Buffy The Vampire Slayer

This one’s hard for me to recap, guys. I’m exhausted and bitter. But, I shall do my best.

We open immediately after the end of episode, 20, whatever that was. Hey! I think time has gone wonky! Can anyone pull in a quote from "Restless" here? There’s a bomb ticking down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Or maybe it’s a ticker to keep track of the number of viewers who haven’t switched over to Gilmore Girls yet. Faith yells at everyone to get down (on someone else’s boyfriend?) and a bunch of SiTs dive as the blast hits. I really wouldn’t mind if SiTs got blown to smithereens every week, you know. Or even better, a huge animated Monty Python foot just squishes them out of nowhere... I think this could be a concept show we could work with. Unlike, say, "Reliving All My Kisses Hour". Sigh.

In the meantime, Buffy is at the vineyard. I wanna be at the vineyard. I think Caleb would get over his misogyny wih a nice wine-tasting, don’t you? Come on, Caleb, it makes you all fuzzy and you get the goggles. Buffy’s eyeing the scythe, which is embedded in a rock. She reaches toward it…and then Sir Kayleb leaps down upon her. He questions her ability to pull this show from the depths of borrowing every cliché that it trips over…or, to pull the scythe out of the rock, whatever. She manages to unleash the weapon from its sheath. Then she licks the wet droplets of love off its tip, and…oh, never mind, I got sidetracked. Caleb is blocking Buffy’s way, demanding the weapon back. They verbally bitch at eachother, basically, "You suck!", "No you suck!", and then the First shows up, telling Sir Kayleb to let Buffy go. Yes, if you love someone, set them free. ( Free free, set them free.) Sir Kayleb says she doesn’t have time to use it, her friends are in trouble. Well, ok. That I can buy. Faith is getting exploded, Xander is missing an eye, Willow is on Angel, Giles is a twat, Anya is scouting for sex, and Dawn just sucks. They need the help of someone. Sir Kaleb is still objecting, but the First says that they’ll get the weapon back when Buffy’s back is turned. Will I get my dignity back if I turn away from this show? No. Screw you, Buffy. Then in a surprising move (okay, not a surprising move if you have watched Legolas in LotR: TTT), she swings one-handed through the trap-door above her.

Back in the sewers with Faith and the SiTs. Apparently, it’s like Vietnam. Again. You know, I know people who have fought in Vietnam. And somehow, I don’t think this probably captures it. Is Petrie off on a warwank again? Amanda is panicking, and some chit named Caridad helps her look for survivors, Vi is still alive, too, and Dienbienphu falls, rock around the clock. Kennedy rallies them, and they search for Faith amidst the wreckage. She’s unconscious, but alive. I’m sorry, Faith. What was the pilot called again?

They hear a growl. Yes, I am hungry, but…oh, it’s an ubervamp. You know what sounds good, though? Crow. Yummy, baked crow. I will eat it gladly, since I said that ME would never stoop so low as to create a cheap B/S/A triangle. The Si-titties start to make their way out of the tunnels. Lots of crap with them finding their way out of the wreckage. I thinkI am gonna play a little game now. I will tear up each page of episodes 18 and 21, and build a fort. Can I make my way out of it?

At the Summers’ Home, SiTs are gathering around Andrew, who has nicked a bunch of stuff from the deserted supermarket. Oh! I hope he got me some tampons, and maybe a bit of smoked gouda. Giles bitches at Andrew for a moment (before being distracted by a snack cake…taking lessons from Xander, are we?) , but then Willow, Xander, Dawn, and Anya return. Giles asks if they found Buffy, and they indicate that the locator spell led them to an empty house from which she must have moved on. My locator spell indicates the Cosmo Andrew brought me, from which I have moved on. I needed to know the hundred ways I can please a man in bed. In case it ever comes up. Giles drags the people who are in the title credits , and says that Faith hasn’t come back, either. Hell, would you?

Back in the sewers, Kennedy and the SiTs are trying to fight an Ubervamp. More than one, actually. They’re rushing all over them. Three, I think. One, two, three insipid villains, hahaha! One of them grabs Kennedy by the throat and lifts her, and then there’s a loud crash as Buffy makes her way down with the scythe. Oh, screw you, Buffy. We were this close. She manages to kill three Ubervamps in a boring fight scene which I won’t detail, but I am sure has Petrie fondling himself at night over.

Buffy tells everyone to get the wounded. Kennedy asks if there are more, and Buffy says there are always more. I wish there were more beers. Seriously. I’ll need them for act 3.

[ Thanks to Jana (Ripper) at Spoiler Crypt http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spoiler-crypt ]

Part 2 of BTVS Episode #21 "End of Days" Spoilers All credit and thanks goes to bubonic from Fan Forum http://www.forums4fans.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=forum&f=6

SPOILERS

BELOW

BEWARE

Back at the Summers’ house, various wounded SiTs are wandering about aimlessly. I think they need a few simple rules. 1) If you are named in the credits, but have no lines, you are safe. 2) If you are named in the credits and have a couple of lines, you are dead, unless you are either gay or non-caucasian, in which case you just get a broken arm. 3) Don’t put on a red shirt. 4) If you are not named in the credits, pick up your paycheck and exit through the door on the right.

Dawn and Willow and Buffy are attending to them. They’re spurting more fake blood than the Black Knight in Holy Grail. Buffy goes to help Willow with a gaping wound (hey, if Willow weighs the same as a duck, is she a witch?), and then we see that Buffy still has the scythe. OK. Seems like we might have a bit of a security scythe issue here. I know it’s cool and gives you a sympathetic penis, Buffy, but sheesh. You look like Death. Hahaha, get it? Cause Death has a scythe…ok, never mind. I mean, NEVER MIND, for all Pratchett fans.

Xander and Giles enter, carrying an unconscious Faith. Yep, that’s the way I’d do it, too. The script indicates that Eliza is not needed for this stuff, so I guess she is off filming her new show. What was it called again? "I Am Hot And Can Make More Money Without You, Whedon", I think. Buffy says there is a room for Faith upstairs. Kennedy and Amanda talk to one another, worrying about Faith’s condition. (Hee, I am reminding myself of Top Secret again. "He’s dead." "Well, let me know if there is any change in his condition." OK, wouldn’t it be funny if they did that? No, really.) Kennedy is asks Buffy if Faith will be okay, because of super-Spayer healing, and Buffy doesn’t seem too sure. I am. Come on, Buffy, if Joss wants to kill Faith off for not signing, he’ll make it gruesome. Amanda expresses the concern that they got punished, for following Faith instead of Buffy. Buffy says she’s back, and there is a plan. And I feel like I am missing a hell of a lot all of a sudden. Has this been the first time Buffy was back to the house? Looks like it. Has this been the first time the SiT’s questioned Faith? Looks like it. Why is everyone so suddenly cool with Buffy being back, though? Man, these SiTs are more fickle than Buffy if she were presented with everyone she ever macked on.

Buffy goes into general mode *cough Petrie script cough* , talking about the scythe to Giles and Willow and Xander. Somehow, she just knew it belonged to her. Ohh! Sweet! I just know Spike’s coat belongs to me. I feel it in my bones. I’m going to close my eyes now, and it will magically appear, enfolding me in its musky aroma of tobacco and leather, and then I will flit magically away to the land of well-written scripts. Giles hasn’t heard about it, and wonders about its nature. The scythe, not the coat. You should wonder about the coat, Giles, apparently it has a balls-back mojo and the ability to teleport itself. Willow and Giles promise to research.

Anya and Andrew tend to wounded SiTs. Anya is typically dismissive, continuing to insinuate that the wounded are gonna die, and Andrew drinks from the alcohol bottle that is serving as antiseptic. Mmmmm. Andrew suggests making a run to the hospital for bandages and supplies, and manages to get Anya to drive him, sidetracking her from her imminent-death comments about the SiTs. No, Andrew, I love you, but I kinda liked that conversation!

Buffy and Xander have a talk in the kitchen. Yes, Xander is wearing his eye patch. Arrrgh, matey. Sixteen men on a …ok, sorry. Buffy is explaining some sort of plan to him, which he seems reluctant to go along with. (OK, we all know what it is by now, it is putting Dawn out of commission.) He feels like she is putting him out to pasture. He says he can still fight. Buffy says that she knows she can count on him, and that’s why he’s doing this. Xander says he always knew he’d be there with her until the end, and they exchange a few mock-offended jokes about their capabilities to handle the end of the world. Buffy says that Xander is her strength, and she needs him to do this for her. He agrees. I agree with any plan that knocks Dawn out and keeps her from screeching.

Wilow and Giles check out some old texts and the computer. They discuss the nature of the scythe. Seems like it might be some sort of pagan thingie. And, might I say, this scene goes on for far, far too long. Blah, blah, linguistics crap, what is it, cute babbly speak, kill me.

Dawn and Xander are in his car. Seems like Dawn accidentally killed Ms Kitty Fantastico with a crossbow, and there are some eye jokes. Umm, holy hell! Dawn killed Ms. Kitty? I am duly upset now. I mean, it’s definitely implied here that a crossbow went off and offed the poor furball. Xander chloroforms Dawn and she passes out. Marry me Xander!

Back at the vineyard, Caleb is talking to the First as Buffy. Hee, you know what would be great? If the First started appearing as say, Red Skelton. Or Jimmy Stewart. Or other famous dead people, so we could get impressions. Oh! I know! Sam Kinneson. He could be all "You need to defeat Buffy cause she’s a F*CKING BITCH FROM HELL! It would be easy for you if you DIDN’T SUCK GOAT NADS! AUGHHH!" Caleb is pissed that the First encouraged him to let Buffy take the weapon away. The First says that it and Caleb need to merge. Oh, good lord no. No talk of merging essences, please. The First takes on its true form (Amends bat, I gather), and then dives into Caleb’s body. Caleb has an orgasm, then gets up, all super powerful. No, really, it says he is orgasmic. I didn’t make that stuff up.

[ Thanks to Jana (Ripper) at Spoiler Crypt http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spoiler-crypt ]

Part 3 of BTVS Episode #21 "End of Days" Spoilers All credit and thanks goes to bubonic from Fan Forum http://www.forums4fans.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=forum&f=6

SPOILERS

BELOW

BEWARE

ACT THREE - WHICH MAY BE INTERRUPTED FOR BREAKING NEWS Faith is holding the scythe, which apparently is making her a bit …what was it Angel said? Buttery in the nether regions? Yeah. Buffy and Faith identify over the intense power of the purple-headed love scythe. They discuss a bit what it means to be a leader, what it takes. My guess is that it takes signing for season eight. OH! Also, Faith clearly implies that she had sex with Wood, and in Buffy’s bed. Now, isn’t that nice and non-stereotyping? And I am really hoping we don’t see that in ep 20. Cause I may not like Faith, but I wouldn’t wish Wood on her for anything. So, so ashamed I ever said he was hot. Please disregard any comments I made to that effect.

Faith says she’s always been jealous of Buffy, but once she was in charge, she felt more alone than ever. They agree that it’s the price of being a Slayer. Or, the Slayer, or whatever. Blah, blah. I am not sure if I buy into this. Sure, I get that being a Slayer means you are an outsider, but this alone crap, not so much. Wasn’t the thing that was supposed to be so special about Buffy that she had family and friends? That it made her more powerful because she had connections and ties to the world? Unless they are wrong, Spike was full of ****, about Joyce and Dawn and the Scoobies and Angel and everyone. Not that they have ever, oh, you know, retconned Spike into being wrong before when he was right.

Sigh. Okay, Buffy and Spike scene, so gonna try to get as detailed as I can. Spike and Buffy run into each other in the main part of the house. Spike seems to be a bit flippant, casual, and Buffy is serious. They are speaking in relatively hushed voices. Spike notices that Buffy found her weapon, and Buffy asks if he likes it. Oh, I could so say something here, but I’m not gonna. It’s too easy. Spike says he can see how a girl might ditch a guy for one of those. *Groan* OK, it’s getting a little old, even for me, and I like penis jokes. They head back toward the kitchen, Buffy saying she is sorry and Spike saying that it doesn’t matter, she got a little comfort, and not to make a thing out of it. Buffy indicates that she has work to do, and Spike states that it is another solo mission, which annoys Buffy. She snaps at him. She tries to explain about the weapon, how she must find out what it means. Spike says he’ll check out on Caleb as she does that. They agree. Spike turns to leave, and Buffy calls out that he’s a dope.

WE INTERRUPT THIS RECAP TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL WAR REPORT. Okay, we are bombing nothing, but apparently some correspondent saw smoke earlier. Let’s go to our correspondent.

CORRESPONDENT: Yeah. I think it was kinda over there. Looked like smoke to me, I swear.

NEWSCASTER This is very interesting, let’s turn to our nation’s capital.

MINOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL: We’re not really allowed to say at this time. And, I missed the last fifteen minutes of Angel for you sorry people.

NEWSCASTER: So, you are saying that the troops are calling on angels now, in order to free them from Republican misery.

MINOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL: No, I mean I don’t know about the…

NEWSCASTER: Well, there you have it. Live from the field. We’ll be sure to continue this coverage of non-events every time whe feel like it. Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Spike turns, stops, comes back to talk to her. Buffy says that the reason she has the scythe is because of him, because of the strength he gave her last night, and she’s tired of the mixed signals. Hahahaha. Okay. Seriously. Just take a break and laugh here. She’s not ready for him not to be there, go put on your coat and kill people, no, wait, we did something cuddly in the last episode girl is talking about mixed signals. Hahahaha. Again.

She doesn’t know how he feels about it…he interrupts and says he’s terrified. It was the best night of his life. His eyes well up with tears, and he asks her not to mock him for this. Awww, don’t tear my heart out now! *sniffle* She indicates that it did] mean something to her. And Spike says that he’s never been close to anyone before, especially her. That all he did was hold her and watch her sleep, but it was the best night of his life. And he’s terrified.

CORRESPONDENT: But it was right in the middle of when Willow was gonna restore Angel’s soul, and…

NEWSCASTER: Clearly, people are delusional from all the smoke. More to come, stay tuned for coverage.

Buffy says he doesn’t have to be. Spike asks if she was there with him, and she says she was. He asks what it means. Buffy asks if it has to mean anything, and the closeness is broken. I bitch-slap buffy hard upside the head, and her neck is broken. Well, I can wish. Spike says it doesn’t have to mean anything right now, and she starts that maybe when…He says to leave it, and she agrees. He says they’ll go be heroes. One of you is, muffin. *sniff*

At the hospital, Anya and Andrew carry pillowcases full of stolen supplies. They find a supply closet, and Anya makes a Jaws reference. Andrew calls her the perfect woman. Oh good lord, I just had seriously terrible mental images about blow jobs gone awry. They are on a rampant stealing spree, and agree that this whole situation will be bad.

MINOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL: Not as bad as missing the last fifteen minutes of Angel! I swear, you people are…

NEWSCASTER: Look, didn’t you see some smoke? Go look!

Andrew asks why Anya doesn’t just leave. She talks about what humans are like, being petty but never giving up in a fight, and she’ll do the same. Andrew stoically expresses the assurance that he is going to die, but is going to do what’s right. OK, I thought you were off the kill list when you said it before, Andrew. Now you are free and clear. Go sing and laugh! Be free, little bird! The two decide on a wheelchair fight. I need Sam Kinneson and an old lady back for this. "MOVE IT, GRANDMA, YOU F*CKTARD! AUUUGHHH!"

At a burial ground, Buffy finds an Egyptian-looking tomb. Sigh…I so won’t get into how wrong this is. So very, very wrong. Very. An old woman comes out, dressed all in white, and indicates that Buffy found the weapon. Oh! I know! The corpse of your dead lover, dressed in your wedding gown and bearing a cake! It’s Faulkner and Dickens in a sweet jelly roll of pseudo-feminist goodness. Buffy inquires as to whom she is, and the woman says she was one of many, but now she is alone. Buffy gets defensive. The woman says she has been waiting, regarding the scythe, that it was made in secret for one like Buffy, keeping it hidden from the Shadow Men. Who became the Watchers. Oh! The stuffed men, leaning together, headpieces filled with straw, alas! Oh, but I get carried away. She says their kind watched over and were guardians. She says the weapon was used to kill the last pure demon, and then people came. Buffy wonders if she can use this weapon. The woman says that Buffy already has weapons, but basically, yes. Ugh. I am so lamed out. Old women in white giving empowerment lessons is where I really draw the line.

Suddenly, Caleb pops up from behind and snaps the woman’s neck. I swear, this guy is growing on me more and more.

[ Thanks to Jana (Ripper) at Spoiler Crypt http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spoiler-crypt ]

Part 4 (End) of BTVS Episode #21 "End of Days" Spoilers All credit and thanks goes to bubonic from Fan Forum http://www.forums4fans.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=forum&f=6

SPOILERS

BELOW

BEWARE

Right. I really don’t want to write this bit. You know I don’t. It’s short, though, I’ll deal. My sanity would be at risk, otherwise. Xander drives down the highway, and Dawn slowly regains consciousness. Okay, there’s the first negative in this scene. He explains that he chloroformed her, and hands Dawn an envelope. If it were only severance pay. There’s a Buffy voice-over of what is in the letter, explaining that she asked Xander to do this, that Dawn needed to be safe. One moment to rant, here. I hate voice-overs. They smack of cheesy melodrama. The only things that include voice-overs are cheesy movies with people dying of cancer and bad television shows that are reliant on soap opera formula. Oh, sh*t. Never mind. The letter cuts off in mid voice-over as Dawn zaps Xander with a taser from her weapons bag. Oh, there ya go. Zap the one-eyed driver. Good plan. She steps on the brake, crumples the letter, and the car makes a U-turn back to town. I am pissed off now, cause I got a ticket for making a U-turn once. Don’t these Sunnydale cops do anything?

Meanwhile, Caleb tries to wrest control of the scythe away from Buffy. Sigh. Yeah, he wants his penile empowerment back, or something. I don’t care. They fight for a bit with punching and throwing against walls, fighting for control. Caleb has the scythe, no, Buffy has the scythe! Pausing cause a boxelder bug is crawling up my leg. Those things are all over everywhere, I swear. You can’t get your empowerment here, mister bug! Then Caleb he starts beating the crap out of her, knocking her nearly unconscious, and telling her that he warned her. He gets the scythe and raises it over her head….

CORRESPONDENT: Is now a good time? I swear there was smoke…

NEWS ANCHOR: Umm, I thought the war was finished? We’re already trying to name the war with North Korea.

CORRESPONDENT: So, do you think Buffy and Spike had sex? Or he just held her all night?

NEWS ANCHOR: Shut up.

…and then is knocked with a punch from offscreen. For my friends at Ducks’ BB, here ya go. C*cksucker alert. Buffy looks up to see Angel standing over her. He reaches out his hand to help her up, and she takes it, pulling herself up. He says she looks good, and she returns the sentiment. I’m searching for a bucket. Caleb is royally annoyed and gets to his feet, but Buffy puts a hand on Angel’s arm, keeping him from the fight. Angel asks if this is something she needs to handle alone, and Buffy indicates that it is. Caleb attacks, Buffy blocks all his moves, and Angel leans against the wall, enjoying the spectacle. He tells Caleb he’ll lose, and comments that he missed watching this. Oh, I get it. Spike is Angel, and Angel is Spike. It all makes sense now. Buffy manages to get the advantage, and guts Caleb. Note, it says he is apparently dead, so I have no clue. He could be dead, or not be dead. I don’t care, don’t understand, don’t have any idea what Angel is doing in this scene. Buffy says it is under control, and Angel steadies her after her effort. He says for her to tell him she is glad to see him. Buffy hugs Angel and holds on to him for support, and then looks him in the eyes and kisses him. Sweet at first, but then growing passionate. Good Christ on a crutch. Okay, bring back Kennedy, and the SiTs, and the old woman with the cake. That was better than this!

Pull back to show Spike, who is seeing all of this. He’s alone. He’s shocked. The First appears behind Spike in the form of Buffy, and says she’s a bitch. Umm, yeah. Got to go with ya on that one, Firstie. Spike looks pained. My poor little muffin. *sniff*

END.