaginal cock boner clitoris. Intercourse.

JESSE WILLIAMS

I’m the nerd of the group, which you can easily deduce from my six-pack abs.

FRAN KRANZ

(emerging from a plume of smoke)

And I’m the stoner, which I will emphasize by doing something with weed in literally every single frame of the film in which I appear.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Look how witty we all are!

ANNA HUTCHISON

Real, sexy teenagers are totally like this.

FRAN KRANZ

Joss Whedon has an uncanny insight into the youthful mind.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hey, Jesse, did you strap the plot device to the back of the Rambler?

JESSE WILLIAMS

Yep, we’re all set in case the five of us have need of a single dirt bike in the middle of a heavily-wooded area.

The GANG OF STEREOTYPES piles into their LARGE VEHICLE and heads off to a REMOTE LOCATION to encounter MYSTERIOUS FORCES. ROOBY ROOBY ROO.

EXT. GENERIC HORROR MOVIE GAS STATION

THE GANG gets GAS as station attendant TIM DE ZARN spits TOBACCO JUICE on their shoes.

TIM DE ZARN

Y’all are lambs to the slaughter. The Ancient Ones will bathe in your blood and the South will rise again!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(pause)

Well, not that this isn’t fun, but we should get going.

FRAN KRANZ

Tim, do you own, like, the fastest gas pumps known to man? That seriously took you less than five seconds.

TIM DE ZARN

It’s only enough to get you there, boy. And then mebbe drive around s’more when the plot requires it.

THE GANG continues onwards.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Guys, come check out how wide this canyon is. I get the feeling you’re going to completely forget later on, though. Possibly at a crucial plot point.

EXT. GENERIC HORROR MOVIE CABIN

EVIL DEAD HOMAGE SHOTS instantly make half the INTERNET cream its pants, while the other half starts BITTERLY COMPLAINING about what a RIP-OFF the movie is.

ANNA HUTCHISON

Let’s go explore!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

My cousin said something about there being this one room with a two-way mirror in it.

JESSE WILLIAMS

Yeah, found it.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Do you think that’s going to be explained at any point in the movie, or at least justified in terms of how it relates to the machinations of the sacrificial process we keep alluding to?

JESSE WILLIAMS

Doubt it.

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

Various EMPLOYEES are wagering on what AWFUL MONSTER will be chosen to KILL EVERYONE in the CABIN.

RANDOM EMPLOYEE

Look! Aren’t we callous?

OTHER RANDOM EMPLOYEE

Yeah! We’re terrible human beings! Woo hoo!

RANDOM EMPLOYEE

This is in no way a lazy method of characterizing us as villains!

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Goddamn, I just hope I get to see a merman before I die.

RICHARD JENKINS

You mean like, right immediately before you die?

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Uh, no…why?

RICHARD JENKINS

No reason.

Meanwhile, BRIAN WHITE, clearly new to the job, is CRITICIZING EVERYTHING.

BRIAN WHITE

Why don’t you just kill them?

RICHARD JENKINS

Because ancient, evil gods demand that we lure attractive teenagers to a cabin and subject them to a horrifying death at the hands of various monsters, which is this film’s retcon of every shitty horror movie you’ve ever seen. It’s like Wicked, except your mother-in-law wouldn’t like it.

BRIAN WHITE

I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I’ll get it, you bring them down here, BOOM, I’ll blow their brains out.

RICHARD JENKINS

Brian…you just don’t get it, do you? You don’t.

INT. THE CABIN

THE GANG is playing TRUTH OR DARE.

FRAN KRANZ

Wait, truth or dare? Really? Are we 19 or 9?

JESSE WILLIAMS

I’m pretty we’re just sending up how we’re all actually around 30 in real life.

ANNA HUTCHISON

Whatever, dare! I want a dare, because they’re usually sexual, just like me!

JESSE WILLIAMS

Well, considering the way you’re acting, we could easily get away with daring you to bang every guy here, so-

FRAN KRANZ

I dare you to make out with the only mouth in this room not attached to a living person!

ANNA orally attacks a MOUNTED WOLF’S HEAD as enthusiastically as her lack of concern for her CAREER allows.

ANNA HUTCHISON

There’s no need to huff and puff. I’ll let you come in.

FRAN KRANZ

The whole world of blowing-related humor before you, and you go for “I’ll let you come in”?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Is it weird that this is giving me a husband’s bulge?

Suddenly, the CELLAR DOOR mysteriously opens. Everyone goes to INVESTIGATE.

FRAN KRANZ

Just like a real horror movie!

JESSE WILLIAMS

They get it, dude. Everyone understands what the movie is by now.

KRISTEN reads aloud from the DIARY of a GIRL who ALMOST CERTAINLY would not have known how to WRITE.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

There’s a part here in Latin. That’s even less plausible.

FRAN KRANZ

Pretty sure you still shouldn’t read it, though.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.

GOZER

The Choice is made! The Traveller has come!

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

RICHARD and BRADLEY are PULLING STRINGS.

RICHARD JENKINS

Just in case it wasn’t totally obvious by now that we’re controlling everything, I’m about to manipulate the fucking weather.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

This is a completely plausible scenario!

CHRIS and ANNA frolic into the woods to have SEX. We see BOOBIES.

BRIAN WHITE

I haven’t done anything in a while. I should probably provoke some more clumsy exposition. My stern mustache and I disapprove of this voyeurism!

AMY ACKER

As do I, but it’s necessary to appease the Ancient Ones.

RICHARD JENKINS

We have to give the customers what they want.

BRIAN WHITE

I hope you guys realize that taking horror movie cliches and explaining them with “because ancient, evil gods want it that way” does nothing more than extend the reductionist answer to a question that nobody ever asked.

Suddenly, a ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE FAMILY attacks the COUPLE and get some HEAD of their own. CHRIS escapes back to the CABIN.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Everyone come with me and split up. Wait, what?

FRAN KRANZ

Zoikes!

THE GANG become trapped in their ROOMS, but KRISTEN escapes when JESSE smashes the TWO-WAY MIRROR.

JESSE WILLIAMS

Ah, so it WAS just a plot contrivance.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

That’s good, I was hoping it wouldn’t turn out to be anything original or interesting.

They are ATTACKED by the ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE DAD, but KRISTEN manages to subdue him.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

You like pain? Um…try wearing a corset? Is that right? I’m so glad we’re referencing horror movie dialogue.

JESSE WILLIAMS

Look, just because we’re referencing other horror movies, that doesn’t automatically make this cleverly written. Knowing the dialogue is contrived doesn’t make it any less contrived, for fuck’s sake. Ah, goddammit, that hurts.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Are you okay?

JESSE WILLIAMS

That bear-trap to the back just left me a bit stiff, give me a second to walk it off.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Guys, Fran didn’t make it. We really have to go.

JESSE, KRISTEN and CHRIS escape in the RAMBLER, but are blocked by an EXPLOSION that collapses the TUNNEL.

JESSE WILLIAMS

Well, someone could always try to jump the canyon.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I’ll do it. I’ve done bigger jumps than this.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Without a ramp? Is this one of those penis things where you’re just exaggerating to impress me, even though I’m going to know you’re a liar once I actually see it?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No, actually, this is to increase the “will they succeed” dramatic tension.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

There is no tension. We already saw a bird hit the wall, we know you’re going to fail.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh, so it’s dramatic IRONY, then?

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Yes. Good luck.

CHRIS JUMPS. It does not go well. As JESSE is driving KRISTEN back to the CABIN, he is stabbed by a STOWAWAY ZOMBIE and crashes into the LAKE. KRISTEN swims to shore, where the ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE DAD is waiting for her.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Man, today is just not my fucking day.

ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE DAD

Hey, I just want you to know this is nothing personal. I’m just doing my job.

He proceeds to BEAT HER SAVAGELY.

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

A PARTY is in full swing, when suddenly, the RED PHONE rings. This is NEVER GOOD.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Hi…yes…no…goddammit…what do you mean, with a trowel?

RICHARD JENKINS

Fran survived?

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Apparently. How the fuck did we miss that?

BRIAN WHITE

Well, you made a point of showing us the screen where you’re monitoring all of the kids’ vitals, so you really don’t have an excuse.

Meanwhile, FRAN and KRISTEN have escaped into the ELEVATOR CUBE THING that brought the ZOMBIES up. They slowly pass numerous MONSTERS in other ELEVATOR CUBE THINGS.

FRAN KRANZ

Check it out, apparently ghosts can be contained behind plexiglass.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Isn’t it awesome that we’re conveniently stopping in front of multiple other boxes, allowing us to get a good look at what’s inside, despite the fact that there’s no logical reason for that functionality to exist?

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

RICHARD, BRADLEY and AMY are starting to PANIC.

RICHARD JENKINS

Goddammit, Amy, your formula doesn’t work on someone who’s high? These are teenagers, in a cabin, over the weekend. It’s kind of a given that drugs will be involved.

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Fuck, which box are they in?

BRIAN WHITE

Stab in the dark, but they’re probably in the same one you sent the zombies up in. Besides, all the elevators open into the same hallway.

FRAN and KRISTEN reach the LOBBY, where they EASILY OVERPOWER the guy sent to CAPTURE them.

RICHARD JENKINS

You sent one inept guard to apprehend them? After they escaped the evil creatures specifically designed to kill people?

BRADLEY WHITFORD

I should probably mention it was the same inept guard who takes care of the booth with the “release the monsters” button in it.

RICHARD JENKINS

Well, there’s no way this is gonna end badly.

KRISTEN pushes the BUTTON and ALL HELL BREAKS FUCKING LOOSE.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Check it out, I always wondered why unicorns had horns.

FRAN KRANZ

We should probably head out and explore, even though we could just as easily duck into one of the empty elevators and hide.

Various MONSTERS break into the CONTROL ROOM. BRADLEY, incapacitated on the floor, is EATEN by the MERMAN.

MERMAN

Mmmmm, delicious irony. And face. But mostly irony.

RICHARD JENKINS

How the fuck would the merman be able to kill an entire cabin of people? He can’t even walk. As long as the kids could jog at a semi-leisurely pace, they’d be fine.

AMY, BRIAN and RICHARD meet NOT-VERY-TRAGIC ENDS as FRAN and KRISTEN emerge in the LOWER LEVEL of the facility.

FRAN KRANZ

What the fuck are all these stone tablets for?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

I’ll tell you, but then I’ll have to kill you. Hehe.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Okay, seriously Sigourney, where did you even come from?

FRAN KRANZ

Whoa. You live down here? Like…with the Gods? Do you share a duplex or something?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

More of a timeshare, really, but the point is, we’ve been appeasing the Gods with the ritual offering of five archetypal sacrifices.

FRAN KRANZ

Okay, but wait, we all spent the entire movie completely undermining those archetypes. Couldn’t you have done a little better?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Well, we work with what we have. Would you expect every actress playing a virgin character to actually be a virgin? I’m not called The Director for nothing.

FRAN KRANZ

All the meta is starting to give me a headache.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Trust me, this movie has more levels than the Super Mario series.

FRAN KRANZ

Maybe the human race should die out, if this is what it takes for it to continue.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

Are you serious? Do you literally have not a single family member that might give you pause before coming to that conclusion?

FRAN KRANZ

Well…

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

You’d rather sacrifice everyone on earth, knowing that 99.999% of them aren’t even aware of this conspiracy, while you know about it and are making literally the most selfish decision humanly possible, which ironically actually makes you extremely deserving of death?

FRAN KRANZ

Uh…

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

A handful of teenagers every year, compared to the alternative, is nothing. More people die from falling in the fucking bathroom. I’m shooting you, you selfish dick.

A BRIEF FIGHT ensues, in which SIGOURNEY gets AXED.

KRISTEN CONNOLLY

I’ve changed my mind for no apparent reason.

The GODS awaken, and a GIANT HAND bursts out of the GROUND, ending the WORLD.

DIRECTOR DREW GODDARD

So basically, the moral of the story is “it’s permissible to condemn 7 billion people to death, as long as it’s because you’re staying true to your friends”?

PRODUCER JOSS WHEDON

Actually, I was going for something more along the lines of “keep paying to see shitty, unoriginal horror movies, or the world will end.”

DIRECTOR DREW GODDARD

Works for me.

COMING SOON: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS 2

END.