Why TV Sucks, Who’s Too Sexy for the Press Line—and What It Takes to Get Comped Around Here

by Kristin Veitch | Mar. 26, 2004

(The artist formerly known as Wanda)

There is always something good on.

As a seasoned couch tater, I’ve repeated that mantra for years, always willing to defend the almighty telly to the death (or at least to the hangnail).

But the times, they are a-changin’, my friends. And I can no longer sit idly by without saying what we’ve all been thinking lately: TV is starting to suck.

Not only have we endured an ungodly amount of heartbreaking cancellations this season—Ed, Boomtown, Skin, Keen Eddie, Angel—we’ve also seen 20 million people tune in to learn Larissa’s "shocking secret": She used to schtup Fabio.

It seems quality television is a dying breed. And that makes me want to cry.

This email from Eva R. hit it dead on: "What is going on with TV these days? Why do all the good shows fail? Is there any hope those network executives will remove their heads from their nether regions?"

Many of you have told me you feel the same. So, before we get to the usual scoop and poop, let’s see if we can’t find some answers—and maybe enough hope to make you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and get back on that couch.

Why Good Shows Fail

1. Networks Execs Can Be Idiots: Some of the greatest crimes against who-fanity in recent TV history—the shabby treatment of Scrubs, Keen Eddie and Angel—really do rest squarely on the network execs’ shoulders. If viewers can’t find a show because it keeps bouncing from time slot to time slot or gets little to no promotion, how does it stand a chance? (And to add insult to injury with Angel, the WB cut off its most devoted fan base and its most critically acclaimed series. Now that’s just stupid.)

It’s also painfully obvious that networks often don’t give quality series time to grow an audience anymore (think Skin, Andy Richter, Karen Sisco). Even shows like The X-Files and Seinfeld had mediocre ratings in their first seasons. That said...

2. Network Television Is a Business: Unlike those lucky HBO or Showtime peeps, network execs must appease advertisers if they want to keep their jobs. If a show isn’t pulling its ratings weight despite reasonable promotion and a decent time slot, the suits often have no choice but to send it to the chopping block.

For the most part, these decision makers aren’t sadistic pigs who want to drive you away from their channels—they are businesspeople trying to respond to the current taste of TV viewers. And there, my friends, is the rub.

3. Americans Love Brainless, Stupid Television! How else would you explain all the insipid sitcoms and reality shows (don’t make me name names...like Yes, Dear or Forever Eden) pulling in big numbers, while brilliant offerings such as Arrested Development and Wonderfalls fail despite considerable marketing?

No one wants to think anymore. And we’re not just talking country bumpkins who belong on a Jerry Springer panel. Many of these TV slummers are hardworking, edjamacated types who crave brainless entertainment after a hard day’s work. (You know you’ve been there.) My advice to the broadcast networks? Market your best shows like they are utter trash—and watch the viewers flock to watch.

4. Bad TV Is Cheap—and Lucrative: Any half-witted moron with a digicam and a bunch of inbred friends can make a reality show. The costs are a fraction of those for a scripted series, and the result can bring in serious

5. Too Many Reruns! Scripted shows have a major disadvantage when competing with reality series—they have to string out 22 episodes over eight months, causing them to lose momentum with aforementioned numskull viewers who forget easily. We have short attention spans—and a fear of commitment. So, why not play around with the formats a little? Maybe slot in a few more shows per season, with shorter runs of consecutive new episodes? It just might work!

6. The Nielsens Is Whack: In two weeks, the New York market is implementing local "People Meters," electronic devices that replace the convoluted diary system. Los Angeles and Chicago are soon to follow. Here, my friends, is where we may finally find a sliver of hope. This new ratings system could offer a more accurate picture of who is really watching what—and that could boost some currently underrated shows, especially those with younger and/or minority viewers.

This is seen as the first step toward eliminating "sweeps" periods, which would allow more networks to do shorter seasons of consecutive episodes, à la HBO. That means fewer reruns (hurrah!), which just might—fingers crossed—entice viewers back to quality scripted television.

Meanwhile, people, please try to cut down on the crap! We’re all guilty of guilty pleasures—ahem, see below—but remember: The fate of good TV relies on you.

(Stepping off soapbox now.)

Yoanna Be a Model? Don’t look now, but I think monkeys are flying outta my keister. How else would you explain UPN ranking second for the night against all the big fancy network players? Such was the case Tuesday for the grand finale of America’s Next Top Model 2. To lend my support (love those underdogs), I hit the red carpet for the big send-off soiree at Hollywood’s Key Club.

Okay, truth be told, I also had a hidden agenda—to see for myself if a human being can really be as toothpick-thin as Shandi, or if she’s actually a Gollum-like CGI creation. My disturbing finding: The camera always adds 10 pounds (or in my case, 30).

All the big players were in attendance for the party—the wannabe lovelies, Tyra, Janice Dickinson and guest judge Jay Alexander, who brought the red carpet to a standstill when I asked him to demo his sex-kitten-on-’roids catwalk. Xiomara said it best: "That man has better legs than half the women in America." And how.

Wondering where your favorite wannabes have been? Well, I’ll tell you anyway. Shandi’s still slaving away at Walgreens but plans to move to New York, and believe it or not, that boyfriend she cheated on will move with her. (¿Cómo se dice "whipped"?)

April and Sara are also headed for the Big Apple to pursue modeling. Catie, now living in Los Angeles, has come to terms with her hair trauma after undoubted therapy: "I think I’m going to keep it short after all those tears." Whew. That’s a load off my mind.

And Jenascia is still serving up hot wings at Hooters, bless her big ones, while considering a move to Hell-Ay to pursue acting. "You know," she said, "I’m kind of timid about leaving everything I’ve worked so hard for to move down here." After all, you can’t just leave those Hooters patrons high and fanny-less.

Naturally, a little trash-talking went down, as the girls lamented being under contract until April 7—they’re itchin’ to get out and do their own thing (don’t let those Making the Band guys hear you complaining). And a few nasty barbs were launched at that villainous Camille, with whom none of the contestants has spoken since the show. Not that Camille has noticed. "If you get anything from this experience, it’s friendship," Camille told me. "Despite the cattiness they show on TV, I am cool with the girls on the show."

Xiomara, on the other hand, clearly had the affection of all her fellow castmates (even Camille), and she even won me over by offering to sneak me inside the party.

Big winner Yoanna—already a huge star, mind you—was another story. She stopped for a few on-camera outlets, then whizzed by the lowly print and online journalists, causing a stir not unlike starving models fighting over the last nonfat rice cake in the bag. Our one crumb to savor: "I’m so overwhelmed and excited and cannot wait to get to work with IMG."

Don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a big fat juicy steak.

Blind Riddle of the Week: It’s no slab of perfectly seasoned red meat (mmm, yummy), but this week’s Blind Riddle is so deliciously delectable, I’ve decided to give you the answer in Monday’s chat. In the meantime, see if you can finger it.

A die-hard tuber pal had the good fortune to meet one of her small-screen faves recently while skiing in Vail. As the fan and her new friend chatted over beers, planning where to go next, the not so ambitious (currently unemployed) famous blonde gave an eye-roll and declared, "I’m going home. I can’t go anywhere anymore without being mobbed." She then explained how life has changed so drastically since her TV debut—she has completely lost her anonymity and her privacy, but on the upside: "I don’t pay for anything anymore. I don’t even make the effort. We get comped wherever we go."

At that precise moment, the waitress walked up and shouted, "Hey, some blonde over here ordered a beer at the bar. Is someone paying for it or what?" Pale Ale Lager: $2.50. Goldilocks’ expression: Priceless.

Think you’ve got the answer? Then email me your guess—bragging rights could be yours in our next chat, this Monday at 6 p.m. ET/3 p.m. PT, where we’ll have all the usual scoopy and spoilery goodies. (Reminder: Starting Apr. 5, we’re moving up the chats by one hour—to 5 p.m. ET/2 p.m. PT.)

Happy tubing!