Marti Noxon

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) - Wait. Did Jackie pick a gay guy or a heterosexual on "Playing it Straight?" What happened to those skanks and himbos who were supposed to be on "Forever Eden," well, forever? Who, exactly, are "The Ortegas?" And what exactly is it like to live the "Still Life"? Those are just a few of the mysteries left obscured by FOX’s multi-tiered schedule unveiled on Thursday (May 20). Talking to reporters in anticipation of Thursday upfront presentation to advertisers, FOX Entertainment President Gail Berman trumpeted a schedule so full of shiny new offerings that no consideration will be given to dusting off a few old chestnuts during the summer months. "The Ortegas," scheduled for a fall premiere last year, will join the hardly esteemed ranks of the Randy Quaid alleged comedy "The Grubbs," which FOX also forcibly slipped through the cracks. "Still Life" had an interesting premise, an interesting pilot and a hypothetical midseason slot, but beyond your friendly neighborhood television critic, nobody ever got to see it.

"We don’t put shows on our schedule that we ultimately feel don’t have the juice behind them to work," Berman insists. "That’s just a fact of life. It happens at every network. I don’t know that ours is more than anybody else’s."

Back in March, FOX sent a group of attractive, but unappealing strangers to live in the jungle and tolerate the fickle rules and STD potential of "Forever Eden." It aired four times. Nobody watched. The singles were, presumably, stranded in the jungle. Also in March, FOX sent poor college student Jackie to a dude ranch where all of the men were either gay or straight (as opposed, apparently, to the real world). She had to choose a straight mate to win a cash prize, or a gay beau could fool her and snag the money for himself. It aired three times. Nobody watched. Fortunately, the show had been in on the shelf for so long that all of the contestants made it safely back to civilization.

"’Forever Eden’ we don’t anticipate returning to the schedule, nor do we anticipate bringing back ’Playing it Straight,’" Berman says, putting a dagger in the hearts of at least a dozen faithful viewers.

As a certain FOX drama once regularly reminded its fans, the truth is out there. Berman actually knows who won on "Playing it Straight" and she knows if anything worth watching eventually happened on "Forever Eden."

"We will certainly provide any viewer that needs the information with the information of the conclusion," promises Berman.

Also joining the ranks of shows that will probably never return is "American Juniors." The "American Idol" spin-off got a high profile launch last summer and was supposed to segue immediately into a second season last fall. However, while Berman is able to rule out the return of a talent show featuring adorable little people, she isn’t quite so ready to give up on a dating show featuring lovelorn little people.

"’American Juniors’ you will not see on our schedule returning this year," Berman admits. "’The Littlest Groom,’ hey, I don’t know. Maybe we’ll do that one again. That was kinda fun."