Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Well Hung at Dawn Guns, Buffy and monkey crap!

"This is America! When something sucks, you get your money back!" Are there any two people in the world we’d like to see less in a movie together than Ben Stiller and Jack Black? Besides Owen Wilson and Jack Black? Our least favorite un-funnyman just signed to star in Peter Jackson’s King Kong remake. Jack Black is a big pile of monkey crap!

Look, we like a bottle of Syrah, effete music from the U.K. and Sondheim as much as the next metrosexual, but we’re definitely drawing the line at makeup. Unless we have a zit.

Best band at SXSW? Montreal’s the Dears. A black guy with a Jewish first name (Murray) and a Smiths fixation, a rhythm section and guitarist who think they’re in Black Sabbath and two beauties playing keyboards (for those of you who have been with this column since the RayGun days, four words: Valerie Joidon-Keaton-Cohen). They’re the Canadian Mansun.

Also standing out in Austin: Earth the Californian Love Dream proved that Nottingham is still Rock City, Franz Ferdinand live up to and surpass the hype, Electrelane actually rock out and Cerys Matthews’s voice is still the best (though we’re shocked to see that she’s apparently discovered both sobriety and dentistry). Also, every member of the Grim Northern Social appears to be shorter than the old Cosmic Rough Riders lead singer (they’re a wee folk, the Scots). But they’re still swell.

GOPunk?!? Jebus H. Christmas, have you ever heard of anything quite so stupid? Or sad? To paraphrase Jello Biafra, "Conservative punks, fuck off!"

Know what hasn’t been said enough this year? Life sucks without Buffy. And Cordy, for that matter. Oh well, we’re just gonna enjoy these last episodes of Angel (’cause it is sooooooo not getting "saved") and wait for Fox to cancel Wonderfalls (which, btw, must really irk the Joan of Arcadia people, but hey, we said it here first — it’s a better show on another network).

Good to see Neil McDonough turn up in Walking Tall — next he should be the new C.O. on NYPD Blue . . . Unlike Vanity Fair, we have no problem saying Keira Knightley was hot at seventeen, or that we’d be happy to see her naked now that she’s eighteen. Also, we understand that at sixteen, she was the "sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet." Hey, wait a minute — wasn’t that Vanity Fair?

Doesn’t Steve Doody realize he works for one of the world’s biggest purveyors of trash TV and PPV porn? . . . We’re old, part 41: it’s the tenth anniversary of Reality Bites.

"For two decades, one band defined rock & roll," sez the Guns n’ Roses best-of TV ad. Shouldn’t that be, "two albums"? If that? . . . We’re old, part 42: Veils frontman Finn Andrews is the son of Barry. Hey, he should form a supergroup with Dave Allen and Carl Marsh’s kids. Bet he’s never heard that one before.

Copy-protected music is killing home taping . . . Good news: we heard from Simon Rivers: new Bitter Springs album in the works, plus he and Vic Godard are writing an album of songs based on Irvine Welsh’s Blackpool.

And finally, because it’s been awhile, and because you long-suffering readers deserve a little bonus, we leave you with some recent missives from the ever-bulging WHAD mailbag:

For as much as this column sucks . . . I think it’d come out more often. — Daniel Fletcher

Hey, comedy is easy . . . sucking’s hard.

You guys drop more Orange Juice references than Anita Bryant. — Sean Hagearty

Even dropped another one since then.

Hey, you know that bit in the Grammy article where you said Marian McPartland would be performing with Avril Lavigne? Was that just a touch of sarcasm or did that actually happen? If you could reply that would be awesome. Thanks! — Sharifa Mohamed.

We’re sure she figured it out by now. Maybe.

I used to smoke shitloads of grass and I never thought you guys were funny at all. I quit smoking grass and now I laugh . . . go figure. — Chip Love

Well sure. Sophisticated satire like ours requires sharpness of mind and purity of soul.

Kurt’s suicide is observed on April 8th. If you are going to poke fun, at least get that much right, you filthy anal drippings. — Anthony Sims

"Observed?" Like it’s Yom Kippur or something? Besides, we didn’t say it wasn’t, we merely said 2004 was the "anniversary year" of Kurt’s suicide. Assuming it was suicide.

I’m shocked that neither of you have the intelligence, nor the inborn sense (as Jews) to realize that "neoconservative" jokes of that nature are veiled anti-Semitism. A large portion of "neoconservative" hating (born in Europe for the most part) is of that despicable nature. Please try to have more sense. — E. Rogers

We’re shocked that you don’t have the intelligence, nor the inborn sense (as a neoconservative) to realize that we were making fun of both sides of this non-issue.

Hey fuck you guys for mocking Spalding Gray. Guy gives so much to the world and has a terrible accident and can’t go on. His family is suffering terribly and you take a cheap shot. Jerk offs. — Jeff Demark

For what you two lack in writing ability, you more than make up for with mentions of obscure bands nobody cares about and by taking cheap shots at terminal cancer patients . . . Bravo! You’re the Cat’s Meow! — Mike Gillett

Yep . . . we still got it.

It rang all the bells in my worthless, reference-addled brain, tying that Simpsons’ Bill Cosby riff to the Smiths. Bless you.

P.S. Sucking up to music critics = new personal low! - C.

Suck up all you want — we’re not really music critics!

Enjoyed the last column of ’03, but feel compelled to point out an error. It’s fashionable for punk rockers to hate U2, but you can’t claim that punk rock is a response to, or exists because of U2. After all, Bono cites Patti Smith, the Clash, and the Ramones as major influences. So as it turns out, punk rock created U2. — Jon Munn

You’re not much brighter than the Avril Lavigne fan, are ya?

Nice List-O-Mania . . . I have just one question. Where the hell can I get the new Candidate album?? All their other albums have been great, so I can’t wait to hear the new one . . . Obviously you guys have gotten your hands on it — could you point me in the right direction? — Sam Dobbs

Why, it comes out April 5th, and this is the perfect time to mention that you can find it, and many of the other great records mentioned in our last column, at action-records.co.uk. Tell ’em Well Hung sent ya!

Another quality year in the WHAD canon. Kudos for fighting the good fight against the dicks at Buddyhead. Those guys are so full of meecrob. Now just don’t take until damn March to put up List-O-Mania 2003. — Tyler Banks

Oops.

E-mail Well Hung (Note: letters may be printed on the WHAD Message Board).

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN (April 2, 2004)

[The above are the opinions of Jason Cohen and Michael Krugman and not necessarily the editors of Rolling Stone or Anita Bryant.]